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[quote=Anonymous][quote=ThatBetch][quote=Anonymous]Does anyone else think maybe the wife has PPD? She's losing her shit over some long distance online flirting, having trouble waking up despite not doing night feedings, plus other examples op gave of wife seeming unmotivated.

Is your wife a SAHM op? [/quote]

Or maybe OP is a dick. He's in here, asking for someone to tell him how to make amends, while simultaneously dodging/denying responsibility for his actions. And you're helping, PP.

Step one: Acknowledge, fully, that your actions caused her pain. It wasn't "just" texting, or you would've told your wife about it in the first place. Being sneaky and devious kills trust. No buts, no "if you had been less... I wouldn't have had to..." blameshifting, just own the suck. All of it. Quit using minimizing language and trying to make it look less crappy than it was. That's not a sincere apology, and she'll see right through it. If you're not going to take full responsibility for your actions, don't bother "apologizing" because you're not really sorry.

Step two: Apologize. Not "I'm sorry if..." Not "I'm sorry I hurt you, but you also hurt me." Not "I'm so sorry and I feel so awful and I suck and poor me please pity me." An actual apology. I am sorry that I did the messed up thing I did, and I understand how my actions have hurt you.

Step three: Amends. Amends are about making it right. So figure out just what, exactly, you messed up. You diverted your time and energy away from your partner (and new baby). Find ways to pay it back. You took away her ability to trust you. Man, that's shit. You're going to have to be 100% transparent going forward, and don't ask her to trust you at all. Just be trustworthy. Trust is about being consistent; this will take time. Get to the heart of why she's hurt. Really listen to what she says, and take action to heal those wounds.

Step four: Action. Do. Do more. This is not about saying you're sorry (which you don't really even seem to be, so this whole post may be moot). This is about showing you're sorry, and doing the work to bridge the gap you caused between you and your spouse. Whatever "helping" you thought you were doing earlier? Triple it.

And if you're not willing to do these things, because you're such a self-absorbed, myopic jerk (and I think this is likely, given both your actions and your denials/dismissive language about them even here), just tell her. You owe her honesty.

She's probably already aware that you're not partner material, and that's why she's on her way out.

Whatever you do, don't go down that road PP suggested, wherein you minimize the damage you've caused, and try to blameshift and make it about something else (her mental health). Women are culturally programmed to believe it's all our fault anyway, and if you exploit that to cover your own ass, you are the lowest of the low.
[/quote]

Could be. Or could be the OP's wife is the dick. He did the finger feeding. (Was she pumping OP? Did she have to do overnight pumping even if you did the actual feedings?) He took care of the overnight feedings while working full time. He's taking care of household and baby stuff, at a half or more rate, so I'm not buying the immaturity or outrage people are giving him. I'm guessing, and it's just conjecture at this point because op hasn't said, but I'm guessing he views household and baby stuff as DW's job because she's a SAHM and he has an outside the home job. That would mean him doing half the work is supporting her in her job, and helping her a lot. Not that he views changing an occasional diaper as a grand gesture. It sounds like he's trying to be supportive and helpful, and she's taking and taking, and he had a little escapism. It was crappy but it wasn't even sexting. Just a little online flirting. Jesus Christ. He didn't cheat. He didn't even get into dirty talk. I can't be outraged on the wife's behalf. She sounds cuckoo bananas. Having had a baby recently, she may very well be. Especially if she quit her job to do this, and feels isolated being stuck at home with a baby and threatened because her DH is feeling the need to escape. I remember feeling shell shocked after my second when I had PPD and decided to SAH. It wasn't as fun as I expected and I shut down, sort of like how the op is describing his wife.

He didn't cheat. He had a flirtation. It's not good, but it's not divorce worthy under normal circumstances. [/quote]

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