Reply to Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Some men show love by helping their wives with chores etc.   My DH is a lot like this. He has a ton of interests that are different from mine and after the birth of our kids he would go out of his way to do chores around the house.  Intimacy did suffer after the kids were born - but thankfully we had had a number of years together without kids first.  We made sure that we were on track sexually and that kept our marriage alive.

There are three things you need to do - 1) appreciate your husband for what he does and allow him the space for his interests,  2) surround yourself with a circle of girlfriends that can provide you with companionship and 3) make sure that you and DH are connecting sexually.

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Thanks for this.  OP here.  I do know there is love in what he does, especially things like the lunches.  These are things we sort of do for each other -- he's bad about money, so I pay the bills and keep on top of his checking account, etc., because it's just not his forte.  I'm bad about nutrition, so when I was pregnant he started making me lunches to make sure that I was eating protein, vegetables, etc.  He kept it up when I was nursing.  There is a LOT of love in the gesture, I know that, I do.

Until recently, I was pretty effusive with thanks for this stuff, even though I'm not asking for it, because I told myself that it was love.  I've read the 5 Love Languages book and I kept telling myself that this is just his way of showing love.  I think lately, though, the complete lack of a connection between us, despite all of these caretaking gestures, is making it hard for me to express appreciation.

I do have to work on building that circle of girlfriends so I'm not depending on him for most of my companionship needs.  But shouldn't a spouse provide SOME companionship, at least on a daily existence-in-the-same-home basis?  How else do you and your husband keep your marriage alive?[/quote]

[b]It is difficult for you, but try and find out how he wants you to show him love.[/b]  Your unhappiness may make him feel like a failure.  He is showing you love the way he knows how, but your unhappiness may make him feel that you do not love him.

How does he want to be loved? Maybe take a leaf from his book.  How about getting him some nice headphones so that he can listen to his podcasts?  You can gently coax him to a middle ground where both your needs are served, but you have to be very patient in how you go about achieving it.  I think it will be worth the effort.

Another thing is that do not underestimate how isolating and exhausting having a baby is. This is the toughest period of your life, but things will improve as the baby grows up.  So, a lot of your unhappiness may be amplified just because you have a small baby.

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I just don't have the same sympathy for OPs husband.  In a marriage, you owe your partners sex and intimacy.  If you aren't in the mood to give it, then you owe your partner an explanation as to what you need to give that.  Sitting in the garden, listening to podcasts, turning down invitations for sex, is emotional violence to your spouse.  If he needs something else to feel whatever he needs to feel to desire his wife, he needs to voice it.  If he, or any spouse, isn't in a position to offer sex with his spouse, he owes it to her to let her seek it outside the marriage.

I feel for you OP.[/quote]

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