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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's one I don't see on DCUM very much -- my husband is SO devoted to household cleaning, organizing, gardening, etc. that we spend absolutely no time together, either as a couple or with our toddler.  I feel like a complete heel for complaining, and he jumps on me with anger and exasperation when I bring up how I want to spend time together, saying, "WOMEN!  See?  Look how hard I work and NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH!"

He spends a lot of time keeping up a large organic garden, which he started so the baby would have organic food, which he then cooked and pureed himself.  When I was busy nursing and pumping milk for our preemie and later infant, he took 95% responsibility for cleaning bottles and pump parts.  The more I took care of the baby, the more he stepped up to do household chores, which previously were 50/50.  Ideal situation, right?  How could I dare complain?

But when he is doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, or basically doing anything except being in front of the TV or eating with our toddler (the one time when we can try to have a conversation), he has headphones on, listening to podcasts.  We can't just be in a room together and have a conversation, because the headphones are always on.  If I try to say something, he gets annoyed, has to pause his podcast, take off his headphones, and glares at me.   It's not as simple as having me take back some of the tasks he's doing, as he has developed "systems" around doing them and wants to get them done himself, plus he says he looks forward to listening to his podcasts.  There are some things he would be happy for me to do more of, like laundry, but taking more work off his plate doesn't get him to spend more time with me -- if he's not inside doing chores, he's out in the garden until the sun is all the way down.

I am so lonely and depressed.  He's sometimes frustrated with me because he comes inside from hours of gardening after the baby is asleep and I'm sitting on the couch reading DCUM.  And I'd be pissed, too, working so much and seeing my wife just hanging out on her phone.  It's just SO FUCKING LONELY.  At least on Facebook or DCUM there's an approximation of contact with other human beings.  I know I would feel better if I was doing more myself.  I am just stuck deep in this mire of loneliness and depression.  I feel like I am completely trapped in my house, in my life, and the person who is supposed to be my companion wants nothing to do with me.  We live out in the exurbs, not close to a friend that I could just pop out for 30 minutes to see...it would be a 30 minute drive to get anywhere, so I feel so isolated and alone.  I find myself turning to my toddler for affection and company, which is not a healthy dynamic.  I just don't know what to do.  We've been married a really short time (pregnant on honeymoon) and it feels insane to say I feel like my marriage is falling apart because my husband is TOO good around the house.

Last night, he was out in the yard for a long time after dark, and I couldn't figure out what on earth he was doing out there.  When I got to put the baby in the car this morning to go to work, I found that he had cleaned the whole car, top to bottom, inside.  It had been a disaster and it now looks great.  And I just burst into tears.  I would so much rather have had a half hour talking to my husband than have a clean car.  Or we could have cleaned it together while actually talking about something.  But he really has no interest whatsoever in connecting with me, and the more he does without me, the worse it feels.

I just don't know what to do.  [/quote]

Maybe he is escaping you because you have some underlying tendency to convey your discontent to him.  You say you are depressed and lonely.  You therefore do not sound happy.  See the snowball happening here??  Why would he want to spend time with you?  Unfortunately, since we can't get the DH's side of things, you have to ask yourself the hard questions.  Why couldn't you hang out with him or help?  Why didn't you seek him out?

Basically something doesnt add up here.  Not that I need an explanation, I am just telling you that things work both ways more than we think.  Rarely are things overwhelmingly one sided when you look at all the facts.[/quote]

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