Reply to When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

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Reply to "When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Honestly, tell her it's gotten to this point. If my husband came to me and said this and was DEAD SERIOUS I would realize I had three options:

Figure out how to enjoy sex again and have it more 
Allow my husband a physical affair with the caveat he does everything in his power to not let it get emotional 
Understand that is pretty unlikely to happen without him eventually realizing he could be happy with someone else and chooses to divorce me, and just not waste the time and go ahead and agree to an amicable divorce.

Really, those are her three options. She can choose which she can live with and you can go with that since it sounds like at this point any of the three would work for you. But give we the courtesy of knowing you have reached this point so she can do some work and figure out how to handle it. You owe her that. [/quote]

This.  I'm in a situation where many of my female friends have initiated the divorce.  In all the case the spouses were shocked that things were that bad despite my friends saying they had numerous conversations for years about the issues with no changes.  I've told DH that if the words "we need to go to counseling" comes out of my mouth that's a big hint that we need to address the issue or we are heading for divorce.  I would not throw that out there for the heck of it. Vice versa, I hope he would give me the courtesy to let me know he wants to work things out with a 3rd party helping us so I know both that there is still hope and his preference is to work things out but it's at the level of priority that if either I refuse to go to counseling or despite best efforts we can't get it together then it's not really fair to either of us to stay in the marriage.  I think at a minimum, if the counseling doesn't work, it would help us realize we really aren't a good match to stay married for whatever reason and there would be no hard feelings.

If my DH cheated, there would be a lot of hard feelings.  As someone else mentioned, even though the sex is infrequent, you are still having sex. So whatever you are doing with other people can be brought back to your wife.  If you or the other person in the affair gets emtionally involved things can get even messier.  What if the mistress ends up pregnant?  I'm married and the one time I said to DH what the heck and didn't use protection sure as sh$$ I ended up pregnant.  I was a result of an unplanned pregnancy - thankfully both my parents were dating only each other at the time.  You are trying to rationalize cheating as your wife wouldn't want to know but it is selfish not to give her the courtesy of deciding how she wants to handle things.  What you see as an ultimatum, I see as part of communicating.  It's all I the delivery.[/quote]

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