Anonymous
07/14/2015 23:01
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
For better or for worse, right? This just comes off a little first world problem-ish.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 21:09
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You know how people say start saving up if you're preparing for a divorce? What about an emotional savings account, where you start living as if you are responsible for your own happiness? How do you spend your emotional energy? Try putting it into your own pleasure instead of your H. Check out and follow your own needs for a while. I heard about a friend's friend who got her DH's attention simply by pulling herself together when she went out with their twins. He always wondered why she had her hair done and looked great when going on a playdate. This woman was NOT having an affair or even looking for one. She just invested in herself while DH took things for granted. I think her self-confidence and independence woke her DH up to the fact that she was still attractive and could, if she chose to, leave the marriage and be fine. She kept her circle of friends and had access to a social world that didn't depend on him.
Whether you do this to get your husband's attention or simply as an exercise in independent living, it may be worth consideration. Think of it as a dry run for divorced life.
Best advice in the thread so far!!!!
It's great when the stay plan is the same as the go plan, isn't it?
Excellent advice!!! +1,000,000
Anonymous
07/14/2015 21:01
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. Stuck with spouse, even with intimacy only twice per YEAR. No way was I uprooting the kids and doing all of the work raising them myself. 10 years later, kids almost off to college, I have a very full social life and family life . I have never strayed and am content every day. Sooooo glad I did not leave.
Did your relationship improve or did you grow accustomed to the status quo?
I'm curious about this too? Did the relationship improve/change at the empty nest stage? Did you actively work on it? Why the change?
Anonymous
07/14/2015 20:40
Subject: Re:Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:If you divorce you have to do it b/c you would rather be alone and a single mother than staying in the marriage. You shouldn't do it thinking you would like a different husband-- you may not/ probably will not ever find this mythical creature.
I have many friends who have recently (in the last 5 years) gone through divorce. The only one who is truly happier is one who didn't have any children- and even her happiness is not great. In all cases their standard of living has dropped dramatically. You may think you can afford an apt- but if you have a house now that will be a dramatic adjustment for you and your kids. In many cases the ex starts dating again- to a woman you may like, but probably won't- he ends up taking on some version of a parenting role with your kids.
I saw a statistic that the most dangerous person in a child's life is mom's live in boyfriend- something to always keep in mind.
+1. Agree completely with the bolded. I'm 36 and recently divorced with 2 young kids, although for different reasons (serial cheater, emotional abuse, drug use, compulsive lies...). I am very confident divorce was the best decision, but even so it's very hard. You have to deal with a complete change in your and your kids lifestyles, in how you handle your finances, make decisions, and will possibly face your H marrying another woman and having her in your kids' lives. All that while you may or may not find another fulfilling relationship.
How is your H as a father? Is he affectionate, playful at all? If there's any salvageable aspect of your marriage, I'd hold on to it and try to work from there in therapy. Leave your kids with family/nanny one night and sit down with your H, talk to him very frankly and calmly, where both of you write down three scenarios of what would happen if you divorce, if you stay married and improve your marriage and if you stay married in the current state. Write about both practical consequences and feelings, go into details for each situation so you can really see how things would affect you as individuals, as a family, and the kids. Then you can make a plan and commit to working on the top priorities that would improve your life for, say 1 year or x months. If by then you revisit and things are still bad, you will know divorce is the only solution.
Sounds like your husband is really depressed and his inaction is something he can't really help. A great therapist and medication are the only way out. Good luck OP.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 17:48
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.
Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.
OP, are you willing to accept that it may not be what you are hoping for on the other side, in terms of dating? Might you still be happier single than in an unhappy, lonely marriage? Though it's certainly very possible that you will find a better relationship, there are no guarantees, single mom or not.
Does your DH know that you are seriously contemplating divorce? Why did his first marriage fail?
I'm so sorry for your pain.
OP here. the unknown of what will happen is part of what is keeping me in this marriage. the other part is, of course, my children. i have no idea how i will feel if dating sucks. badly, i am sure. i would like to share my life with somebody who is an equal partner. i feel emotionally lonely in my marriage, although i do have a built in companion to go do things with as a family or with other couples, so societally speaking i have a partner.
re: the first marriage. a lot of blaming her for things, she ultimately left him. i think i am understanding why that was. he never went to therapy after that marriage.
You will be lonely to lose that as well. You may say right now you won't but you will. It's a lifestyle you have grown accustmoed too.
Then their are your friends that you know as a couple and even that you know individually. Those will change as well. Some will drift away, some will basically ignore you in fear that they will catch divorce. And as crappy as this sounds but I am being really honest, I am pretty careful about allowing my kid to go over to friends houses for playdates with divorced parents especially once the parent starts dating. It's usually the mom who is hosting the playdates and really I don't want my kid hanging out with mom and random boyfriend.
You will parent your kids half of the rest of their life. The other half they will be with their dad. You will spend half of all holidays with them. Honestly, I have watched my friends suffer through this and it's really hard.
You've made alot of assumptions here. About her friends, their custodial arrangement, her emotional state post-divorce. And alot of it is fear-based. I'm happy to not host playdates (only do this with my close friends and their kids) and I don't do drop off playdates because of men present in the home. We usually meet other families in public places instead.
OP, I can tell you that as a single mom, there will probably be people like the PP who might treat you differently. There will also be those who won't. And you might find that you gain more friendships through other single moms in a similar boat. I can tell you that because my circle is a mixture of married families with kids, DINKs, same sex with kids, single parents, transnational adoptions, etc, my daughter has never felt odd. My ex and I lived 5-10 mins away from each other and split drop off and school pickup so she saw us both daily. She's bragged about having 3 homes instead of one (she's a spoiled first grandchild lol). I've met guys with my daughter in tow, divorced fathers who only date other women with kids, my friends' husbands have played matchmaker, etc. While I'm now interested in longterm, I honestly haven't felt lonely in years. Once you're ready to date, you WILL have to be proactive. But much of that is due to being 40+ and most people being married, not being a mom. In fact, you're probably better off finding other divorced dads at that point in a similar boat. The fact that you have a healthy libido will be a plus. If you're past the point of needing tall, a certain look, willing to date decent guys who aren't the hottest, you'll probably land someone. Many women just give up. Frankly, its easier to start over as an early 40s woman than waiting until the kids are even older and you are too. That said, I do agree that you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about alternative options first. Having an open relationship might be a better solution.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 17:20
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.
Sorry, OP, but +1
Disagree. Damaged forever seems pretty overly dramatic.
It all depends on how you raise them.
I have many friends that had parents that stayed together until they were in college and it HURT them more. They just wished they would get divorced already earlier. It also is a CRUMMY time to divorce. Just when your kid goes off and needs a solid level of support at home...BAM!
I divorced my ex when my kids were 2 and 4. They know their life as the new normal and they are happier because Mom and Dad are happier separated. I do not think they are damaged, TYVM.
Oh, yeah. Because kids this age care so much about Mom and Dad's "happiness."
Anonymous
07/14/2015 17:17
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. Stuck with spouse, even with intimacy only twice per YEAR. No way was I uprooting the kids and doing all of the work raising them myself. 10 years later, kids almost off to college, I have a very full social life and family life . I have never strayed and am content every day. Sooooo glad I did not leave.
Did your relationship improve or did you grow accustomed to the status quo?
Anonymous
07/14/2015 17:13
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
I could have written this. Stuck with spouse, even with intimacy only twice per YEAR. No way was I uprooting the kids and doing all of the work raising them myself. 10 years later, kids almost off to college, I have a very full social life and family life . I have never strayed and am content every day. Sooooo glad I did not leave.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 17:10
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.
Sorry, OP, but +1
Disagree. Damaged forever seems pretty overly dramatic.
It all depends on how you raise them.
I have many friends that had parents that stayed together until they were in college and it HURT them more. They just wished they would get divorced already earlier. It also is a CRUMMY time to divorce. Just when your kid goes off and needs a solid level of support at home...BAM!
I divorced my ex when my kids were 2 and 4. They know their life as the new normal and they are happier because Mom and Dad are happier separated. I do not think they are damaged, TYVM.
Speculative. How do you know if it hurt them more? We would never know that information would we? Unless we are dealing with an abusive relationship, we really would never know the impact until after the fact. Reconciliation is always the best option. Until its not.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 17:03
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.
Sorry, OP, but +1
Disagree. Damaged forever seems pretty overly dramatic.
It all depends on how you raise them.
I have many friends that had parents that stayed together until they were in college and it HURT them more. They just wished they would get divorced already earlier. It also is a CRUMMY time to divorce. Just when your kid goes off and needs a solid level of support at home...BAM!
I divorced my ex when my kids were 2 and 4. They know their life as the new normal and they are happier because Mom and Dad are happier separated. I do not think they are damaged, TYVM.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 16:57
Subject: Re:Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:A lot of dangerous advice on here.
You may have answered this already OP, so forgive me if its a repeat question: Is your husband abusive emotionally or physically? Does he respect you and your kids? Is he dishonest, or do you suspect an affair? My guess based on the conversation thusfar, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that the answer to all of these questions is no.
If the main the issue is simply a lack of intimacy (emotional and physical), then you need to keep working on your marriage. You owe it to each other and for your kids. Seven years is a long time to not be intimate, but you noted that you started marriage counseling seven months ago. Thats a rather short period of time.
I happen to be the husband that was on the other side of a similar issue (I was not being intimate with wife, multiple young children, money & working parent pressures, etc), and we saved our marriage a few years ago. Long story short, I was having self esteem issues due to a mental health issue which I was unaware of. I just recently learned of health issue, so clearing that up wasn't what saved the marriage. Improving our communication was.
In marriage, just like in life, we have seasons. He may be going through something internally that he very well cannot articulate or feels uncomfortable sharing. Sounds like you are going through something too. Thats okay. You may very well may need to take the lead on righting the ship. Thats okay too.
I'm not familiar with sex therapy, but in general, regular therapy is probably going to be more helpful in your case. A few other things to consider that may help in reconnecting emotionally:
-Sleeping in the same bed
-Take time each day/evening to talk intentionally. This means no distractions, no cell phone, laptops or TV in the background. Just you and him one-on-one, facing each other congruently. Go through the following topics (each of you):
1) Share something you appreciate each other. No matter how minor it may sound.
2) Tell me some new information. Doesn't matter what it is.
3) Tell me about something that puzzles you (a problem you may be dealing with). Doesn't matter what it is. You could also substitute this for sharing a current fear/anxiety.
4) Do you have a request for change (of my behavior). Is there something you would like me to stop, continue or do differently?
5) What are your hopes and dreams?
-Find one "thing" that you do together (TV show? running? Lunch on Mondays?)
-Make time to spend with each other. If possible, a mini vacation alone together. Even a day trip would work. My wife and I take an occasional day or afternoon off from work to go to the movies/wineries.
-Lastly, and this is mostly for you (not saying you do not do this already), try to be cognizant of thoughts that center on judgment, blame and fault. Check your thoughts. Your husband not being intimate with you does not = he doesn't want to be with me or doesn't find me attractive. Thats a judgment on yourself that you are not good enough. Hard to operate in a place of victory in your marriage coming from that place. Also blaming him doesn't help either. It just puts him in a defensive position, which usually means clamming up even more. A position of love says: I know we have not been intimate, but I am willing to work and wait.
That is all.
OP here. What a beautiful response. Thank you.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 16:51
Subject: Re:Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
A lot of dangerous advice on here.
You may have answered this already OP, so forgive me if its a repeat question: Is your husband abusive emotionally or physically? Does he respect you and your kids? Is he dishonest, or do you suspect an affair? My guess based on the conversation thusfar, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that the answer to all of these questions is no.
If the main the issue is simply a lack of intimacy (emotional and physical), then you need to keep working on your marriage. You owe it to each other and for your kids. Seven years is a long time to not be intimate, but you noted that you started marriage counseling seven months ago. Thats a rather short period of time.
I happen to be the husband that was on the other side of a similar issue (I was not being intimate with wife, multiple young children, money & working parent pressures, etc), and we saved our marriage a few years ago. Long story short, I was having self esteem issues due to a mental health issue which I was unaware of. I just recently learned of health issue, so clearing that up wasn't what saved the marriage. Improving our communication was.
In marriage, just like in life, we have seasons. He may be going through something internally that he very well cannot articulate or feels uncomfortable sharing. Sounds like you are going through something too. Thats okay. You may very well may need to take the lead on righting the ship. Thats okay too.
I'm not familiar with sex therapy, but in general, regular therapy is probably going to be more helpful in your case. A few other things to consider that may help in reconnecting emotionally:
-Sleeping in the same bed
-Take time each day/evening to talk intentionally. This means no distractions, no cell phone, laptops or TV in the background. Just you and him one-on-one, facing each other congruently. Go through the following topics (each of you):
1) Share something you appreciate each other. No matter how minor it may sound.
2) Tell me some new information. Doesn't matter what it is.
3) Tell me about something that puzzles you (a problem you may be dealing with). Doesn't matter what it is. You could also substitute this for sharing a current fear/anxiety.
4) Do you have a request for change (of my behavior). Is there something you would like me to stop, continue or do differently?
5) What are your hopes and dreams?
-Find one "thing" that you do together (TV show? running? Lunch on Mondays?)
-Make time to spend with each other. If possible, a mini vacation alone together. Even a day trip would work. My wife and I take an occasional day or afternoon off from work to go to the movies/wineries.
-Lastly, and this is mostly for you (not saying you do not do this already), try to be cognizant of thoughts that center on judgment, blame and fault. Check your thoughts. Your husband not being intimate with you does not = he doesn't want to be with me or doesn't find me attractive. Thats a judgment on yourself that you are not good enough. Hard to operate in a place of victory in your marriage coming from that place. Also blaming him doesn't help either. It just puts him in a defensive position, which usually means clamming up even more. A position of love says: I know we have not been intimate, but I am willing to work and wait.
That is all.
You may have answered this already OP, so forgive me if its a repeat question: Is your husband abusive emotionally or physically? Does he respect you and your kids? Is he dishonest, or do you suspect an affair? My guess based on the conversation thusfar, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that the answer to all of these questions is no.
If the main the issue is simply a lack of intimacy (emotional and physical), then you need to keep working on your marriage. You owe it to each other and for your kids. Seven years is a long time to not be intimate, but you noted that you started marriage counseling seven months ago. Thats a rather short period of time.
I happen to be the husband that was on the other side of a similar issue (I was not being intimate with wife, multiple young children, money & working parent pressures, etc), and we saved our marriage a few years ago. Long story short, I was having self esteem issues due to a mental health issue which I was unaware of. I just recently learned of health issue, so clearing that up wasn't what saved the marriage. Improving our communication was.
In marriage, just like in life, we have seasons. He may be going through something internally that he very well cannot articulate or feels uncomfortable sharing. Sounds like you are going through something too. Thats okay. You may very well may need to take the lead on righting the ship. Thats okay too.
I'm not familiar with sex therapy, but in general, regular therapy is probably going to be more helpful in your case. A few other things to consider that may help in reconnecting emotionally:
-Sleeping in the same bed
-Take time each day/evening to talk intentionally. This means no distractions, no cell phone, laptops or TV in the background. Just you and him one-on-one, facing each other congruently. Go through the following topics (each of you):
1) Share something you appreciate each other. No matter how minor it may sound.
2) Tell me some new information. Doesn't matter what it is.
3) Tell me about something that puzzles you (a problem you may be dealing with). Doesn't matter what it is. You could also substitute this for sharing a current fear/anxiety.
4) Do you have a request for change (of my behavior). Is there something you would like me to stop, continue or do differently?
5) What are your hopes and dreams?
-Find one "thing" that you do together (TV show? running? Lunch on Mondays?)
-Make time to spend with each other. If possible, a mini vacation alone together. Even a day trip would work. My wife and I take an occasional day or afternoon off from work to go to the movies/wineries.
-Lastly, and this is mostly for you (not saying you do not do this already), try to be cognizant of thoughts that center on judgment, blame and fault. Check your thoughts. Your husband not being intimate with you does not = he doesn't want to be with me or doesn't find me attractive. Thats a judgment on yourself that you are not good enough. Hard to operate in a place of victory in your marriage coming from that place. Also blaming him doesn't help either. It just puts him in a defensive position, which usually means clamming up even more. A position of love says: I know we have not been intimate, but I am willing to work and wait.
That is all.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 16:06
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
My SIL just left a marriage like this after 20 years of marriage and she seems so much happier. If you've tried counseling and it's not worked I'm not sure what more you can do.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 15:42
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Anonymous wrote:Your situation sounds very sympathetic, OP. But I can't help but to wonder as to your husband's perspective on things. Why did the marriage change for him?
Answered above.
Anonymous
07/14/2015 15:26
Subject: Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce
Your situation sounds very sympathetic, OP. But I can't help but to wonder as to your husband's perspective on things. Why did the marriage change for him?