Reply to I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal

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Reply to "I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, Christmas is about grace - love and forgiveness and hope freely given. That's the Christmas story in a nutshell. I'm sure its frustrating, but see if you can de-link your kid's behavior from his Christmas gifts. He gets Christmas gifts because you love him unconditionally (even when he is a brat), and because of the joy the whole family has when opening gifts on Christmas morning. Christmas gifts aren't rewards or bribes or incentives - they are love, freely given. Your boy needs your love now, while you two are working on behavior together.

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Great response.  Christmas is about love freely given.  Forgiveness freely given.  Hope and generosity.  (I'm not even really a Christian anymore but I believe this!)

What you are teaching him is that Christmas is about being rewarded by the surveillance state for compliance.  God and Santa are watching?  WTF?

What I really wonder is what kind of response you actually expected from shouting, "What is wrong with you?" at a little boy.  Did you think he would say, "Oh, Mommy, I just realized that I am ungrateful and disrespectful.  I am flawed inside, as you have taught me.  Please shame my bad behavior out of me so that I will earn your approval."

You hurt him.  There is no way that a person could say, "What is wrong with you?" without it being perceived as purposefully hurtful.  His response seems entirely appropriate.  What IS wrong with you, OP?   Why are you so angry with him?  Why are you so cruel?   What is so empty in your life that you have to lash out at a kid who hasn't yet learned how to behave?

Your son hasn't yet LEARNED.  You are his teacher, and you have not taught him well so far.  That is not his fault.  He needs to be taught differently and more effectively.  The Kazdin method could help you, PEP could help you, but I fear you're beyond help because you have internalized the lie that he is a bad kid and that he doesn't LIKE you.  (I don't like you.  I don't blame him.)

Have you sought therapy for yourself?  You sound desperately, desperately unhappy and you are putting it all on your kid.

If you love him, you might write him a note like this.  "Son, I am sorry that I was so mean in the car this morning.  I love you.  I have loved you since the minute I knew you existed.  I have been really frustrated and hurt because we are not getting along lately, and I want us to do better.  I want to treat you with more kindness and love.  I hope I can teach you how to be more kind and loving, too.  Can we agree on a new rule together?  I'd like the rule to be, "In our family we are kind to each other."  What do you think of that rule?  Love, Mom."[/quote]

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