Reply to I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op,

It sounds like you need some help.  Not therapy, but someone who can help ypu figure out how best to parent your child.  All children are different, and you need to find some alternatives that work for you.

[/quote]

I agree. I did work with a child psychologist for 4 months to learn how to better parent my kid, and made small changes each week until things were more manageable. Working with a professional helped in several ways - he was able to tell me that my kid really is as awesome as everyone else says he is, he gave me permission to try the things I knew I needed to try but was being told not to do by other people, and he was able to help me make small changes that weren't overwhelming.

Now, my 6 year old is still strong willed, still the most stubborn person I've ever met, but we have a good routine at home, and tantrums are an every other week thing now instead of every day. Life is calmer, we're happier, and my son is happy and relaxed. Working with the psychologist was the best thing I ever did. [/quote]

NP here. Would you mind sharing a few things you learned?[/quote]

Sure! If you want, the book Parenting the Strongwilled Child by Forehand has all the steps, and they really do work. Having someone to talk to about it though kept me on track and held me accountable for making the changes, and also helped troubleshoot certain areas.

Primarily, that the relationship between parent and child has to come first. So the first thing we did was 10-15 minutes per day of a fun activity that my son was in complete control of - I didn't ask questions or give directions and just let him lead the activity. It works better if it's an open ended activity, so we usually did blocks or drawing. I would also kind of narrate what he was doing. It felt really silly, but taught me how to validate him when he was being good, which I then started using other times he was being good - you're reading that so well, or cool Lego design, or Whatever he's doing that I want him to continue doing. It also taught me that when you pay attention to the GOOD behavior you get more of it. I got into a rut where whenever my son was being good I snuck off to do something I needed to get done, when I really needed to spend that time with him to reinforce the behavior. The bad behavior is what you need to ignore (unless it's unsafe, and then I would put my son in his room for timeout).

Then, some behaviors are annoying but can be ignored safely and effectively. Tantrums? Do the dishes or read the newspaper or do something else. But stay calm! until the tantrum stops and then turn your attention back to the child. Learning how to effectively ignore unwanted behavior was invaluable. He's fighting about putting his shoes on? I just go make my coffee and get myself ready until he stops and then usually his shoes are still on before mine are.

A few other things are escaping me right now, but almost last we talked about giving effective instructions. Getting down on their level, looking them in the eye and saying, "DC, go brush your teeth now". It's a command, it's simple, it's easy to remember. Chain instructions are NOT effective, ie, "Go upstairs and brush teeth, floss, go potty, and put on pjs". They can't remember all of that, and may push back because it's overwhelming or because they don't remember. Then the cycle of frustration begins. Also ineffective, "go clean your room because grandma is coming over and blah blah blah" - you lose them with the reasoning when it comes first because they can't remember everything you said.

Sorry about typos, I'm typing on my phone and it's not being super cooperative. 
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