Reply to IF husband has borderline personality disorder- a death sentence for the marriage?

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Reply to "IF husband has borderline personality disorder- a death sentence for the marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Key thing for you: does he recognize something is wrong? Seeking psychiatric treatment? DBT probably good treatment and can even help healthy people in emotional regulation, so make sure you pursue that. May be worth looking at long term residency programs if you have the financial resources such as Gunderson Reisdence at McLean Hospital; long term intensive therapy can make lasting changes. Key is he has to want to change.

OP - I am so sorry.  If you don't have kids, then all the better.  You are describing my ex.  I have posted here before, and I spent years, $$$, trying to get him help, which he refused because he didn't believe he had a problem.  Or he would show up to a couple of appointments and play the sensitive nice guy and fool the therapist.  My health suffered tremendously, I saw myself becoming a person I didn't like in response to his illness and inconsistent behavior and irresponsibility.  Becoming a caretaker/parent for a spouse can set you up for a rough dynamic, especially if the spouse doesn't recognize they need help.  In my case I believe it was always there, but he was able to compensate for it until life got stressful and more difficult (recession, middle age, kids, being a grown up).

So I left him since we were at an impasse, and he said he would not stay in the marriage if it meant getting help.  My kids and I are grieving, but in a healthier environment and getting good therapy.  Ex is sponging off friends, unemployed, no car, no house, and still believes nothing is his fault or responsibility.  I agree that a marriage can be saved, and a person with BPD can function and get help, but only if they are willing to do the hard work.  He needs to get a neuropsych eval, take meds as rx'd, eat well, exercise, do some BMT.  Whatever helps.  But if he can't see that there is a problem, then I don't see much hope for your relationship.  You will lose yourself trying to save him.  [/quote]

OP here. We do have a child, and no currently my husband has decided he does NOT need help and does NOT need to get better. This is why leaving was the only option (its now been almost a month)

Before the diagnosis he had admitted to having problems but that the only REAL problem was that I should forgive him for his rages and abuse. But before THAT he was actually slightly more aware and seemed to want to improve himself but didnt know how.

So as he got more and more ridiculously toxic it just became clear that the impasse was never going to go away. In fact, I had begun to suspect that he would never improve as long as I remained with him.

My daughter and I do grieve the loss of "Daddy One", meaning the guy that has been replaced with the current version, which is agitated, edgy, looking for opportunities to be offended and wears a forced smile. Its hard to watch but we have good therapy in place and are doing the best we can.

I do hear of people with BPD coming to terms with the DX and doing what they can to manage their condition. I do not hold out hope for my soon to be ex husband because he has committed to doing it "his way" which consists of doing whatever he wants and smoking weed. :([/quote]

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