Yes — it comes in the 50s. Our relationship was happy for 25 years but issues arose in early50s with dh. Still married.

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - when people share horror stories of what type of men NOT to marry, when did you start seeing these issues? I am 37 and all but one of our friends has gotten divorced. Most of my friends seem to be in happy marriages. Is it coming later?

^correction. I meant to say all but one of our friends has stayed married. 2, now that I think of it.

Just curious - when people share horror stories of what type of men NOT to marry, when did you start seeing these issues? I am 37 and all but one of our friends has gotten divorced. Most of my friends seem to be in happy marriages. Is it coming later?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

NP here. My DH's dad is a miserable NPD and alcoholic and my DH is amazing husband, dad, person, coworker and boss. His brother on the other hand is just like FIL. I will echo what the prior PP has said - people from messed up families usually turn out very messed up. My SIL (DH's brother's wife) pays for a mentally sick husband and a mentally sick FIL and has had a nightmare life. Now, my DH decided not to be like his dad and so left home early, had very little to do with his family and basically moved to a new country - so I did not suffer.

BUT, my ahole FIL and BIL hit us for money and bailing us out - by mistreating my SIL and niece - we are still getting sucked into their drama.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid introverts ... women suck it up but male introverts stink at parenting.

You couldn’t be more wrong on this.

I am not in my experience with two extroverted DCs that DH can’t deal with their constant chatter and questions. His repeated need for self care when we have kids to take care and can’t afford help is a definite problem. Maybe your a whole family of introverts but in our mixed family, it’s a giant red flag and I would avoid introvert men if you want kids.

I think the how does he treat animals, wait staff, etc. questions are a good start, but aren't really the end of it. A guy can be a huge animal lover and be really lovely to people he doesn't know very well, but have trouble actually getting along with people that he has to live with. There's a lot of guys like that.

Here are my three pieces of advice, on top of the basic stuff that everyone says:

Live with someone for a while before marriage, in a manner where you have an easy out (e.g., a lease that ends in a year, and not too much stuff to move out or divide). At least a year continuously. I was in a long-distance relationship where we would live together for summers. It wasn't until we were married that I realized we just had fundamentally different views on how to make/keep a home. It's a huge issue in our marriage and one that he has repeatedly told me makes him miserable, that I don't keep a home the way he would want to, and I constantly feel stressed by this. This issue was totally invisible when we were only living together for short periods of time (months at a time), even though we did that for years.

Look closely at the family relationship. If it's bad, but you don't totally understand why, or he isn't upfront about why it's bad, that's a huge red flag that there are family issues he hasn't deal with, and that if he starts t repeat his parents dysfunction, he won't be able to recognize/discuss those patterns. A guy with a alcoholic parent who is very honest about it, has received therapy, and can talk about the good and the bad parts of his parent is MUCH better than the guy who just says his parent is a jerk and he doesn't want to talk about it. Forgiveness is learned first i n the family of origin, and a guy that really resents his parents might not have really learned that skill (that you can love and forgive someone even though they do dumb or hurtful things).

Look closely at how he handles the bad stuff, and maybe don't even think about marriage until you've seen him deal with a major setback. Some guys are great when things are going well, and life can often be pretty easy in your 20's. But if he can't handle adversity, that's the biggest red flag, because there's lots of adversity in life. It seems like an awful thing to leave someone when they are down, but the truth is -- that if they get knocked down easily, you should really think about whether this is the right life partner. Especially if his response to adversity is to shut down or to take it out on you. I think this is the number one biggest red flag, because if he doesn't turn to you in a positive way when things are bad, you're going to have a very difficult time together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a friend with excellent gaydar and run your boy by them. Even in this day and age, closeted gay men marry women who are apparently unaware. Personally know of 3 divorces in this category so there must be lots more of this situation.

There are a bunch of these marriages in our circle—gay men married to straight women. I’m not sure if some know. Some it’s so obvious.

+1

If it is obvious to outsiders (it usually is) - I think the women know, but the men either don't know, or don't care that outsiders can tell (from a mile away).

Pretty much this entire thread can be condensed into one thing - money. Either be on the same page or you will be unhappy and eventually divorced.

Married to a person who lost his parents young and pretty much raised himself. He is the most compassionate human I’ve ever met, an excellent father and husband with a solid work ethic. He has ADHD but you would never know it if you met him. Throws all the theories about family and background in the water. My advice. Listen to your head and heart. Marry a guy who is sincere, has humility and treats people fairly. Don’t end up old and alone. It’s not fun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait until you are older before getting married. have your education, have a job and a way to support yourself

I would suggest instead to get married in grad school. You'll never again have such a good pool of eligible potential mates, and it's easier to grow wealth together.

Hahah, I got a grad degree in fine arts. If I had married someone in my class he would be 1. Gay and 2. Dirt poor. Keep the advice comin’

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have gotten married. My advice to young women is to think long and hard before legally binding yourself to another person in this way. It’s 2020 and the world is yours— you can have an amazing life without marriage or kids.

I also agree with this. You can also have a great life with no marriage, and still have kids or any of many combinations of existence.

Unfortunately, marriage is still seen as a value marker- if I'm married I'm valuable I'm doing something right

I can't tell you how much I wish someone had made me realize when I was young that marriage and children and not the only way to have a wonderful life. I married too young, before I really knew who I was or what I wanted. Looking back, I remember thinking that getting married meant progressing as a person, but I don't think I could have told you what that progress meant.

Anonymous wrote:Find a friend with excellent gaydar and run your boy by them. Even in this day and age, closeted gay men marry women who are apparently unaware. Personally know of 3 divorces in this category so there must be lots more of this situation.

I absolutely know of at least two beards in at least two marriages.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid introverts ... women suck it up but male introverts stink at parenting.

You couldn’t be more wrong on this.

This is not true of introverts -- maybe there is some other quality that makes men bad parents but this is not one. My husband is an extreme introvert (scores 90 percent I vs e on the Myers Briggs) and he is an incredible father -- introverts have very very rich one on one relationships.

Anonymous wrote:Avoid introverts ... women suck it up but male introverts stink at parenting.

You couldn’t be more wrong on this.

-good communication skills, particularly good at listening and able to take (constructive) criticism
-emotional intelligence, empathy
-independence (if mom and dad are still buying all his clothes and groceries at 28, be wary)
-pay attention to how he treats waitstaff, homeless on the street
-go on a few vacations together that require flights, car rentals, language barriers (see how he handles stress, being out of his comfort zone)
-be wary of a man who can’t get up in the morning
-recreational drugs are embarrassing after college
-make sure he’s aware of the VALUE of things, not just the cost
-discuss feelings about being a SAHM, hiring cleaning/landscaping help (90% of men will revert for preferring what they grew up with)