Anonymous
08/28/2014 18:16
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
If you want a quick/easy starting point, I would consider suggesting to him that you BOTH read/re-read the 5 love languages.
Give yourselves a deadline (1-2 weeks).
Then discuss. Make sure you talk about what your love language is and give him a chance to talk about his. Have a productive discussion about what you feel he can give you to help fill up your love tank. Offer the same to him -- what can you do so he feels more loved.
If this resolves your problem, GREAT. If it doesn't, I think you'll have crossed a lot off your list of possibilities. If the problems persist after this attempt, I think you are looking at someone who doesn't see any need to change his behavior in the relationship. This may stem from some sort of past trauma, being gay, or from the fact that he is having an affair/porn addition/internet addiction. Once you're at this point, you'll know what isn't the problem and be able to decide what you want to do to try to face the bigger problem -- counseling, leaving, or just living with it.
Give yourselves a deadline (1-2 weeks).
Then discuss. Make sure you talk about what your love language is and give him a chance to talk about his. Have a productive discussion about what you feel he can give you to help fill up your love tank. Offer the same to him -- what can you do so he feels more loved.
If this resolves your problem, GREAT. If it doesn't, I think you'll have crossed a lot off your list of possibilities. If the problems persist after this attempt, I think you are looking at someone who doesn't see any need to change his behavior in the relationship. This may stem from some sort of past trauma, being gay, or from the fact that he is having an affair/porn addition/internet addiction. Once you're at this point, you'll know what isn't the problem and be able to decide what you want to do to try to face the bigger problem -- counseling, leaving, or just living with it.
Anonymous
08/22/2014 06:55
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
I really do feel for you. It's difficult to be so lonely in a marriage. I can't relate to having a husband willing to do so much, but I can relate to being lonely.
I'd also vote for counseling. It sounds like this situation will not resolve itself and you will be relegated to being room-mates and coparents.
You both sound like you have a lot to offer. I suspect that you can really improve things if you are both willing. I think that he may react with anger at first, and you'll have to be strong to deal with that.
My last thought is that he may have some sort of addiction. He sounds like he uses the garden and other tasks to isolate himself. i realize that this is a bit of an extreme thought -- but is it possible that when he stays up late, he looks at a lot of porn or something? Or drinks? His anger, isolation, and inflexibility sound just like an addict -- or even the behavior of an adult raised by alcoholics or addicts.
Anyway, you sound like a nice person, and I wish you well. Ignore the addict stuff if I am totally off base. I just wanted to throw out something that I know because of my own addictions.
I'd also vote for counseling. It sounds like this situation will not resolve itself and you will be relegated to being room-mates and coparents.
You both sound like you have a lot to offer. I suspect that you can really improve things if you are both willing. I think that he may react with anger at first, and you'll have to be strong to deal with that.
My last thought is that he may have some sort of addiction. He sounds like he uses the garden and other tasks to isolate himself. i realize that this is a bit of an extreme thought -- but is it possible that when he stays up late, he looks at a lot of porn or something? Or drinks? His anger, isolation, and inflexibility sound just like an addict -- or even the behavior of an adult raised by alcoholics or addicts.
Anyway, you sound like a nice person, and I wish you well. Ignore the addict stuff if I am totally off base. I just wanted to throw out something that I know because of my own addictions.
Anonymous
08/22/2014 06:19
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
This is an exact posting I read on another advice forum...except of course DCUrban was replaced with another forum name.
Anonymous
08/21/2014 17:21
Subject: Re:Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This sounds very much like my husband minus podcast and the anger. He does things becuase he can't help with nursing at night so he sympathizes my lack of sleep. Your husband may be resentful that you are not picking up to do anything. I found out the only way I would spend time with my husband is if I start doing the things he is doing, like garden with him. If he says to you, "don't do this with me," then you should see a counselor.
I meant that both of you should see a marriage counselor.
Also, I was wondering if you have postpartum depression. Your depression and loneliness may stem from that
Anonymous
08/21/2014 17:19
Subject: Re:Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:This sounds very much like my husband minus podcast and the anger. He does things becuase he can't help with nursing at night so he sympathizes my lack of sleep. Your husband may be resentful that you are not picking up to do anything. I found out the only way I would spend time with my husband is if I start doing the things he is doing, like garden with him. If he says to you, "don't do this with me," then you should see a counselor.
I meant that both of you should see a marriage counselor.
Anonymous
08/21/2014 17:18
Subject: Re:Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
This sounds very much like my husband minus podcast and the anger. He does things becuase he can't help with nursing at night so he sympathizes my lack of sleep. Your husband may be resentful that you are not picking up to do anything. I found out the only way I would spend time with my husband is if I start doing the things he is doing, like garden with him. If he says to you, "don't do this with me," then you should see a counselor.
Anonymous
08/21/2014 15:37
Subject: Re:Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Hmmm this is tough. I think you may want to consider individual therapy to help you work out your feelings and responses if DH is not willing to do joint counseling. While you can't control his actions, you can control your responses and figure out how you want to set boundaries. I tend to need a lot of solitary time and when I am stressed out from work it is worse and to top it off I probably have ADD. Howver in my case my DH tends to be the doer. I guess we both had to work with each other for me to set aside time in the evenings for him and for him to not always be on the go and take the kids with him sometimes suring the day.
Some of the things that help. When we see articles about successful marriages or hear WTOP stories we discuss it with each other/forward the article. These tend to be general discussions and if there is something applicable to us we may talk thru it but not in a way that is accusatory but more of a look in the mirror and what are your own perceptions of your actions and how it impacts your partner. I changed my actions to go to bed the same time as DH a few times a week because I realized the different bedtimes makes intimacy difficult. Dh also moved his bedtime a little later so we had some time after the kids went to bed. I also had to figure out how I could fit in my unwind down time before bed and maybe get up earlier after he has gone to work/before kids are up for me time. If your DH can't come to conclusions on his own, directly ask what it would take to have one hour maybe 3 times a week with no podcasts in the evening when you watch a show together and talk about the day. If there is a task like cleaning that can be outsourced, see if he would agree to that. Or see if there can be a shift in schedule, like more meal prep/make ahead meals on Sunday or if you can take on making crock pot meals and reheat leftovers and he agrees that frees him up Monday nights. He should definitely be part of coming up with solutions but you should have some options for him to consider. If this is a case of his mind running and excess energy, would an outlet like working out for an hour help, or look at medication, or consider a natural sleep aid like Melatonin? Also make sure he has regular time with the baby when you have time to do errands, see friends, and time to yourself. It may be difficult to do things all together as a family but there should be regular time for him and the baby, you and the baby, and you and DH.
Good luck.
Some of the things that help. When we see articles about successful marriages or hear WTOP stories we discuss it with each other/forward the article. These tend to be general discussions and if there is something applicable to us we may talk thru it but not in a way that is accusatory but more of a look in the mirror and what are your own perceptions of your actions and how it impacts your partner. I changed my actions to go to bed the same time as DH a few times a week because I realized the different bedtimes makes intimacy difficult. Dh also moved his bedtime a little later so we had some time after the kids went to bed. I also had to figure out how I could fit in my unwind down time before bed and maybe get up earlier after he has gone to work/before kids are up for me time. If your DH can't come to conclusions on his own, directly ask what it would take to have one hour maybe 3 times a week with no podcasts in the evening when you watch a show together and talk about the day. If there is a task like cleaning that can be outsourced, see if he would agree to that. Or see if there can be a shift in schedule, like more meal prep/make ahead meals on Sunday or if you can take on making crock pot meals and reheat leftovers and he agrees that frees him up Monday nights. He should definitely be part of coming up with solutions but you should have some options for him to consider. If this is a case of his mind running and excess energy, would an outlet like working out for an hour help, or look at medication, or consider a natural sleep aid like Melatonin? Also make sure he has regular time with the baby when you have time to do errands, see friends, and time to yourself. It may be difficult to do things all together as a family but there should be regular time for him and the baby, you and the baby, and you and DH.
Good luck.
Anonymous
08/21/2014 14:46
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Is this real??
Anonymous
08/21/2014 09:11
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This sounds so difficult. Any chance you could show him your post? It expresses how you're feeling so well.
Go to hell, and out of your shell of hypocrisy. Nothing will get better unless you take a deep look at things from the perspective of others. It's women like you that propagate the thought that only men do things harmful in a relationship. Again, if the roles were reversed, all hell would break loose. You'd probably say that the man is lazy, and the reason all this happens is clear: by being compelled to do "ALL" the housework, of course there wouldn't be any intimacy. yada, yada, yada.
Pull your head out of your ass. Honestly do women a favor and give some honest, true, advice. Two sides to a story. Stop sympathizing at all costs solely because the OP has the same gender as you. In the end, it is an obvious display of self-bolstering/protection/what-have-you that you are doing, isn't it?
Heh?
Anonymous
08/21/2014 09:04
Subject: Re:Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
I disagree with the DH-sympathizer, whose posts seem a bit over the top. I dated someone like this for years. Like others have said, it doesn't matter what the hobby is, if it wasn't gardening, it would be something else. My ex's hobbies ran the gamut. At first he was hyper-focused on me, but then he'd become hyper-focused on a new hobby to the exclusion of all else. For a time it was building model cars then learning a foreign language then photography. It was incredibly lonely being in a relationship with someone like that, so I feel for you, OP. I hope you're able to forge a new path, with or without your DH. Good luck.
Anonymous
08/21/2014 08:54
Subject: Re:Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some men show love by helping their wives with chores etc. My DH is a lot like this. He has a ton of interests that are different from mine and after the birth of our kids he would go out of his way to do chores around the house. Intimacy did suffer after the kids were born - but thankfully we had had a number of years together without kids first. We made sure that we were on track sexually and that kept our marriage alive.
There are three things you need to do - 1) appreciate your husband for what he does and allow him the space for his interests, 2) surround yourself with a circle of girlfriends that can provide you with companionship and 3) make sure that you and DH are connecting sexually.
Thanks for this. OP here. I do know there is love in what he does, especially things like the lunches. These are things we sort of do for each other -- he's bad about money, so I pay the bills and keep on top of his checking account, etc., because it's just not his forte. I'm bad about nutrition, so when I was pregnant he started making me lunches to make sure that I was eating protein, vegetables, etc. He kept it up when I was nursing. There is a LOT of love in the gesture, I know that, I do.
Until recently, I was pretty effusive with thanks for this stuff, even though I'm not asking for it, because I told myself that it was love. I've read the 5 Love Languages book and I kept telling myself that this is just his way of showing love. I think lately, though, the complete lack of a connection between us, despite all of these caretaking gestures, is making it hard for me to express appreciation.
I do have to work on building that circle of girlfriends so I'm not depending on him for most of my companionship needs. But shouldn't a spouse provide SOME companionship, at least on a daily existence-in-the-same-home basis? How else do you and your husband keep your marriage alive?
It is difficult for you, but try and find out how he wants you to show him love. Your unhappiness may make him feel like a failure. He is showing you love the way he knows how, but your unhappiness may make him feel that you do not love him.
How does he want to be loved? Maybe take a leaf from his book. How about getting him some nice headphones so that he can listen to his podcasts? You can gently coax him to a middle ground where both your needs are served, but you have to be very patient in how you go about achieving it. I think it will be worth the effort.
Another thing is that do not underestimate how isolating and exhausting having a baby is. This is the toughest period of your life, but things will improve as the baby grows up. So, a lot of your unhappiness may be amplified just because you have a small baby.
I just don't have the same sympathy for OPs husband. In a marriage, you owe your partners sex and intimacy. If you aren't in the mood to give it, then you owe your partner an explanation as to what you need to give that. Sitting in the garden, listening to podcasts, turning down invitations for sex, is emotional violence to your spouse. If he needs something else to feel whatever he needs to feel to desire his wife, he needs to voice it. If he, or any spouse, isn't in a position to offer sex with his spouse, he owes it to her to let her seek it outside the marriage.
I feel for you OP.
Anonymous
08/21/2014 00:15
Subject: Re:Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some men show love by helping their wives with chores etc. My DH is a lot like this. He has a ton of interests that are different from mine and after the birth of our kids he would go out of his way to do chores around the house. Intimacy did suffer after the kids were born - but thankfully we had had a number of years together without kids first. We made sure that we were on track sexually and that kept our marriage alive.
There are three things you need to do - 1) appreciate your husband for what he does and allow him the space for his interests, 2) surround yourself with a circle of girlfriends that can provide you with companionship and 3) make sure that you and DH are connecting sexually.
Thanks for this. OP here. I do know there is love in what he does, especially things like the lunches. These are things we sort of do for each other -- he's bad about money, so I pay the bills and keep on top of his checking account, etc., because it's just not his forte. I'm bad about nutrition, so when I was pregnant he started making me lunches to make sure that I was eating protein, vegetables, etc. He kept it up when I was nursing. There is a LOT of love in the gesture, I know that, I do.
Until recently, I was pretty effusive with thanks for this stuff, even though I'm not asking for it, because I told myself that it was love. I've read the 5 Love Languages book and I kept telling myself that this is just his way of showing love. I think lately, though, the complete lack of a connection between us, despite all of these caretaking gestures, is making it hard for me to express appreciation.
I do have to work on building that circle of girlfriends so I'm not depending on him for most of my companionship needs. But shouldn't a spouse provide SOME companionship, at least on a daily existence-in-the-same-home basis? How else do you and your husband keep your marriage alive?
It is difficult for you, but try and find out how he wants you to show him love. Your unhappiness may make him feel like a failure. He is showing you love the way he knows how, but your unhappiness may make him feel that you do not love him.
How does he want to be loved? Maybe take a leaf from his book. How about getting him some nice headphones so that he can listen to his podcasts? You can gently coax him to a middle ground where both your needs are served, but you have to be very patient in how you go about achieving it. I think it will be worth the effort.
Another thing is that do not underestimate how isolating and exhausting having a baby is. This is the toughest period of your life, but things will improve as the baby grows up. So, a lot of your unhappiness may be amplified just because you have a small baby.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 23:58
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This sounds so difficult. Any chance you could show him your post? It expresses how you're feeling so well.
Go to hell, and out of your shell of hypocrisy. Nothing will get better unless you take a deep look at things from the perspective of others. It's women like you that propagate the thought that only men do things harmful in a relationship. Again, if the roles were reversed, all hell would break loose. You'd probably say that the man is lazy, and the reason all this happens is clear: by being compelled to do "ALL" the housework, of course there wouldn't be any intimacy. yada, yada, yada.
Pull your head out of your ass. Honestly do women a favor and give some honest, true, advice. Two sides to a story. Stop sympathizing at all costs solely because the OP has the same gender as you. In the end, it is an obvious display of self-bolstering/protection/what-have-you that you are doing, isn't it?
You can stop now - you have made your point a few times!
Anonymous
08/20/2014 23:22
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:Here's one I don't see on DCUM very much -- my husband is SO devoted to household cleaning, organizing, gardening, etc. that we spend absolutely no time together, either as a couple or with our toddler. I feel like a complete heel for complaining, and he jumps on me with anger and exasperation when I bring up how I want to spend time together, saying, "WOMEN! See? Look how hard I work and NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH!"
He spends a lot of time keeping up a large organic garden, which he started so the baby would have organic food, which he then cooked and pureed himself. When I was busy nursing and pumping milk for our preemie and later infant, he took 95% responsibility for cleaning bottles and pump parts. The more I took care of the baby, the more he stepped up to do household chores, which previously were 50/50. Ideal situation, right? How could I dare complain?
But when he is doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, or basically doing anything except being in front of the TV or eating with our toddler (the one time when we can try to have a conversation), he has headphones on, listening to podcasts. We can't just be in a room together and have a conversation, because the headphones are always on. If I try to say something, he gets annoyed, has to pause his podcast, take off his headphones, and glares at me. It's not as simple as having me take back some of the tasks he's doing, as he has developed "systems" around doing them and wants to get them done himself, plus he says he looks forward to listening to his podcasts. There are some things he would be happy for me to do more of, like laundry, but taking more work off his plate doesn't get him to spend more time with me -- if he's not inside doing chores, he's out in the garden until the sun is all the way down.
I am so lonely and depressed. He's sometimes frustrated with me because he comes inside from hours of gardening after the baby is asleep and I'm sitting on the couch reading DCUM. And I'd be pissed, too, working so much and seeing my wife just hanging out on her phone. It's just SO FUCKING LONELY. At least on Facebook or DCUM there's an approximation of contact with other human beings. I know I would feel better if I was doing more myself. I am just stuck deep in this mire of loneliness and depression. I feel like I am completely trapped in my house, in my life, and the person who is supposed to be my companion wants nothing to do with me. We live out in the exurbs, not close to a friend that I could just pop out for 30 minutes to see...it would be a 30 minute drive to get anywhere, so I feel so isolated and alone. I find myself turning to my toddler for affection and company, which is not a healthy dynamic. I just don't know what to do. We've been married a really short time (pregnant on honeymoon) and it feels insane to say I feel like my marriage is falling apart because my husband is TOO good around the house.
Last night, he was out in the yard for a long time after dark, and I couldn't figure out what on earth he was doing out there. When I got to put the baby in the car this morning to go to work, I found that he had cleaned the whole car, top to bottom, inside. It had been a disaster and it now looks great. And I just burst into tears. I would so much rather have had a half hour talking to my husband than have a clean car. Or we could have cleaned it together while actually talking about something. But he really has no interest whatsoever in connecting with me, and the more he does without me, the worse it feels.
I just don't know what to do.
Maybe he is escaping you because you have some underlying tendency to convey your discontent to him. You say you are depressed and lonely. You therefore do not sound happy. See the snowball happening here?? Why would he want to spend time with you? Unfortunately, since we can't get the DH's side of things, you have to ask yourself the hard questions. Why couldn't you hang out with him or help? Why didn't you seek him out?
Basically something doesnt add up here. Not that I need an explanation, I am just telling you that things work both ways more than we think. Rarely are things overwhelmingly one sided when you look at all the facts.
Anonymous
08/20/2014 23:15
Subject: Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband
Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This sounds so difficult. Any chance you could show him your post? It expresses how you're feeling so well.
Go to hell, and out of your shell of hypocrisy. Nothing will get better unless you take a deep look at things from the perspective of others. It's women like you that propagate the thought that only men do things harmful in a relationship. Again, if the roles were reversed, all hell would break loose. You'd probably say that the man is lazy, and the reason all this happens is clear: by being compelled to do "ALL" the housework, of course there wouldn't be any intimacy. yada, yada, yada.
Pull your head out of your ass. Honestly do women a favor and give some honest, true, advice. Two sides to a story. Stop sympathizing at all costs solely because the OP has the same gender as you. In the end, it is an obvious display of self-bolstering/protection/what-have-you that you are doing, isn't it?