Reply to Girlfriend is demanding that we get married and have a baby ASAP

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If this came out of nowhere is it possible she was just hormonal or emotional or handled this "big" conversation a little clumsily?

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and re-do this conversation.

If you think you have a real future and see yourself potentially marrying her tell her that. If you don't want another child, tell her that. If you love her, tell her that. Ask her why she wants another baby and listen to her. Is it about the BABY part? Is it because she feels your thing is invalid unless you have a kid that's 1/2 her and 1/2 you? Remind her that if you get married, you'll both gain a child (and TBH, her in more ways than you, because even though she wouldn't replace your late wife she would be the de-facto mother figure for your daughter).

Does your daughter like this woman? Can you see her being that mother figure? If so, express that you can envision that, and say that if she is willing you can take steps to see about living together. But first, get on the same baby page, even if that page is "let's see." If you are adamant about not having another kid, do get a vasectomy: it's what you need to do to protect your daughter vis-a-vis your emotional health. [/quote]

I would add that it isn't clear if she just really wants another child, if she sees the fertility window closing and likes the idea of another child (like how it really hit me when I gave away the old baby stuff that this may be it and my 10 year old is more than half way out the house and going to a school dance), or if she really wants another child with you?  Understanding why is important.

You also have to figure out where you stand - do you see yourself marrying her anytime in the next 2 years?  I think a pp mentioned that it took her 5 years to work thru her grief completely.  At that point your daughter would be 11 and that's a tough age for change.  Are you looking for a time where you are 100% ready and it would be 100% easy transition for your daughter (meaning she is out of the house or close to it/no blended family) - if so this won't be the relationship or the woman that is willing to wait 10 or 12 years or are you thinking that you have to look at what actions to take (support group, therapist to work thru grief for you and daughter), open communication with girlfriend on topic knowing you won't be completely ready and it won't be completely easy to transition but you want more to be in a fully committed relationship with her even if it comes with more work and challenges than to wait for the perfect time.[/quote]

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