Reply to How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] Additionally, since people seem incredibly interested in playing the blame game, [b]there is a part of me that is ALSO angry at my mom. She absolutely did stay when she knew what the situation was for YEARS. And many of them after we were all out of the house. I am frustrated that, the several times my father suggested a divorce, they did not get one, and so we were all subjected to more years of their bad marriage. [/b]I know my Dad is the one who is guilty of infidelity. But I'm not naïve enough to think that this situation is entirely one sided. yes, he treated her inexcusably and that got her to the point where she identifies with what happened to her and made her feel like less of a person, but she also allowed the situation to continue and continue. And I do find that incredibly frustrating.  My therapist has helped me realize that these feelings towards my mom are valid as well.

DCUM loves to tell adult children they need to take responsibility for their lives, despite any childhood issues with parents. So I also feel its fair to ask my mom to take responsibility for hers, despite everything that happened with my dad.

Again, if there are "sides" to take, I have taken my moms. Im much closer with her, and did cut my dad out for a very long time and still ensure that she is the one who is at all holiday and family gatherings. However, I think people that suggest that her situation is entirely my father's doing are wrong. [/quote]

I get this having had a mom that also stayed in a bad marriage for way too long.  I’m fortunate though that she never stood in the way of us having a relationship with our dad and in fact be encouraged us to form our own relationship with our dad.  For your mom I think it’s complicated because I do think the longer you stay, the harder it can be to leave and start all over as the woman.

To answer the question of how to explain to my mom her bitterness is becoming painful you don’t do it directly 
1 - With your your mom and maybe the help of your therapist, find out why she is venting and what she wants to accomplish by discussing this with you. Is she looking for you to cut off your dad which you aren’t going to do and maybe needs to be addressed with her directly? Is she looking for acknowledgment that staying in a crappy marriage where she was publicly humiliated allowed you to have a dad around that loved you and said you were strong and capable and supported you in all the ways he may not have done if they divorced in the days before 50/50 custody and protected you from the religious community that would have ostracized her and her kids if she divorced?  Is she fine with you having a relationship with the dad and feels acknowledged and it’s her avoiding fear of change by being upset that she has to change?
2 - If part of the issue is your mom feeling helpless, look into how to communicate with someone exhibiting that behavior.  I attended a how to deal with difficult people class for my job and remember that there were techniques for this situation.  Here is a general article on dealing with difficult people https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-the-questions/201503/20-expert-tactics-dealing-difficult-people. My first point addresses #1,3,5 and 7 in that article.   Specifically for someone that complains it’s a combination of listening and understanding the underlying reason, shifting to problem solving where they are an active partner in finding the solution and setting boundaries (look for book by Dr. Rick Kirschner)
3 - The third step is setting/sticking to boundaries. - if you’ve discussed the underlying goal/need, tried to shift the conversation to problem solving where she owns coming up with solutions, then reiterate that she owns her behavior and is she making the decision to continue to discuss x about your dad when you’ve said it is hurtful to you and your relationship with her.  The narrative shouldn’t be that “your dad crapped all over me, I stayed to give you Financial and emotional security and was a victim trapped as much as dad and now you are mad when I complain”.  It should be about her overriding something that is important to you in favor of her own needs after you’ve said to stop. You have a choice in saying no more and saying I’m not having this conversation and then don’t.[/quote]

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