Reply to Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity. [/quote]

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out.  None have found any new lasting relationships.  [/quote]

OP, are you willing to accept that it may not be what you are hoping for on the other side, in terms of dating? Might you still be happier single than in an unhappy, lonely marriage? Though it's certainly very possible that you will find a better relationship, there are no guarantees, single mom or not.

Does your DH know that you are seriously contemplating divorce? Why did his first marriage fail?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[/quote]

OP here.  the unknown of what will happen is part of what is keeping me in this marriage.  the other part is, of course, my children.  i have no idea how i will feel if dating sucks.  badly, i am sure.  i would like to share my life with somebody who is an equal partner. [b] i feel emotionally lonely in my marriage, although i do have a built in companion to go do things with as a family or with other couples, so societally speaking i have a partner.  [/b]

re: the first marriage.  a lot of blaming her for things, she ultimately left him.  i think i am understanding why that was.  he never went to therapy after that marriage.   [/quote]

You will be lonely to lose that as well. You may say right now you won't but you will. It's a lifestyle you have grown accustmoed too.

Then their are your friends that you know as a couple and even that you know individually. Those will change as well. Some will drift away, some will basically ignore you in fear that they will catch divorce.  And as crappy as this sounds but I am being really honest, I am pretty careful about allowing my kid to go over to friends houses for playdates with divorced parents especially once the parent starts dating. It's usually the mom who is hosting the playdates and really I don't want my kid hanging out with mom and random boyfriend.

You will parent your kids half of the rest of their life. The other half they will be with their dad.  You will spend half of all holidays with them.  Honestly, I have watched my friends suffer through this and it's really hard.

[/quote]

You've made alot of assumptions here. About her friends, their custodial arrangement, her emotional state post-divorce. And alot of it is fear-based. I'm happy to not host playdates (only do this with my close friends and their kids) and I don't do drop off playdates because of men present in the home. We usually meet other families in public places instead.

OP, I can tell you that as a single mom, there will probably be people like the PP who might treat you differently. There will also be those who won't. And you might find that you gain more friendships through other single moms in a similar boat. I can tell you that because my circle is a mixture of married families with kids, DINKs, same sex with kids, single parents, transnational adoptions, etc, my daughter has never felt odd. My ex and I lived 5-10 mins away from each other and split drop off and school pickup so she saw us both daily. She's bragged about having 3 homes instead of one (she's a spoiled first grandchild lol). I've met guys with my daughter in tow, divorced fathers who only date other women with kids, my friends' husbands have played matchmaker, etc. While I'm now interested in longterm, I honestly haven't felt lonely in years. Once you're ready to date, you WILL have to be proactive. But much of that is due to being 40+ and most people being married, not being a mom. In fact, you're probably better off finding other divorced dads at that point in a similar boat. The fact that you have a healthy libido will be a plus. If you're past the point of needing tall, a certain look, willing to date decent guys who aren't the hottest, you'll probably land someone. Many women just give up. Frankly, its easier to start over as an early 40s woman than waiting until the kids are even older and you are too. That said, I do agree that you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about alternative options first. Having an open relationship might be a better solution. [/quote]

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