Reply to SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would send a gift and a note that says something like "looking forward to seeing you all when you are fully recovered. It would be nice to meet for lunch when you feel up to it."

I've got enough errands and cleaning to do. I'm not heading to someone's house to help them do theirs unless they are a single parent with very little or no family in the area to help. DH needs to step up his game. That's what being a parent means. [/quote]

This is perfect.  And it is a mature, gracious, appropriate response.  NEVER EVER tell a new mother you are there to see the baby and not them.  EVER. It will reflect horribly on the person who says it. It is the new mother's house.  Don't be impossibly rude.  I know MILs that pull this crap, and believe me, the new mom never forgets how awful the MIL was, when MIL should be taking this opportunity to either help graciously, or graciously decline.  Either way, be the bigger person.  Help or don't, but don't be an a-hole. And don't look for verbal digs to a new mom - there is no excuse for rotten behavior to a new mom, especially if you have been through it.

It sounds like your SIL has few coping mechanisms, and maybe no support.  Does she have friends?  Does she have helpful family nearby (I might have missed that)?

I'll just give you an example:  We have been barked at (really) by family that thought they had it so hard; when all we wanted to do was see the baby, and would have gladly helped once there - when we saw it was wanted/needed. In this example, it was family.  They were unnecessarily rude.  It will never be forgotten.

In our own case, we had unexpected surgery, could not do stairs, or drive, as I think most new mothers are ordered.  We had no food (lost electricity in a storm, lost all self prepped meals and food, hundreds of dollars of food, and hours of prep work).  No clean water, as the county had robocalled and told us not to use the water, for anything, especially drinking or consumption.  No electricity.  Nothing.  MIL came over and acted like she resented being there, didn't want to help, only wanted bragging rights.  It was awful.  So in a way, I understand where SIL is coming from - she just didn't go about it the right way.

I also understand helpless husbands, unfortunately.  It's a pain, but the husband needs to step up.  This includes standing up to any rude people.  If not, I fully give the new mom carte blanche, based on my personal experiences.  But being pejorative in an interceptive manner?  Bad approach.

It should be a calm and peaceful time for the new mother, but SIL needs to get more of a grip.  If she really needs that much help, she needs to outsource.  If she really wants no visitors, she needs to say no visitors.

If I w3ere you, I would wait until things calm down a bit, OP.

[/quote]

The thing is, I was planning on going and helping out.  I could understand her not wanting me to hold him (even though that's what I really want to do) because it's flu season.  I get it.

However, sending all these bullshit stipulations are a huge turn off and now I don't want to help. It may be petty, but that's how I feel.[/quote]

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