Reply to 17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is the OP.  First of all thanks for all the very helpful perspectives. 
To address the texts issue, he said his phone crashed and he’d lost access to the Appleid-this was the day before. He asked me for the password and I sent it to him. When he reconnected his texts started coming to my phone just at the time he was making his plans. At first I though they were my 9 year old’s texts which do come to my phone but I saw some non-9year old  language popping up so I opened the texts. 
I sort of panicked to be honest. I didn’t want him to know I’d read his texts. He’s become so so prickly these days and Im walking on egg shells all the time. I was nervous about telling him. We’d just had a huge huge argument just 2 days prior because he simply refused to go on our long planned family holiday and told us the day we were supposed to leave. His sisters (11 and 9, who think the world of him) were in tears begging him to come. He was adamant -clearly because he’d planned all these events with his gf while her parents were away. To cut a very long and painful story short, his sisters really wanted him to be with us so we rescheduled the trip but it was a very ugly situation -his sisters crying and begging him to come, us reasoning that it was a planned family holiday and he should prioritize family etc. but he just stood there uncaring and sticking to his guns which is so unlike him-he’s such a soft, kind hearted boy.
Anyway we had formed an uneasy truce (the protecting the relationship before they leave ) so I just did not want to bring the texts up. I changed the settings in my phone so I could no longer see his texts and just reminded him before he left that he needed to be home by 12 because he insisted on  taking his car and that if he felt he would break the 12 curfew to leave his car and uber home. He said he would definitely be back by 12 and, because he’d also said in the texts that he did not feel comfortable carrying out the plans, which is more in line with his usual behavior, I thought he’d rethought them and decided against them. 
At 12:15 I get a text saying he’s spending the night at his friend’s. My antennae were immediately raised because of what I’d read in the texts. I reminded him that sleepovers were always off the table and that he could hang out for a while since he said there were other friends there but to be home by 2.
I saw the dots appear when someone is about to reply but he clearly decided to just ignore me and he never responded so I called and he didn’t answer. I sent a text saying I was not going to bother home anymore but that I expected him home by 2 or to expect to stay home for NYE. Again I saw the dots but no reply came. That was why I went to the friend’s house. 
Anyway as you all know I decided to come back home. 
He arrived home at 11 am all antagonistic about the texts I’d sent him “after he’d fallen asleep”. He said he did nothing wrong, that he’d told me he was spending the night and had promptly fallen asleep. 
I know he is lying because I know he saw my texts evidenced by the dots that appear when the respondent is replying  (I saw them after both texts but no reply arrived) but he chose to ignore me.  I have no real proof that he slept at his gf’s house except the texts. It’s conceivable that they all (gf included) slept at the friend’s house. It is also a conceivable that he executed his original plan and left the phone at his friend’s and collected it this morning or that his friend drove it to him and he simply drove home. I don’t know.

I haven’t yet responded to him. I told him I was tired and would discuss later. 
I have no idea what to do. Give him the benefit of the huge doubt and accept that he slept at his friend’s and just penalize for not responding to my texts when I know he received them so that he could spend the night -which is a hard rule at our house except if it’s a designated vacation away with friends? 
This is my first go round. I do not want to push him away but I do not want him to think he can flaunt all rules because he’s going on 18 in 9 months.  I know it’s normal for teens to rebel but his rebellion covers a lot of things here and I had not even considered the statutory rape issue. I just thought it was disrespectful to defy her parents and stay when they had specifically said he could not.

I am stumped.

[/quote]

He was definitely wherever his car is.  OP, i know you are freaked out and operating on very little sleep, but you need to stop spinning all kinds of potential scenarios that might be better.

You sound a little afraid of your son at this point.  Understandable given this is all new territory and behavior, but you have lost control as a parent.  This happened the minute you postponed the vacation.  Your son knows this too and will continue to lie and break through boundaries.  I agree with whoever said you need to stop coming here for advice and bring your husband into the conversation.  Have confidence in your values and ideas as a parent, have a sit down with your son later this afternoon once you've all had a break and explain all the ways he has strayed, mostly the lying, and I guess you are all in for a quiet New Years Eve at home.

Good luck

I thought you said in a previous post that his car was parked at his GF’s house?[/quote]

It was. I’m not sure where I contradicted that. I said he may indeed have slept at his friends and picked up his car in the morning from his gf’s[/quote][/quote]

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