Reply to Completely Lost It on my Teen DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You know, I've raised 4 fairly respectful kids, who are now productive and loving adults. I learned a few things along the way:  your goal is functioning independent adults. 
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

You have to let the kids fail. It really won't ruin their lives, especially when they're a young teen, and then they just might respect you a bit more.

Don't condescend to them. It's rude, and you will get it back in spades.

And couch a lot of your statements about their rudeness in simple terms:  sorry, all that yelling leaves me too tired to do---whatever it is that they want you to do.  I'm sorry, but until you take care of what you have--i.e keep your room clean, wash the dishes, whatever---you can't have any more. [/quote]

My mom was pretty awesome with me when I was a teen.  If I wanted her to do something but was being a snot, she'd just say, "I don't really feel like going out of my way to do a favor for someone who isn't being nice to me."  When I screamed, "I hate you!" she said, "Well, I don't like you very much right now, either.  But I still love you."  When I failed to put away my clean clothes, she stopped doing my laundry, on the grounds that she didn't like wasting her time washing clothes that were going to be piled on the floor.  When I wasn't honest about where I was going or who would be there, I didn't get to go out for a while.  She was tough and she took no crap from me.  But, she was also funny and warm and loving, and when I was kind and respectful to her, she returned it in spades.  She didn't hold grudges, she didn't do anything for the purpose of "imposing her authority."  The point was always to help me recognize the effects of my actions on others and to treat people (including her) with respect.  And to own the consequences of my decisions.  So even when I "hated" her, I respected her for treating me like a grownup and not being either a doormat or vindictive, and I respected the principles she was standing up for.

My lesson from that was not to make things into power struggles.  It's not about who's in charge, or who has authority or control.  It's about treating each other with respect--treat your teen with respect (which includes not rescuing her from the consequences of her choices) and insisting that she do the same to you.  [/quote]

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