Reply to How to explain to my mom her bitterness towards my dad is becoming painful?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. You sound like a loving daughter doing the best she can.  As other's have said, try to set healthy boundaries with your mom.  It's not your job to shoulder the burden your dad has given your family.  You are enabling your mom to a certain extent.  Try to give her what support you can without dragging yourself down.  She 100% needs to talk to a therapist, not you.

As the wife of a cheating spouse, (now divorced) I am also heartbroken for you mother. [b] It's not too surprising that she is still having trouble letting go.  Your dad is still in her life in a way.  I'm sure it's a very bitter pill to swallow to see your dad enjoy all the benefits of a family, like a loving relationship with his grandchildren, despite the pain he caused her and your family.[/b][/quote]

THIS! IF you can't see this OP, you aren't very human.

My dad pulled this crap on my mom. I kicked him out of our lives for years. When my mom passed, only then did I re-form the relationship. Good thing, the damn drunk needed me by then to bail him out.[/quote]

OP here. To be clear, my dad does not enjoy all "benefits" of a family, like my mom does. For example holidays. Obviously we do not feel that she should have to see him, so he is not invited to Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. And all of my siblings have let my father know how we feel about his behavior. Several people have posted about father's abandoning their children, my father did not do this. He was a shit husband, and they both failed to protect my siblings and I from the wreckage. I have ALL the sympathy for my mother. I am writing here because I was seeking answers about how to remain close with her without having to relive everything all the time.

If every time a parent cheated the children cut that parent out, it would be ludicrous. My dad's cheated more than once, yes, and we have a surface level relationship now. He knows that. But what I want isn't to cut him out of my life and be bitter towards him for the next 40 years. Thank you for all the people suggesting that as the solution, but it isn't for me.

Additionally, since people seem incredibly interested in playing the blame game, there is a part of me that is ALSO angry at my mom. She absolutely did stay when she knew what the situation was for YEARS. And many of them after we were all out of the house. I am frustrated that, the several times my father suggested a divorce, they did not get one, and so we were all subjected to more years of their bad marriage. I know my Dad is the one who is guilty of infidelity. But I'm not naïve enough to think that this situation is entirely one sided. yes, he treated her inexcusably and that got her to the point where she identifies with what happened to her and made her feel like less of a person, but she also allowed the situation to continue and continue. And I do find that incredibly frustrating.  My therapist has helped me realize that these feelings towards my mom are valid as well.

DCUM loves to tell adult children they need to take responsibility for their lives, despite any childhood issues with parents. So I also feel its fair to ask my mom to take responsibility for hers, despite everything that happened with my dad.

Again, if there are "sides" to take, I have taken my moms. Im much closer with her, and did cut my dad out for a very long time and still ensure that she is the one who is at all holiday and family gatherings. However, I think people that suggest that her situation is entirely my father's doing are wrong. [/quote]OP, thanks for giving us additional context.  Here's something I'm wondering though. You're very dutifully explaining to us all why you feel the way you do in a way that suggests that you're trying to get us to agree with you when you know for sure that some DCUM posters will never agree.  Is this something you do with your parents?  Forgive me if I'm reading something into this post that isn't there.  But I just point it out for the purposes of reminding you that you will have to be short and clear with your mom about not talking about your father anymore and she will get very upset with you.  [i]Don't[/i] try to convince her you're right.  It won't work and she will keep you engaged in the turmoil.  Good luck with this!  You really deserve some peace![/quote]

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