Reply to IF husband has borderline personality disorder- a death sentence for the marriage?

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Reply to "IF husband has borderline personality disorder- a death sentence for the marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous]Key thing for you: does he recognize something is wrong? Seeking psychiatric treatment? DBT probably good treatment and can even help healthy people in emotional regulation, so make sure you pursue that. May be worth looking at long term residency programs if you have the financial resources such as Gunderson Reisdence at McLean Hospital; long term intensive therapy can make lasting changes. Key is he has to want to change.

OP - I am so sorry.  If you don't have kids, then all the better.  You are describing my ex.  I have posted here before, and I spent years, $$$, trying to get him help, which he refused because he didn't believe he had a problem.  Or he would show up to a couple of appointments and play the sensitive nice guy and fool the therapist.  My health suffered tremendously, I saw myself becoming a person I didn't like in response to his illness and inconsistent behavior and irresponsibility.  Becoming a caretaker/parent for a spouse can set you up for a rough dynamic, especially if the spouse doesn't recognize they need help.  In my case I believe it was always there, but he was able to compensate for it until life got stressful and more difficult (recession, middle age, kids, being a grown up).

So I left him since we were at an impasse, and he said he would not stay in the marriage if it meant getting help.  My kids and I are grieving, but in a healthier environment and getting good therapy.  Ex is sponging off friends, unemployed, no car, no house, and still believes nothing is his fault or responsibility.  I agree that a marriage can be saved, and a person with BPD can function and get help, but only if they are willing to do the hard work.  He needs to get a neuropsych eval, take meds as rx'd, eat well, exercise, do some BMT.  Whatever helps.  But if he can't see that there is a problem, then I don't see much hope for your relationship.  You will lose yourself trying to save him.  [/quote]

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