Anonymous
Post 12/29/2014 00:13     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would send a gift and a note that says something like "looking forward to seeing you all when you are fully recovered. It would be nice to meet for lunch when you feel up to it."

I've got enough errands and cleaning to do. I'm not heading to someone's house to help them do theirs unless they are a single parent with very little or no family in the area to help. DH needs to step up his game. That's what being a parent means.


+1

This is perfect. And it is a mature, gracious, appropriate response. NEVER EVER tell a new mother you are there to see the baby and not them. EVER. It will reflect horribly on the person who says it. It is the new mother's house. Don't be impossibly rude. I know MILs that pull this crap, and believe me, the new mom never forgets how awful the MIL was, when MIL should be taking this opportunity to either help graciously, or graciously decline. Either way, be the bigger person. Help or don't, but don't be an a-hole. And don't look for verbal digs to a new mom - there is no excuse for rotten behavior to a new mom, especially if you have been through it.

It sounds like your SIL has few coping mechanisms, and maybe no support. Does she have friends? Does she have helpful family nearby (I might have missed that)?

I'll just give you an example: We have been barked at (really) by family that thought they had it so hard; when all we wanted to do was see the baby, and would have gladly helped once there - when we saw it was wanted/needed. In this example, it was family. They were unnecessarily rude. It will never be forgotten.

In our own case, we had unexpected surgery, could not do stairs, or drive, as I think most new mothers are ordered. We had no food (lost electricity in a storm, lost all self prepped meals and food, hundreds of dollars of food, and hours of prep work). No clean water, as the county had robocalled and told us not to use the water, for anything, especially drinking or consumption. No electricity. Nothing. MIL came over and acted like she resented being there, didn't want to help, only wanted bragging rights. It was awful. So in a way, I understand where SIL is coming from - she just didn't go about it the right way.

I also understand helpless husbands, unfortunately. It's a pain, but the husband needs to step up. This includes standing up to any rude people. If not, I fully give the new mom carte blanche, based on my personal experiences. But being pejorative in an interceptive manner? Bad approach.

It should be a calm and peaceful time for the new mother, but SIL needs to get more of a grip. If she really needs that much help, she needs to outsource. If she really wants no visitors, she needs to say no visitors.

If I w3ere you, I would wait until things calm down a bit, OP.



The thing is, I was planning on going and helping out. I could understand her not wanting me to hold him (even though that's what I really want to do) because it's flu season. I get it.

However, sending all these bullshit stipulations are a huge turn off and now I don't want to help. It may be petty, but that's how I feel.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2014 00:09     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:Unless she almost died in childbirth and her baby is seriously ill that email is gross


No.

She wanted a natural vaginal birth. She was in "more pain that most" and had to have an epidural which spiraled into an emergency c-section. The baby was and is fine. She is not coping with healing from the c-section. I had a c-section, I know it's a bitch...

Baby has a tongue tie, the world is over. She took breastfeeding classes so thought it would be easy. Things didn't pan out who she planned, and she can't deal.
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2014 00:04     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:And another thing, OP. This is just the beginning of the drama; think of this email as the opening credits. You can decide to be an active participant or watch from a safe distance or not attend the play. Choose wisely, as the first act/year is going to be an ever increasing series of emotional events and attention grabbing headlines. Believe me.

Parents like this are and will be completely flummoxed by parenthood; it is as if they have birthed the Christ child and there will be rules, standards, careful studies and research done on every aspect of babyhood. You will hear each and every detail and problem (and oh, they'll be so many problems) and they'll drone on and on about the issue of the day continually. Parenthood is their all consuming project and they are not interested in your opinions or insights.


I totally agree. This is only going to get worse. I knew it was going to be bad when you mentioned that her birth plan didn't go as she wanted it. Did she really have a difficult pregnancy?
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2014 00:04     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:Oh God I feel sort for that kid.


Sorry!
Anonymous
Post 12/29/2014 00:03     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Oh God I feel sort for that kid.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 23:56     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
And another thing, OP. This is just the beginning of the drama; think of this email as the opening credits. You can decide to be an active participant or watch from a safe distance or not attend the play. Choose wisely, as the first act/year is going to be an ever increasing series of emotional events and attention grabbing headlines. Believe me.

Parents like this are and will be completely flummoxed by parenthood; it is as if they have birthed the Christ child and there will be rules, standards, careful studies and research done on every aspect of babyhood. You will hear each and every detail and problem (and oh, they'll be so many problems) and they'll drone on and on about the issue of the day continually. Parenthood is their all consuming project and they are not interested in your opinions or insights.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 23:50     Subject: Re:SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:You don't have to go and see the mom and baby you know? I would just use the excuse that I have a cold and avoid for ever more.


This. I'd have a cold or just not feel well for a while or claim that I've yet to get my flu shot and in the meantime, send a card. Repeat as necessary.

Insufferable and demanding first time mom and I'd not be a pawn in her game. No way.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 23:26     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think the email is that crazy and I would gladly do any of those things for someone who I cared about. You are a crappy sister for posting this.


X 2.

People SHOULD have the attitude of coming over to help and serve. Not just see the baby. Unfortunately, many people do not. Clearly the mom is having issues in breastfeeding, diet, and she had a tough recovery. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks of the mother's recovery.

For me - I had a LONG bedrest, c-section recovery, and NO ONE helped with ANYTHING. No dinner, no food, no nothing. They all assumed others were doing it. I was too shy to ask for help walking my dog. Poor thing barely got exercise those weeks. In hindsight, it made things very stressful for me and DH while I was trying to get adjusted as a new mom.

If it was a mass email to a select group of family - I think her laying everything out removed any room for doubt. Good for SIL for learning the ropes quickly and laying down the law with her expectations. At least she won't be disappointed if someone comes over. If they don't come over - she is probably ready to deal with that.


+1
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 22:43     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:that email is hysterical! thanks for sharing it.

is this your husband's brother's wife? or your brother's wife?


Brothers wife.

My mom called him and asked why he wasn't helping out more. He is, they just want free maid/cooking service. He is the youngest, so also spoiled rotten.


HA! I love that your Mom called them out on it. Hope she chewed his ass too.
So her birthplan didn't work as she wanted. I'll bet the L&D nurses will be talking about this princess for many months
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 22:41     Subject: Re:SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
I see nothing wrong with the email, except the last part where it made it seem like if they don't truly cherish you, then you are chopped liver and stay away. But that's the point. They are struggling, so respect their wishes. If I had sent an email like this, it might have saved me alot of grief of having to deal with visitors too soon, and then getting mad at my husband because he put the visitors' needs ahead of mine and the baby's. Having a baby is like having a crisis. During a crisis is not the best time for you to get your jollies seeing their new baby. If the letter put you in your place, then you were out of line. If you know where you fit in, then you won't take it in a bad way.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 22:27     Subject: Re:SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
How many people did she really send this out to? All those people who say they never had help and survived just seem bitter. I had a pretty rough c-section w/ my first and no family to help us. I would help out family or a close friend. Yes, the email seems a bit over the top but she's probably very hormonal right now. I know I was right after giving birth and trying to make enough milk, etc. I would just help b/c that's what you do for loved ones.

Other people who never needed to ask b/c they have people (my mom passed away/ MIL never lifts a finger to help anyone but herself) don't know how hard it is when there's no one to help out. We had to pay someone to watch our DC#1 when I was in hospital having #2 via c-section.

Yes, I would help out just so they know they are not alone and people care about them (not just the baby).
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 22:11     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh I would love to read this and I am one who followed ped's instructons not to take baby in public for 2 months.


You have a very ignorant ped.


Really? Np but I had twins born at 33 weeks and our ped instructed us to be very cautious about taking babies out in public initially due to risk of RSV, etc. we had a sign on door asking everyone to wash hands before they touched babies that was it -- only person who had a problem with it was MIL, lol. Your SIL's email sounds ridiculous but maybe she lacks social skills?


+1 my preemie was born in flu season and we had a really long restriction, plus the RSV shot every month for 6 months. Then when we were less cautious with full term DC 2 and he got RSV --- well, dang, we feel like crap. Life long lung problems. Listen to your doctors people.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 21:59     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think the email is that crazy and I would gladly do any of those things for someone who I cared about. You are a crappy sister for posting this.


+1


Agree. Posting this is far ruder than anything in the email.


NP and I agree as well. And as for the "I didn't have any help and I sucked it up so she should too" PPs, I wonder if they think their experiences are universal in all aspects of pregnancy and parenting, or just the immediate postpartum period.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 21:51     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think the email is that crazy and I would gladly do any of those things for someone who I cared about. You are a crappy sister for posting this.


+1


Agree. Posting this is far ruder than anything in the email.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2014 21:49     Subject: SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What "chores" are so overwhelming for 2 adults and a baby? Seriously? When we had a our first, we really never created that many dishes that a run with the dishwasher couldn't handle every couple of days. As for laundry, again, there wasn't THAT much that one spouse couldn't handle it. Vacuuming and dusting? I would never ask anyone to do that. How much mess can these people accumulate that they need help?



Well when I had a newborn he hated to be put down ever and my husband was working 30 hour shifts, so...I could have used some help!


DH was a surgical resident when I had my first and a surgical fellow when I had my 2nd. He was working 80 hrs per week. You bet I needed help. I had a mix of family, friend and paid help.