Reply to Completely Lost It on my Teen DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For those of us who don't subscribe to an authoritarian parenting style, it really is hard to understand the need to demand "respect." As adults, don't we have enough self-respect that we don't need tribute from our children for our self-esteem?

Of course teens can be grating and that can make parents sad. They're supposed to be pushing off to find their own way. It is not as if there isn't plenty of research on child/teen development and the dynamics behind how the parent-child relationship changes. In exchange for suffering the teenage years, we get to have an interesting adult relationship with them.

My goal is for DC to become a happy, well-adjusted adult with good moral judgment. Simply demanding compliance to parental demands doesn't do much to build ethical thinking, since you can't rely on someone else to tell you what to do as an adult.

And to further the parenting culture wars, I doubt a passive or compliant child is going to have the ambition or wherewithal to become a real high achiever. It's how you produce binge-drinking frat boys/sorority girls at third tier colleges and future sales reps.[/quote]

I think you're setting up a false choice.  According to you, it's either "authoritarian parents with docile, compliant child" or "kids who do what they want but are ambitious and have spunk".  Not buying that that's the choice.  I was definitely a strong-willed, ambitious kid (and a very high achiever, if I do say so myself), but my parents absolutely required that I treat them with respect.  Not fealty.  I definitely argued with them, and disagreed with them.  But I almost never broke their rules (which were reasonable rules) and knew for sure I'd be punished if I did.  And I would have known for sure that if I yelled at either of them like that and used the F word, there would be big consequences for me.  (I'd lose some privilege I cared about.)  
I definitely don't buy the "just be smart -- don't do drugs in school" lesson.  That sets the bar so low.  I think it has to be more "here are our standards.  I'll still love you if you break the rules, but there will be consequences and I'll be disappointed and I expect better from you."  I cared a lot about living up to my parents' expectations, because I truly respected them.  Still do. [/quote]

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