Reply to Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

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Reply to "Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce"

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[quote=Anonymous]A lot of dangerous advice on here.

You may have answered this already OP, so forgive me if its a repeat question:  Is your husband abusive emotionally or physically? Does he respect you and your kids? Is he dishonest, or do you suspect an affair?  My guess based on the conversation thusfar, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that the answer to all of these questions is no.

If the main the issue is simply a lack of intimacy (emotional and physical), then you need to keep working on your marriage. You owe it to each other and for your kids. Seven years is a long time to not be intimate, but you noted that you started marriage counseling seven months ago. Thats a rather short period of time.

I happen to be the husband that was on the other side of a similar issue (I was not being intimate with wife, multiple young children, money & working parent pressures, etc), and we saved our marriage a few years ago. Long story short, I was having self esteem issues due to a mental health issue which I was unaware of.  I just recently learned of health issue, so clearing that up wasn't what saved the marriage. Improving our communication was.

In marriage, just like in life, we have seasons. He may be going through something internally that he very well cannot articulate or feels uncomfortable sharing. Sounds like you are going through something too. Thats okay. You may very well may need to take the lead on righting the ship. Thats okay too.

I'm not familiar with sex therapy, but in general, regular therapy is probably going to be more helpful in your case.  A few other things to consider that may help in reconnecting emotionally:

-Sleeping in the same bed
-Take time each day/evening to talk intentionally. This means no distractions, no cell phone, laptops or TV in the background. Just you and him one-on-one, facing each other congruently. Go through the following topics (each of you): 
1) Share something you appreciate each other. No matter how minor it may sound.
2) Tell me some new information. Doesn't matter what it is.
3) Tell me about something that puzzles you (a problem you may be dealing with). Doesn't matter what it is. You could also substitute this for sharing a current fear/anxiety.
4) Do you have a request for change (of my behavior). Is there something you would like me to stop, continue or do differently?
5) What are your hopes and dreams?

-Find one "thing" that you do together (TV show? running? Lunch on Mondays?)
-Make time to spend with each other.  If possible, a mini vacation alone together. Even a day trip would work. My wife and I take an occasional day or afternoon off from work to go to the movies/wineries.
-Lastly, and this is mostly for you (not saying you do not do this already), try to be cognizant of thoughts that center on judgment, blame and fault. Check your thoughts. Your husband not being intimate with you does not = he doesn't want to be with me or doesn't find me attractive. Thats a judgment on yourself that you are not good enough. Hard to operate in a place of victory in your marriage coming from that place. Also blaming him doesn't help either. It just puts him in a defensive position, which usually means clamming up even more. A position of love says: I know we have not been intimate, but I am willing to work and wait.

That is all.

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