Anonymous wrote:At 40 you both are past the child days. Not to mention you both have kids so doesn't make sense. My friend had a child at age 40 and he's special needs. The odds go way up. A year is too soon to get married imo.
Enjoy yourselves, continue to date and see where it goes. I'd tell her that.

Geez - way to project your totally rigid views of things on everyone else on the planet.

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Anonymous wrote:No discussion to ultimatum...ugh, no thank you. Cut your losses now. And I say this as a woman. She is too immature to have a good long term relationship with.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I understand her feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand mine.

You just wanted to have fun for how long? A year of dating as single parents (in one's late 30s) is a very long time. You don't sound like you want to marry her. But if I were her, I'd be pissed you never intended to marry me.

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Anonymous wrote:No discussion to ultimatum...ugh, no thank you. Cut your losses now. And I say this as a woman. She is too immature to have a good long term relationship with.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I understand her feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand mine.

Different PP here. I think you are wise. Giving you a week to make such a huge decision (and knowing you have a young daughter who lost her mother) is not just hasty, but it's insensitive and even selfish.

It also shows disregard for your daughter.

It's understandable if she's changed her mind and really wants a baby, but the way she is going about this and to suddenly make demands like that is a huge red flag.

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Anonymous wrote:No discussion to ultimatum...ugh, no thank you. Cut your losses now. And I say this as a woman. She is too immature to have a good long term relationship with.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I understand her feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand mine.

Does that mean she wasn't willing to wait another year?

Anonymous wrote:No discussion to ultimatum...ugh, no thank you. Cut your losses now. And I say this as a woman. She is too immature to have a good long term relationship with.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I understand her feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand mine.

No discussion to ultimatum...ugh, no thank you. Cut your losses now. And I say this as a woman. She is too immature to have a good long term relationship with.

We talked again, she said it just hit her that she really wants another baby. She's not seeing anyone other than me and she thinks we need to stop grieving over our lost loves and move on with our lives because life is too short. She also gave me an ultimatum and said I have a week to propose to her or she's out. I told her I can't make that hasty decision in such a short amount of time and I have to think about my daughter just like she does. I told her if that's not good enough then maybe we should end things. She said we'll revisit this discussion again next week.

What you do is say "No."

This is a difficult one. You do need to find out why the sudden (?) urgency. Also, given the background, I do think you need more time, even if you think you can see yourself with that woman and another baby in the long run. Could you encourage her to freeze some of her eggs so that she can have a child, with or without you, later on, even without your consent?
I would probably lean towards not having more children in this situation, as both partners already have one child, and merging the families (with or without marriage) won't be easy, without bringing a baby into the mix. I suspect the baby would be a particularly difficult adjustment for your daughter, as the baby will now take a lot of (your) attention away from her, and she is already grieving for her mother. If you do prefer not to even consider another baby in the near to medium term, I do think you should let your girlfriend know, explaining your side.

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Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

I think it sounds like she changed her mind and got optimistic about the future. She was allowed to have fun, as you were. But a year later, things are different. It is also okay if you don't want that.

Different PP. I disagree. If she changed her mind, she would just say that. But she's framing it as a "now or never" demand. I think she played him. She saw a grieving widower who is good marriage material. He expressed that he just wanted something casual. So she played the long game, going along with the "just fun" attitude until she got him emotionally entangled. Now she's (as another PP says) taking a gamble and banking on the combination of his remaining grief, desire not to be alone, and emotions for her, that he'll go along even though it sounds like he indicated in the beginning he didn't want those things.

Something is not right. It sounds like OP's gut feeling is he doesn't want this and it wouldn't be good for his daughter. He should go with his gut.

If the GF is such a savvy operator surely she would figure out she needed to say "I changed my mind".

Actually, not necessarily. This way, she's implying that he has to make a decision, that he's been with her this long, it's time for him to decide. If she admitted to changing her mind, then that means she's the one whose changed, and he doesn't owe her anything. But this way, she's framing it as he's taken a year of her time, she wants a baby, he needs to decide.

I've seen this kind of thing happen before (but in slightly different scenarios). There's one instance in particular in which a friend started dating a woman clearly in a casual way. He was clear he didn't want more. She was clear she was okay with that and even said she didn't want anything serious either. They kept the FWB thing going, and then it was like she changed the narrative. Six months later, she acted like he's been wasting her time and won't make a decision about a commitment. It was bizarro, but it worked. He felt guilty. He felt like the bad guy. He had feelings for her, but he wasn't really ready to get married. But he married her anyway, and it's been a mess of a relationship. But now he has a kid with her, and he's pretty sure that she'll do everything in her power to make it hard to see their child if he divorces her.

Stop making excuses for grown men. He felt guilty, so he married her and had a child? Poor grown man. Can't make decisions for himself.

Well, they got married and she told him she was on BC and then, whoopsie, she was pregnant. Sure, he should have used condoms if he wasn't ready for a kid. There are other details I'm leaving out that came out later.

I'm not making excuses for him. He was an idiot for marrying her. I'm just pointing out that this kind of thing happens, and so if your gut is telling you you're not ready for something and you've been honest all along that you're not looking for that and then someone pressures you, be warned.

I'd say the same thing to a woman.

you friend was an idiot for getting involved with that woman in the first place. OP looks like a person with a better judgment.

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Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

I think it sounds like she changed her mind and got optimistic about the future. She was allowed to have fun, as you were. But a year later, things are different. It is also okay if you don't want that.

Different PP. I disagree. If she changed her mind, she would just say that. But she's framing it as a "now or never" demand. I think she played him. She saw a grieving widower who is good marriage material. He expressed that he just wanted something casual. So she played the long game, going along with the "just fun" attitude until she got him emotionally entangled. Now she's (as another PP says) taking a gamble and banking on the combination of his remaining grief, desire not to be alone, and emotions for her, that he'll go along even though it sounds like he indicated in the beginning he didn't want those things.

Something is not right. It sounds like OP's gut feeling is he doesn't want this and it wouldn't be good for his daughter. He should go with his gut.

If the GF is such a savvy operator surely she would figure out she needed to say "I changed my mind".

Actually, not necessarily. This way, she's implying that he has to make a decision, that he's been with her this long, it's time for him to decide. If she admitted to changing her mind, then that means she's the one whose changed, and he doesn't owe her anything. But this way, she's framing it as he's taken a year of her time, she wants a baby, he needs to decide.

I've seen this kind of thing happen before (but in slightly different scenarios). There's one instance in particular in which a friend started dating a woman clearly in a casual way. He was clear he didn't want more. She was clear she was okay with that and even said she didn't want anything serious either. They kept the FWB thing going, and then it was like she changed the narrative. Six months later, she acted like he's been wasting her time and won't make a decision about a commitment. It was bizarro, but it worked. He felt guilty. He felt like the bad guy. He had feelings for her, but he wasn't really ready to get married. But he married her anyway, and it's been a mess of a relationship. But now he has a kid with her, and he's pretty sure that she'll do everything in her power to make it hard to see their child if he divorces her.

Stop making excuses for grown men. He felt guilty, so he married her and had a child? Poor grown man. Can't make decisions for himself.

Well, they got married and she told him she was on BC and then, whoopsie, she was pregnant. Sure, he should have used condoms if he wasn't ready for a kid. There are other details I'm leaving out that came out later.

I'm not making excuses for him. He was an idiot for marrying her. I'm just pointing out that this kind of thing happens, and so if your gut is telling you you're not ready for something and you've been honest all along that you're not looking for that and then someone pressures you, be warned.

I'd say the same thing to a woman.

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Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

I think it sounds like she changed her mind and got optimistic about the future. She was allowed to have fun, as you were. But a year later, things are different. It is also okay if you don't want that.

Different PP. I disagree. If she changed her mind, she would just say that. But she's framing it as a "now or never" demand. I think she played him. She saw a grieving widower who is good marriage material. He expressed that he just wanted something casual. So she played the long game, going along with the "just fun" attitude until she got him emotionally entangled. Now she's (as another PP says) taking a gamble and banking on the combination of his remaining grief, desire not to be alone, and emotions for her, that he'll go along even though it sounds like he indicated in the beginning he didn't want those things.

Something is not right. It sounds like OP's gut feeling is he doesn't want this and it wouldn't be good for his daughter. He should go with his gut.

If the GF is such a savvy operator surely she would figure out she needed to say "I changed my mind".

Actually, not necessarily. This way, she's implying that he has to make a decision, that he's been with her this long, it's time for him to decide. If she admitted to changing her mind, then that means she's the one whose changed, and he doesn't owe her anything. But this way, she's framing it as he's taken a year of her time, she wants a baby, he needs to decide.

I've seen this kind of thing happen before (but in slightly different scenarios). There's one instance in particular in which a friend started dating a woman clearly in a casual way. He was clear he didn't want more. She was clear she was okay with that and even said she didn't want anything serious either. They kept the FWB thing going, and then it was like she changed the narrative. Six months later, she acted like he's been wasting her time and won't make a decision about a commitment. It was bizarro, but it worked. He felt guilty. He felt like the bad guy. He had feelings for her, but he wasn't really ready to get married. But he married her anyway, and it's been a mess of a relationship. But now he has a kid with her, and he's pretty sure that she'll do everything in her power to make it hard to see their child if he divorces her.

Stop making excuses for grown men. He felt guilty, so he married her and had a child? Poor grown man. Can't make decisions for himself.

Props to her for knowing herself and being honest with you. Now you have to be honest with yourself and with her.

Anonymous wrote:She's probably already too old to have a healthy baby

old birth records who that women had their last child at 42 on average. so the window likely hasn't closed yet but it won't be open for very long.

Anonymous wrote:If this came out of nowhere is it possible she was just hormonal or emotional or handled this "big" conversation a little clumsily?

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and re-do this conversation.

If you think you have a real future and see yourself potentially marrying her tell her that. If you don't want another child, tell her that. If you love her, tell her that. Ask her why she wants another baby and listen to her. Is it about the BABY part? Is it because she feels your thing is invalid unless you have a kid that's 1/2 her and 1/2 you? Remind her that if you get married, you'll both gain a child (and TBH, her in more ways than you, because even though she wouldn't replace your late wife she would be the de-facto mother figure for your daughter).

Does your daughter like this woman? Can you see her being that mother figure? If so, express that you can envision that, and say that if she is willing you can take steps to see about living together. But first, get on the same baby page, even if that page is "let's see." If you are adamant about not having another kid, do get a vasectomy: it's what you need to do to protect your daughter vis-a-vis your emotional health.

+1

I would add that it isn't clear if she just really wants another child, if she sees the fertility window closing and likes the idea of another child (like how it really hit me when I gave away the old baby stuff that this may be it and my 10 year old is more than half way out the house and going to a school dance), or if she really wants another child with you? Understanding why is important.

You also have to figure out where you stand - do you see yourself marrying her anytime in the next 2 years? I think a pp mentioned that it took her 5 years to work thru her grief completely. At that point your daughter would be 11 and that's a tough age for change. Are you looking for a time where you are 100% ready and it would be 100% easy transition for your daughter (meaning she is out of the house or close to it/no blended family) - if so this won't be the relationship or the woman that is willing to wait 10 or 12 years or are you thinking that you have to look at what actions to take (support group, therapist to work thru grief for you and daughter), open communication with girlfriend on topic knowing you won't be completely ready and it won't be completely easy to transition but you want more to be in a fully committed relationship with her even if it comes with more work and challenges than to wait for the perfect time.