my child doesn't hurt my feelings. he says mean things to me occasionally, but I don't get "hurt." 1) he doesn't mean them 2) even if he did, he is 41/2 years old and I am his mom. Thsi isn't a relationhsip where I'm expecting something from a person and hurt when I don't get it.

you peopel are overinvested in youe kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. These things must be taught. Starting as soon as they do anything that hurts my feelings.

So you would tell a toddler that him wanting his Dad to hold him instead of you hurt your feelings?!

You have some hefty child psychologist bills in your future, PP.

That's going a bit overboard, don't you think? I think you left the reasonable person principle far behind with this one.

My interpretation was when the child says something like "you're not my friend!" or "I hate you!" or whatever. I think it's really important to teach children that those are hurtful things to say and that instead they should communicate their feelings better (like "I'm mad at you.").

Exactly. I absolutely want my children to know that words can hurt people. I am trying my hardest to raise kids who have empathy.

+1. If my child does something that is rude or intentionally hurtful, I will tell him the impact of what he has done because he needs to understand that in order to make more appropriate choices in the future. Hurtful words (name calling, insults, slurs, swearing AT someone) are wrong specifically because they hurt someone, and my kid needs to understand that. Our family believes that the only way something can be wrong or bad is if it harms someone in some way, so we always want to consider the impact our actions have on others.

There may be non-harmful things we still should not do for some reason, but the reason won't be because the thing is objectively bad. In that case the reason not to do the thing would relate to a simple cost-benefit analysis rather than to the thing being ethically wrong and would thus be very individualized and vary according to circumstances.

If whatever it is was a disappointment to me but not because my child did something with negative intent or to knowingly infringe on my basic rights, then it is likely my issue to manage not theirs and I will deal with it without involving them.

It is my job to help guide my child's development of morals/ethics, so I certainly want to help him understand the standard by which we believe the ethics of an action can best be measured -- the action's impact on others.

Examples:

I believe people have a right to be treated with basic respect for their inherent human worth and dignity in most cases. That means people have a right not to be demeaned and insulted. In preschool terms, that means people have a right to be talked to nicely and not with rude hurtful words. If my child says something like "You're a stupid head, I hate you" --> That is not ok in our home. The reason it is not ok is because it is rude and intended to be hurtful. I would absolutely tell them that hurt my feelings and was not an acceptable thing to say.

If my child simply wants to be held by the other parent instead, that is always ok to want (it may or may not be feasible to make happen at that specific point in time) since it isn't intentionally doing something rude or hurtful. Even if it did hurt my feelings, DS wouldn't have done anything wrong and thus my feelings are my own issue to manage without involving him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.

Wow - in what contexts did she say it. I mean, certainly it wasn't limited to "wow, when you told me my face looks ugly, larla, it hurts my feelings." but maybe more like "when you didn't give me a hug it hurts my feelings..." I really don't see anything wrong with the first, but not the second. So I am curious about what made it so difficult in your case.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, and big hugs to you. Bravo to recovering from your disease.

PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.

Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.

Different PP, but me too. I also developed an eating disorder. It took years of therapy to get over my mother's vice grip on my emotional life.

I tell my children that they have been unkind but I never interject my own feelings. I had no healthy model for doing that and I don't want to take the risk. I don't want them to feel that their day to day life is about managing my emotional needs, which is how I grew up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. He is not responsible for my feelings. I will focus on his behavior, and tell him when things are not okay or not acceptable, but I'm not going to make a child responsible for an adult's feelings.

This.

Telling your child they hurt your feelings is not about you, it is about you teaching them about acceptable and unacceptable speech and behavior.

My son is 6 and rather than directly saying he hurt my feelings I will say "how would you feel if I said/did X to you?" He gets the point.

We are not talking about 'you hurt mommy's feeling please apologize so I feel better' it is more "what you did/said was hurtful, I am going to explain to you why so you learn a valuable lesson" (the unspoken part is "it is my job to teach you this lesson b/c I want you to become a good person and I am more forgiving than anyone will ever be")

When my brother visits my DS, also known as my own personal barnacle, will often push me away. I have talked to him about this before. I have explained that why he is free to spend more time with his uncle he can't purposely treat me poorly.
He knows it is bad behavior and I don't want him to think that when a more preferred friend comes along he can be mean to a faithful companion. In this example he is free to spend his time with who he chooses as long as his behaviors is not hurtful to others.

It is our job as parents to teach them these lessons.

I did start telling my son in mid to late ES if he unintentionally said something to
hurt my feelings. He needs to know so he doesn't say something like that again to someone else. If I don't teach him, who will?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.

Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.

Just to be clear: What a lot of us are using here as examples are nowhere near the kind of emotional abuse your mother committed.

I'm sorry for what you experienced.

Exactly. People are blowing this approach out of context with their hypersensitive psychobabble.

Wow. Just wow. Someone opens up about her near fatal eating disorder and emotional abuse by her mother and you call it "hypersensitive psychobabble"? You are a terrible human being. and FWIW I think that telling a kid that she hurt your feelings when she insults you is perfectly fine.

I don't think that the PP was talking about the woman with the abusive mother.

My daughter is just over two. if she randomly says to "I dont like mommy" or "I dont like Daddy"--whatever. I will say those are "not nice" words and that can make me (or fill in the blank) sad. My daughter is failry empathetic so it means something when I say this to her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.

Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.

Just to be clear: What a lot of us are using here as examples are nowhere near the kind of emotional abuse your mother committed.

I'm sorry for what you experienced.

Exactly. People are blowing this approach out of context with their hypersensitive psychobabble.

Wow. Just wow. Someone opens up about her near fatal eating disorder and emotional abuse by her mother and you call it "hypersensitive psychobabble"? You are a terrible human being. and FWIW I think that telling a kid that she hurt your feelings when she insults you is perfectly fine.

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty non-emotional about it (I certainly would never cry or carry on about it), but I absolutely would say if something was unkind and could/did hurt my feelings (usually it is that it could, not that it actually did). For instance, if my child says, "I don't like you," I would say: that wasn't a nice thing to say. It is important that you not say things like that to people. It could hurt their feelings. I don't understand how people expect their children to develop empathy if they do not believe that other people have feelings. That is the entire basis to empathy - understanding someone else's feelings.

Exactly. Pretending you DON'T have feelings is damaging, IMO.

Anonymous wrote:I told this to my 6 year old last week after she told me that she didn't love me and she wishes I wasn't her mother ( I didn't let her have nutella and she flipped) I am 30 weeks pregnant with #3 and my hormones just got the best of me I guess. I just felt like she needed to know that those words can be hurtful and really have an impact.

I think that teaches them the power of bad words, does not teach remorse. "Well, that's too bad sweetie, because I like having you as my child. But feel free to look for another mother, let me know who agrees to take you in with your tantrums over nutella. I'll help you pack."

I am pretty non-emotional about it (I certainly would never cry or carry on about it), but I absolutely would say if something was unkind and could/did hurt my feelings (usually it is that it could, not that it actually did). For instance, if my child says, "I don't like you," I would say: that wasn't a nice thing to say. It is important that you not say things like that to people. It could hurt their feelings. I don't understand how people expect their children to develop empathy if they do not believe that other people have feelings. That is the entire basis to empathy - understanding someone else's feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.

Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.

Just to be clear: What a lot of us are using here as examples are nowhere near the kind of emotional abuse your mother committed.

I'm sorry for what you experienced.

Exactly. People are blowing this approach out of context with their hypersensitive psychobabble.

This is tricky because those who have had BAD experiences with this as a child probably had the kind of parents that did other things that made for unhealthy emotional dynamics in the hone but its kind of impossible for those who suffered in those homes as kids to tease that out- its one big mess.

If you had loving, kind, nonmanipulative stable parents that used the personal "my feelings" instead of the 3rd person "people's feelings" when teaching this lesson, my guess is it probably wasn't that big a deal or scarring.

Things like this don't happen in a bubble. If your kids are feeling responsible for your feelings and happiness then you are doing more than just saying "when you call me dumb that hurts my feelings". Just like if you are parenting in a way where the kids feel safe and stable emotionally, uttering that phrase instead of saying "words can hurt people's feelings, we don't say those things" isn't going to saddle the kid with baggage, they will learn and move on.

I told this to my 6 year old last week after she told me that she didn't love me and she wishes I wasn't her mother ( I didn't let her have nutella and she flipped) I am 30 weeks pregnant with #3 and my hormones just got the best of me I guess. I just felt like she needed to know that those words can be hurtful and really have an impact.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's definitely situational -- but I have no problem letting my kids know when something they have done has affected me. They need to learn that their words and actions have impact and subsequently, consequences.

And while I am my children's 'rock' -- I am human too and showing my frailty and foibles --- and how I handle those weakness -- is just as informative as them seeing me in my best moments.

+1

I don't see in any way how letting your children know you have feelings--and that their actions can affect those feelings--indicates that you're not their "rock" or that you won't be there for them. My mother certainly let me know when something I had said had hurt her feelings, but I never questioned whether she was there for me. How are kids supposed to know why something is "unkind" if you don't explain WHY it's unkind? The whole reason saying something mean is unkind is because it has the capacity to hurt someone. That's like telling them not to stand on the coffee table or not to touch the hot stove, but failing to tell them the reason--that they could get hurt.

+1 I can't help but think what kind of parents think that telling their kids that their feelings are hurt translates into withdrawing love and support. To me that smacks of emotional abuse more than good parenting. Why can't you be mad at someone/hurt by someone and still love them and support them? It's sad to me that some are implying that these are exclusive.