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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I bet, until today, your sister would have said that she would never, ever date a married man, under any circumstances.

I certainly said that until the day I found out that the guy I had fallen in love with was married.

I was reeling - devastated by his dishonestly, devastated that the feelings and hopes I had invested in him were all betrayed, and completely lost and lonely and confused.  I had lost the person who I thought was closest to me.  I had lost the vision of everything that I thought my future might be.

(And yes, we were only together about 5 weeks then.  Cheaters are VERY good at conducting whirlwind, movie-star romances for short periods of time, sweeping women off their feet to escape the mundane, dreary everyday slog of a relationship.)

When he begged to see me to explain why he had lied, everything he said SHOULD have struck me as the bullshit we all know it is.  His wife was emotionally abusive, but he stayed with her because her mom had had a terminal illness, and he didn't want to abandon her.  They had no sex.  They never really had a true connection.  He married too young.  She was an attorney and could be vindictive and controlling, so he needed to wait until he was better situated financially to afford a good lawyer to file for divorce.  Etc etc etc.  I now know it is all BS, but in that first 24-48 hours?  I wanted to believe it all.  I wanted to believe I hadn't just wasted all my time and gotten my heart broken.  I wanted to believe that everything he told me wasn't a complete lie.

It took a few days for me to absorb what a rat he was and tell him never to talk to me again.

My suggestion to you is to have some empathy for your young sister.  She's just been hit with an emotional 2x4.  She's reeling and hurting and grasping at any possibility that her happy ending is still within reach.

I'd suggest just saying something like, "This rat has betrayed you and violated your trust -- you must be devastated.  I'm here for you and I'm so, so sorry you are hurting.  You deserve better.  Please reach out to me if you need me in the next weeks; I know you are hurt and scared and sad."

I would keep the moralizing to yourself unless she asks your opinion. I think you can trust that she will come to understand what a rat he is.  Just give her a little time to absorb the shock of it all.[/quote]

After only five weeks you lost the person you thought was closest to you?  After only five weeks you lost the vision of everything you thought your future would be?  When did women become so delusional and flighty?  You knew the guy for 5 weeks.  This reeks of zero self worth.  [/quote]

PP here.  I'm not sure why it's hard for you to understand that some people, though strong and accomplished in many areas of life (I had plenty of self-worth regarding academics and professional accomplishments) would have less of a strong well of emotional reserves and resources when it comes to romantic relationships.  As for me, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and was reeling from a breakup of a relationship that bridges high school and early college when I was in my early 20's.  It took a lot for me to let down my guard and trust a man.  And this guy...this incredibly accomplished liar and seducer, was able to tap into my deepest vulnerabilities and most deeply hidden hopes in an extraordinarily short time.

He was emotionally astute, deeply manipulative, very convincing, and incredibly generous with time, attention, and intense focus.  I have never before or since felt quite so seen and deeply understood.  It was overpowering and I allowed myself to be swept up.

So, yes, in that context it was devastating, and deeply humiliating, to have been so thoroughly deceived.  To have allowed my defenses to be lowered and to be so completely wrong about a person.

While I in my early 20's may have had some emotional vulnerabilities that made me easy prey for a guy like this, I also believe that accomplished liars and cheaters are extremely skillful - that's how they succeed in keeping their lies going as well as gaining social approval in so many other area is their lives.

This in no way condones the OP's sister if she chooses to stay with her boyfriend in the long term.  I'm simply saying that a person can have a very solid sense of morality and still be completely emotionally turned around in the immediate aftermath of a betrayal like this.  And anyone reading this who congratulated themselves on the superiority of never having fallen head over heels for an emotional vampire might just have a tiny bit of compassion for people whose live experiences have not been identical or who have less well developed relationship skills.

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