Reply to Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings. [/quote]

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.  [/quote]

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think?  I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever.  I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").[/quote]

Exactly. I absolutely want my children to know that words can hurt people. I am trying my hardest to raise kids who have empathy. [/quote]

+1. If my child does something that is rude or intentionally hurtful, I will tell him the impact of what he has done because he needs to understand that in order to make more appropriate choices in the future. Hurtful words (name calling, insults, slurs, swearing AT someone) are wrong specifically because they hurt someone, and my kid needs to understand that. Our family believes that the only way something can be wrong or bad is if it harms someone in some way, so we always want to consider the impact our actions have on others.

There may be non-harmful things we still should not do for some reason, but the reason won't be because the thing is objectively bad. In that case the reason not to do the thing would relate to a simple cost-benefit analysis rather than to the thing being ethically wrong and would thus be very individualized and vary according to circumstances.

If whatever it is was a disappointment to me but not because my child did something with negative intent or to knowingly infringe on my basic rights, then it is likely my issue to manage not theirs and I will deal with it without involving them.

It is my job to help guide my child's development of morals/ethics, so I certainly want to help him understand the standard by which we believe the ethics of an action can best be measured -- the action's impact on others.

Examples:

I believe people have a right to be treated with basic respect for their inherent human worth and dignity in most cases. That means people have a right not to be demeaned and insulted. In preschool terms, that means people have a right to be talked to nicely and not with rude hurtful words. If my child says something like "You're a stupid head, I hate you" --> That is not ok in our home. The reason it is not ok is because it is rude and intended to be hurtful. I would absolutely tell them that hurt my feelings and was not an acceptable thing to say.

If my child simply wants to be held by the other parent instead, that is always ok to want (it may or may not be feasible to make happen at that specific point in time) since it isn't intentionally doing something rude or hurtful. Even if it did hurt my feelings, DS wouldn't have done anything wrong and thus my feelings are my own issue to manage without involving him. 
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