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[quote=Anonymous]I think the how does he treat animals, wait staff, etc. questions are a good start, but aren't really the end of it.  A guy can be a huge animal lover and be really lovely to people he doesn't know very well, but have trouble actually getting along with people that he has to live with.  There's a lot of guys like that.

Here are my three pieces of advice, on top of the basic stuff that everyone says:

Live with someone for a while before marriage, in a manner where you have an easy out (e.g., a lease that ends in a year, and not too much stuff to move out or divide).  At least a year continuously.  I was in a long-distance relationship where we would live together for summers.  It wasn't until we were married that I realized we just had fundamentally different views on how to make/keep a home.  It's a huge issue in our marriage and one that he has repeatedly told me makes him miserable, that I don't keep a home the way he would want to, and I constantly feel stressed by this.  This issue was totally invisible when we were only living together for short periods of time (months at a time), even though we did that for years.

Look closely at the family relationship.  If it's bad, but you don't totally understand why, or he isn't upfront about why it's bad, that's a huge red flag that there are family issues he hasn't deal with, and that if he starts t repeat his parents dysfunction, he won't be able to recognize/discuss those patterns.  A guy with a alcoholic parent who is very honest about it, has received therapy, and can talk about the good and the bad parts of his parent is MUCH better than the guy who just says his parent is a jerk and he doesn't want to talk about it.  Forgiveness is learned first i n the family of origin, and a guy that really resents his parents might not have really learned that skill (that you can love and forgive someone even though they do dumb or hurtful things).

Look closely at how he handles the bad stuff, and maybe don't even think about marriage until you've seen him deal with a major setback.  Some guys are great when things are going well, and life can often be pretty easy in your 20's.  But if he can't handle adversity, that's the biggest red flag, because there's lots of adversity in life.  It seems like an awful thing to leave someone when they are down, but the truth is -- that if they get knocked down easily, you should really think about whether this is the right life partner.  Especially if his response to adversity is to shut down or to take it out on you.  I think this is the number one biggest red flag, because if he doesn't turn to you in a positive way when things are bad, you're going to have a very difficult time together.[/quote]

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