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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed. [/quote]

OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.[/quote]

OP you are making a lot of excuses when in your own words you did not see what happened.

" (I was with my back turned, helping my other child with something, so did not see all of it directly): My 4YO apparently climbed onto the arm rest of the couch and was standing on it. My BIL firmly told her "no...no...." and she did not comply. He then moved toward her with the intention of physically removing her from the couch. By the time I realized that there was something happening and turned around, she was on the seat of the couch crying and trying to crawl away, and he was standing over her grabbing at her legs."

Perhaps he was pointing at the couch, perhaps he was not.  Unless you allow your kids to stand on the arm of the couch at home, which I doubt, even at 4 your child had to know she was doing something was wrong and therefore she knew what the no, no was about.
If you do let her stand on the arm of your own couch, then maybe she was confused and that brings up issues of what is proper and what is not in someone else's home.

I would have stayed in the room with my child to understand what happened.  Asked her questions to find out why she was crying (after all you had your back turned and could not see what was happening). I probably would have reminded her not to climb on the couch and that Uncle BIL was trying to make sure that she stays safe and did not mean to scare/upset her.

[b]In the end you have taught both your kids that Uncle BIL is mean and scary. [/b]

What you taught your BIL is that you have no respect for him or his rules and when you don't like something you are just going to walk away.    
If your child was in harms way, of course remove her, but some tears from being reprimanded by a family member is not a reason to flee.

You should have de-escalated the situation and if you really thought he crossed a line you should have spoken to him about it in private.

So I agree with the majority.  Your child was in the wrong.  BIL was right in addressing the situation but then you escalated as he did in return.  So in the end you all exhibited poor behavior except only one of the three of you is 4.   
It is nice that your SIL and BIL apologized but I think you and your child should also have apologized.

Your DD should have said "Uncle BIL, I am sorry I was standing on the couch.  I won't do it again".  In fact had you calmed your daughter down and asked her to do that in the moment your BIL might have apologized then and there as well.

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