Reply to How do you know a man will be violent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.

And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.

Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".[/quote]

DP. I grew up in a very violent, abusive family.  I assure you that the 'signs' of a potentially abusive partner are NOT in a healthy relationship.  I am not saying healthy relationships cannot have problems.  The difference is in how problems are addressed, the quality of communications and the respect partners show each other, especially when they are unhappy or angry.  While YOU and others with little experience may not recognize the signs except in hindsight, that does not mean they are not present and it does not mean healthy relationships have the same/similar signs. [/quote]

I'm pretty so
I'm sure I understand better than you - you who think 'all the signs exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive".  You seem to think it's like magic to identify an unhealthy relationship.  It's not.  There has been a lot of research on it.  [/quote]
It's not magic, but it's very obvious to some of us. I don't know what it is. My only trouble with an abusive relationship was interfering when I felt that what was happening to my neighbor. She dropped the guy, he did turned out to be violent and showed up with a gun at my place. I did learn from that, but, at the same time, I was the only one, who saw it. Her friends saw a sweet guy, he was giving me creeps.  I had similar feelings about school bullies in my kids school, before any signs, or a new executive, who mesmerized people, but looked like pure evil to me (and he turned out to be evil). Lots of people don't like to listen to their inner voice, they feel sorry for the person (be it spouse or parent, etc.) or have any other kind of "but" (I love him, he is my father, he is the father of my children, he is sick, he can't live without me). It that desire of control over you, that people don't feel or confuse with love. I had falling out with people, who would not leave their abuser (I don't believe in second chances, I can't be friends or friendly after the first). 
At the same time, I would absolutely not notice any signs of cheating, even if they are obvious, so I have zero radar there, but I don't care.[/quote]

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