Reply to Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]If you divorce you have to do it b/c you would rather be alone and a single mother than staying in the marriage.  You shouldn't do it thinking you would like a different husband-- you may not/ probably will not ever find this mythical creature. [/b] 
I have many friends who have recently (in the last 5 years) gone through divorce.   The only one who is truly happier is one who didn't have any children- and even her happiness is not great.   In all cases their standard of living has dropped dramatically.   You may think you can afford an apt- but if you have a house now that will be a dramatic adjustment for you and your kids.   In many cases the ex starts dating again- to a woman you may like, but probably won't- he ends up taking on some version of a parenting role with your kids.  
I saw a statistic that the most dangerous person in a child's life is mom's live in boyfriend- something to always keep in mind.[/quote]

+1. Agree completely with the bolded. I'm 36 and recently divorced with 2 young kids, although for different reasons (serial cheater, emotional abuse, drug use, compulsive lies...). I am very confident divorce was the best decision, but even so it's very hard. You have to deal with a complete change in your and your kids lifestyles, in how you handle your finances, make decisions, and will possibly face your H marrying another woman and having her in your kids' lives. All that while you may or may not find another fulfilling relationship.

How is your H as a father? Is he affectionate, playful at all? If there's any salvageable aspect of your marriage, I'd hold on to it and try to work from there in therapy. Leave your kids with family/nanny one night and sit down with your H, talk to him very frankly and calmly, where both of you write down three scenarios of what would happen if you divorce, if you stay married and improve your marriage and if you stay married in the current state. Write about both practical consequences and feelings, go into details for each situation so you can really see how things would affect you as individuals, as a family, and the kids. Then you can make a plan and commit to working on the top priorities that would improve your life for, say 1 year or x months. If by then you revisit and things are still bad, you will know divorce is the only solution.

Sounds like your husband is really depressed and his inaction is something he can't really help. A great therapist and medication are the only way out. Good luck OP. [/quote]

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