Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse.

To repeat: your children must be monsters.

That's super mean of you to say! But I wasn't the PP you were talking to earlier; there is more than one person who disagrees with you.

I don't think you have the capability of dropping your defenses and understanding what we are saying. If you did have that capability, you wouldn't resort to calling our children monsters. Also you would notice that I said repeatedly "can," rather than talking in absolutes like you are. It seems like this might be a really emotional topic for you! You might want to do a little emotional regulation practice yourself.

Also, I talking from experience. I have one parent who was pretty good but did things that have harmful impacts, and one parent who was severely emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. People tell me all the time that they have no idea how I got through my childhood. The fact that I can see that their actions have really bad consequences for me in my life doesn't mean I'm blaming them for all my bad choices. I have a good marriage, a good career, I'm a pretty good mom, etc. in spite of everything. I have asked them to acknowledge their mistakes (which they did), but that was for the purpose of building a deeper relationship with them, not so that I can blame them for stuff. Now my sister, despite being 36 years old, has never stopped asking my parents for apologies and she continues to blame their parenting choices (that weren't even bad parenting choices) for her kind of crappy life. She should stop doing that and grow up, but nobody who knows what our childhood looks at her actions and thinks "why on earth would she be like that?"

Ugh and ugh. You sound too smug, combined with your veiled insults, to be as emotionally mature as you claim.

I never actually said I was emotionally mature. I said I'm doing okay in spite of everything. But if being smug and handing out veiled insults mean somebody isn't emotionally mature, a good 95% of people on DCUM are right there with me, including you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse.

To repeat: your children must be monsters.

That's super mean of you to say! But I wasn't the PP you were talking to earlier; there is more than one person who disagrees with you.

I don't think you have the capability of dropping your defenses and understanding what we are saying. If you did have that capability, you wouldn't resort to calling our children monsters. Also you would notice that I said repeatedly "can," rather than talking in absolutes like you are. It seems like this might be a really emotional topic for you! You might want to do a little emotional regulation practice yourself.

Also, I talking from experience. I have one parent who was pretty good but did things that have harmful impacts, and one parent who was severely emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. People tell me all the time that they have no idea how I got through my childhood. The fact that I can see that their actions have really bad consequences for me in my life doesn't mean I'm blaming them for all my bad choices. I have a good marriage, a good career, I'm a pretty good mom, etc. in spite of everything. I have asked them to acknowledge their mistakes (which they did), but that was for the purpose of building a deeper relationship with them, not so that I can blame them for stuff. Now my sister, despite being 36 years old, has never stopped asking my parents for apologies and she continues to blame their parenting choices (that weren't even bad parenting choices) for her kind of crappy life. She should stop doing that and grow up, but nobody who knows what our childhood looks at her actions and thinks "why on earth would she be like that?"

Ugh and ugh. You sound too smug, combined with your veiled insults, to be as emotionally mature as you claim.

Anonymous wrote:Funny how we all swear not to repeat our parents’ mistakes. And than your children grow up and blame YOU for all YOUR mistakes. Funny how that happens from one generation to the next.

Well who else would be blamed for my parenting mistakes if not me?

Just because we want our parentings to acknowledge their mistakes doesn't mean we can't own up to ours.

Anonymous wrote:Funny how we all swear not to repeat our parents’ mistakes. And than your children grow up and blame YOU for all YOUR mistakes. Funny how that happens from one generation to the next.

My mom never confronted her mom for allowing my mom to be molested as a child and looking the other way. She left home at 18 and cut her mom out of her life. Understandably, my mom was focked up and was an alcoholic who neglected and abused me. I have suffered as an adult because of that neglect and abuse. I never asked her for an apology or even acknowledgement of what she did to me (dad was terrible, too and they enabled each other). I did, however, inquire wtf they were thinking when they hurt me. I never got an answer. They have been gone for 10+ years, but the impact of abuse lives on in me. I lack self compassion, I'm a perfectionist, I suffer anxiety and depression at times. One thing I don't do is harm my children. I've never hit, yelled, starved, named called, etc.. I've loved, nurtured, supported, helped them, cheer them on and provide love and security. If they come to me as ac with complaints, I'm going to apologize and listen and make it right with them. I value them more than my ego. I can admit mistakes.

Funny how we all swear not to repeat our parents’ mistakes. And than your children grow up and blame YOU for all YOUR mistakes. Funny how that happens from one generation to the next.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse.

To repeat: your children must be monsters.

That's super mean of you to say! But I wasn't the PP you were talking to earlier; there is more than one person who disagrees with you.

I don't think you have the capability of dropping your defenses and understanding what we are saying. If you did have that capability, you wouldn't resort to calling our children monsters. Also you would notice that I said repeatedly "can," rather than talking in absolutes like you are. It seems like this might be a really emotional topic for you! You might want to do a little emotional regulation practice yourself.

Also, I talking from experience. I have one parent who was pretty good but did things that have harmful impacts, and one parent who was severely emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. People tell me all the time that they have no idea how I got through my childhood. The fact that I can see that their actions have really bad consequences for me in my life doesn't mean I'm blaming them for all my bad choices. I have a good marriage, a good career, I'm a pretty good mom, etc. in spite of everything. I have asked them to acknowledge their mistakes (which they did), but that was for the purpose of building a deeper relationship with them, not so that I can blame them for stuff. Now my sister, despite being 36 years old, has never stopped asking my parents for apologies and she continues to blame their parenting choices (that weren't even bad parenting choices) for her kind of crappy life. She should stop doing that and grow up, but nobody who knows what our childhood looks at her actions and thinks "why on earth would she be like that?"

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse.

To repeat: your children must be monsters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.

I think there are obvious cases of abuse like this, sure- but, really, there's a lot of blame that is concocted or used as excuses by AC towards their parents. It's really pretty sad. Let's not confuse actual abuse, trauma with everyday living or just because there is some annoyance.

Pretty ballsy of you to think you have any right, or expertise, to define what is "abuse or trauma" for another person.

Some of you need to check yourself and recognize that, whatever you think, you actually know sh-- about what another person has been through or subjected to (or capable of enduring). Have some empathy. Compassion. And if you can't, then just STFU.

DP. I agree with pp, and it’s pretty ballsy of you to assert that ACs should get a free pass for every and all complaint against their parents. Of course there’s real abuse but, as pp wrote, some AC’s blame their parents for their own choices. If you have kids, they must be little monsters.

Interesting comment about PP asserting that AC get a free pass for every and all complaints about their parents. I’m curious to know where you got that idea from her statement about not knowing somebody’s life and having empathy and compassion for others?

Because you take the AC’s side in every single argument.

People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.

I think there are obvious cases of abuse like this, sure- but, really, there's a lot of blame that is concocted or used as excuses by AC towards their parents. It's really pretty sad. Let's not confuse actual abuse, trauma with everyday living or just because there is some annoyance.

Pretty ballsy of you to think you have any right, or expertise, to define what is "abuse or trauma" for another person.

Some of you need to check yourself and recognize that, whatever you think, you actually know sh-- about what another person has been through or subjected to (or capable of enduring). Have some empathy. Compassion. And if you can't, then just STFU.

DP. I agree with pp, and it’s pretty ballsy of you to assert that ACs should get a free pass for every and all complaint against their parents. Of course there’s real abuse but, as pp wrote, some AC’s blame their parents for their own choices. If you have kids, they must be little monsters.

Interesting comment about PP asserting that AC get a free pass for every and all complaints about their parents. I’m curious to know where you got that idea from her statement about not knowing somebody’s life and having empathy and compassion for others?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.

I think there are obvious cases of abuse like this, sure- but, really, there's a lot of blame that is concocted or used as excuses by AC towards their parents. It's really pretty sad. Let's not confuse actual abuse, trauma with everyday living or just because there is some annoyance.

Pretty ballsy of you to think you have any right, or expertise, to define what is "abuse or trauma" for another person.

Some of you need to check yourself and recognize that, whatever you think, you actually know sh-- about what another person has been through or subjected to (or capable of enduring). Have some empathy. Compassion. And if you can't, then just STFU.

DP. I agree with pp, and it’s pretty ballsy of you to assert that ACs should get a free pass for every and all complaint against their parents. Of course there’s real abuse but, as pp wrote, some AC’s blame their parents for their own choices. If you have kids, they must be little monsters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.

I think there are obvious cases of abuse like this, sure- but, really, there's a lot of blame that is concocted or used as excuses by AC towards their parents. It's really pretty sad. Let's not confuse actual abuse, trauma with everyday living or just because there is some annoyance.

Pretty ballsy of you to think you have any right, or expertise, to define what is "abuse or trauma" for another person.

Some of you need to check yourself and recognize that, whatever you think, you actually know sh-- about what another person has been through or subjected to (or capable of enduring). Have some empathy. Compassion. And if you can't, then just STFU.

Amen. And also, if the PP believes the only things anyone should ever have to apologize for are things that amount to their definition of abuse… well damn, I hope I don’t know them in real life! Psycho much?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

But at what point are you done apologizing and listening? This whole thread is about gaslighting parents not taking accountability for their actions, but what about gaslighting adult kids? Kids that seem to forget every GOOD thing you ever did for them or really seem to incorrectly remember the past?

Or literally make up a whole narrative that is entirely skewed, our of context or patently false in order to justify their own behavior?

No one calls out narcissistic adult kids! Somehow it seems if a person goes to a therapist and makes up a lof of nonsense, that alone justifies an apology.

Several of my friend's kids were involved in toxic marriages or relationships, one in a religious cult ish thing, and one with a substance abuse issue, and decided to bring up absolute fiction in order to become estranged from their parents and basically enjoy their allegiance to whatever they were involved in. One decided to have numerous affairs, and couldn't understand why her parents weren't supportive of her when her marriage ended.
2 situations, the toxic relationships ended, they needed their parents. It took a therapist to ask them to apologize.
The religious one? Still involved. Associates with no one outside.
Divorced AC, married again, still having affairs.
Substance abuse. You know what happened there, right? 35 year old atty no one actually knew was in that much trouble.

It's not always the parents' issues- it's not an assumed default. If you are going to suggest that the parents were at fault or these adult childrem wouldn't have gotten into these things, think again. Not even close.

Yep. There can be toxicity on both sides. If you want a great example of a toxic kid, check out the Family Relationships forum where a kid is currently ranting about cutting off her parents because they
1. didn't get her a car until a senior year of high school,
2. refused to pay out-of-state tuition for college
3. refused to pay for junior year abroad, but did take her abroad
4. bought her a condo in Manhattan, but this was only to "control" her

Nope. You’re twisting the story. First off, I haven’t cut off my parents. But I do have issues with the fact I wasn’t allowed to find my own job and pay for a car and I was upset I couldn’t apply to OOS schools and take out loans. HUGE difference from what you describe above.

What is with your generation and control issues? I don't remember ever hearing about children complaining about parents controlling them. It was understood they would have opinions and would try to steer you as a parent. You might say your parents were outdated and didn't understand you but today's kids all want freedom like all the time. This wasn't a thing back in the day to this extent. At least not for women.

LOL whaaaat??? Only the new generation complains about controlling parents? Are you five?

No. I really don't know anyone who did this. They would complain about rules. My mom makes me come home to a curfew or won't let me see the R rated movie, but it wasn't seen as controlling like you were some puppet. It wasn't seen as all encompassing. It was seen as if they were trying to keep you a kid and you wanted to be an adult. These days it's like the kids think their parents are trying to program them like a computer. At least that's how it sounds when the kids speak about controlling parents. I don't remember anyone using that word.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't understand how controlling some parents can be. I'm 53 and had extremely controlling parents. The controlling led to physical, verbal and emotional abuse, sometimes weird sexual abuse was allowed. When angry, self absorbed parents are controlling, you have to just go inside your head to survive your childhood. An excellent therapist, a bit of EMDR and books helped me parent myself so I could be a functioning adult and raise my own kids in a healthier home. Each generation can try to do better when they know better. This is not new to the younger generation at all.

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.

I think there are obvious cases of abuse like this, sure- but, really, there's a lot of blame that is concocted or used as excuses by AC towards their parents. It's really pretty sad. Let's not confuse actual abuse, trauma with everyday living or just because there is some annoyance.

Pretty ballsy of you to think you have any right, or expertise, to define what is "abuse or trauma" for another person.

Some of you need to check yourself and recognize that, whatever you think, you actually know sh-- about what another person has been through or subjected to (or capable of enduring). Have some empathy. Compassion. And if you can't, then just STFU.

I can’t remember a time when my parents ever apologized for things like losing their temper, forgetting important things, or pushing me into situations I wasn’t comfortable with.

On the other hand, I have made it a regular practice with my own child.

Obviously there’s a generational divide at play here, but my parents were also particularly authoritarian.

I just thought it was well established at this point that the infallible parent model is not a good one. Some posters here seem to have missed the memo.

Monkey see monkey do and all that. If you want to raise compassionate, accountable adults…you have to act that way with your kids. So many issues with adult “children” seem to stem from rigid parents clinging to authority like dictators who can never admit fault. It’s wild.

Even wilder is that I probably learned more about how to be a decent human from working for a really great boss for the last 20 years. Lucky to have found a role model in an unlikely place. But, I imagine my life would look very different today if I’d learned these lessons earlier.

Anonymous wrote:

If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them.