Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 22:23     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
There is really no point to discuss this with "let them eat cake" types.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 22:22     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.


I feel for you. I went through this, exactly. You sound like a good man as does OP so here is some advice that has worked for me.

I had the talk with DW, told her I was deeply unhappy. I didn't threaten divorce but I did tell her that I the lack of sex made me question whether our marriage would survive or that if it did, I would need to have some other sexual outlet. She was floored, she cried, we fought, it escalated, but when the emotions calmed down, she told me that she would much rather I just fuck her whether she was in the mood or not. She really wanted me to, not because she wanted to get fucked, but she would rather endure a fuck than endure a divorce.

I was hesitant. It wasn't ideal, it did feel sort of rapey. But I took her at her word and in a perverse (no pun intended) way, I thought I owed it to her to try her suggestion rather than be miserable and/or cheat and divorce.

So it's been about a year, and I will tell you things are better. We have way more sex, which puts me in a better mood, more romantic and has me happily contribute more around the house which puts her in a mood more often. And once we start, usually she will get into it, and if she isn't, I try to finish quickly.

It's not ideal but we are in a better spot. Bottom line, you need to have sex with your spouse. See if she would be willing to humor you and see if that starts a better spiral. What do you have to lose?
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 22:06     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:The other alternative is to do the right thing and be honest with her. Tell her you are unhappy with being sexually out of sync, can't take it any more, and want to go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship with another similarly married discreet partner.

Those are really the only two options for someone with integrity - open the marriage, or if she's not up for that, divorce. Cheating. lying, deceit, and putting time and energy to nurture your extramarital sex life, rather than your marriage, is never really going to "help" the marriage. Chances are it will come out eventually and destroy your kids' home anyway. Ask my STBX. That's how it played out in our home.


Or how about jerking off? Not rocket science.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 21:02     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.


OP here. Interesting on the BC angle. I have mentioned getting snipped so she can get off BC. She actually has been against it, doesn't want to forclose us having more kids. Which, in retrospect, shows that she really is in la-la land thinking our marriage is going to last.

Thanks for all the good suggestions.


OP, you are a true ass. If you aren't going to treat her with respect and be actively engaged and follow your marriage vows, do your wife a favor and leave. Why drag her through an affair and divorce when it is going to lead to divorce anyway. You are looking for someone to say it was a great idea, worked out great, wife was ok with it.
In terms of being a dad. My dad cheated on my mom 10 years ago for several years. My husband and I suspected it but had no proof (I would have told my mom). We think it went on longer than that. She tried to work things out after a separation and he kept cheating. At that point, I was the one who pushed her to put him out again (I didn't support her taking him back as it went against everything they taught me). I was very close to both my parents and with all the drama, now I don't feel close to either one. You will hurt your kids more by cheating and divorcing rather than just divorcing. My mom was miserable and took it out on me, which caused a rift. She is now much happier with her new boyfriend and it has worked out well for her. My dad is still having his flings and really regrets leaving my mom (she'd never take him back and he'd never stop cheating). He is very lonely while she isn't. Our relationship is very superficial now. I hate to admit it but I lost part of the closeness out of lack of respect for him. He has completely changed from the dad I grew up with who was very attentive and put our family first. It makes me sad that I basically lost part of both my parents - not because of the separation so much as the affairs. My dad, like you, justified it due to the lack of sex (just what a grown child needs to hear) and continues to even though much of the lack was due to his behaviors and health issues.

Just divorce your wife. Give her the good car, house and kids. Make sure she is set up well financially, including college for the kids and retirement... let her move on with her life. You have your fun and see how life isn't greener on the other side. Don't think your kids will not know. Don't think that it will not alter a part of the respect your kids have for you.

Would you be ok if your daughter's husband had affairs on her? Would you be ok with him having sex with someone, not telling her and her catching some disease that could kill her.

You don't deserve your wife. Get a divorce, then move on.


It seems that you blame your own unhappiness on your father, even though all your evidence is just a belief.


I'm not unhappy at all. My dad is the unhappy one. Mom is upset over the cheating but much happier overall now. It makes me sad that my relationships with my parents are not as strong as they were but they do not see it that way. There is evidence of the affairs. I found some of it, mom and sister found others of it. Don't kid yourself to think you will not get caught. I disapprove of my dad's lies with relationships so its hard having a real conversation with him as you can tell he's not always telling the truth to try to make himself look good now.


So you would prefer that your parents had divorced? In that case, you were likely not going to be close to your father either, if you remembered him at all. Moreover, if your mother remarried, your life would be bad if the stepfather turned out to be bad.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 20:31     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.


OP here. Interesting on the BC angle. I have mentioned getting snipped so she can get off BC. She actually has been against it, doesn't want to forclose us having more kids. Which, in retrospect, shows that she really is in la-la land thinking our marriage is going to last.

Thanks for all the good suggestions.


OP, you are a true ass. If you aren't going to treat her with respect and be actively engaged and follow your marriage vows, do your wife a favor and leave. Why drag her through an affair and divorce when it is going to lead to divorce anyway. You are looking for someone to say it was a great idea, worked out great, wife was ok with it.
In terms of being a dad. My dad cheated on my mom 10 years ago for several years. My husband and I suspected it but had no proof (I would have told my mom). We think it went on longer than that. She tried to work things out after a separation and he kept cheating. At that point, I was the one who pushed her to put him out again (I didn't support her taking him back as it went against everything they taught me). I was very close to both my parents and with all the drama, now I don't feel close to either one. You will hurt your kids more by cheating and divorcing rather than just divorcing. My mom was miserable and took it out on me, which caused a rift. She is now much happier with her new boyfriend and it has worked out well for her. My dad is still having his flings and really regrets leaving my mom (she'd never take him back and he'd never stop cheating). He is very lonely while she isn't. Our relationship is very superficial now. I hate to admit it but I lost part of the closeness out of lack of respect for him. He has completely changed from the dad I grew up with who was very attentive and put our family first. It makes me sad that I basically lost part of both my parents - not because of the separation so much as the affairs. My dad, like you, justified it due to the lack of sex (just what a grown child needs to hear) and continues to even though much of the lack was due to his behaviors and health issues.

Just divorce your wife. Give her the good car, house and kids. Make sure she is set up well financially, including college for the kids and retirement... let her move on with her life. You have your fun and see how life isn't greener on the other side. Don't think your kids will not know. Don't think that it will not alter a part of the respect your kids have for you.

Would you be ok if your daughter's husband had affairs on her? Would you be ok with him having sex with someone, not telling her and her catching some disease that could kill her.

You don't deserve your wife. Get a divorce, then move on.


It seems that you blame your own unhappiness on your father, even though all your evidence is just a belief.


I'm not unhappy at all. My dad is the unhappy one. Mom is upset over the cheating but much happier overall now. It makes me sad that my relationships with my parents are not as strong as they were but they do not see it that way. There is evidence of the affairs. I found some of it, mom and sister found others of it. Don't kid yourself to think you will not get caught. I disapprove of my dad's lies with relationships so its hard having a real conversation with him as you can tell he's not always telling the truth to try to make himself look good now.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 20:20     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, tell her it's gotten to this point. If my husband came to me and said this and was DEAD SERIOUS I would realize I had three options:

Figure out how to enjoy sex again and have it more
Allow my husband a physical affair with the caveat he does everything in his power to not let it get emotional
Understand that is pretty unlikely to happen without him eventually realizing he could be happy with someone else and chooses to divorce me, and just not waste the time and go ahead and agree to an amicable divorce.

Really, those are her three options. She can choose which she can live with and you can go with that since it sounds like at this point any of the three would work for you. But give we the courtesy of knowing you have reached this point so she can do some work and figure out how to handle it. You owe her that.


This. I'm in a situation where many of my female friends have initiated the divorce. In all the case the spouses were shocked that things were that bad despite my friends saying they had numerous conversations for years about the issues with no changes. I've told DH that if the words "we need to go to counseling" comes out of my mouth that's a big hint that we need to address the issue or we are heading for divorce. I would not throw that out there for the heck of it. Vice versa, I hope he would give me the courtesy to let me know he wants to work things out with a 3rd party helping us so I know both that there is still hope and his preference is to work things out but it's at the level of priority that if either I refuse to go to counseling or despite best efforts we can't get it together then it's not really fair to either of us to stay in the marriage. I think at a minimum, if the counseling doesn't work, it would help us realize we really aren't a good match to stay married for whatever reason and there would be no hard feelings.

If my DH cheated, there would be a lot of hard feelings. As someone else mentioned, even though the sex is infrequent, you are still having sex. So whatever you are doing with other people can be brought back to your wife. If you or the other person in the affair gets emtionally involved things can get even messier. What if the mistress ends up pregnant? I'm married and the one time I said to DH what the heck and didn't use protection sure as sh$$ I ended up pregnant. I was a result of an unplanned pregnancy - thankfully both my parents were dating only each other at the time. You are trying to rationalize cheating as your wife wouldn't want to know but it is selfish not to give her the courtesy of deciding how she wants to handle things. What you see as an ultimatum, I see as part of communicating. It's all I the delivery.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 19:59     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.


OP here. Interesting on the BC angle. I have mentioned getting snipped so she can get off BC. She actually has been against it, doesn't want to forclose us having more kids. Which, in retrospect, shows that she really is in la-la land thinking our marriage is going to last.

Thanks for all the good suggestions.


OP, you are a true ass. If you aren't going to treat her with respect and be actively engaged and follow your marriage vows, do your wife a favor and leave. Why drag her through an affair and divorce when it is going to lead to divorce anyway. You are looking for someone to say it was a great idea, worked out great, wife was ok with it.
In terms of being a dad. My dad cheated on my mom 10 years ago for several years. My husband and I suspected it but had no proof (I would have told my mom). We think it went on longer than that. She tried to work things out after a separation and he kept cheating. At that point, I was the one who pushed her to put him out again (I didn't support her taking him back as it went against everything they taught me). I was very close to both my parents and with all the drama, now I don't feel close to either one. You will hurt your kids more by cheating and divorcing rather than just divorcing. My mom was miserable and took it out on me, which caused a rift. She is now much happier with her new boyfriend and it has worked out well for her. My dad is still having his flings and really regrets leaving my mom (she'd never take him back and he'd never stop cheating). He is very lonely while she isn't. Our relationship is very superficial now. I hate to admit it but I lost part of the closeness out of lack of respect for him. He has completely changed from the dad I grew up with who was very attentive and put our family first. It makes me sad that I basically lost part of both my parents - not because of the separation so much as the affairs. My dad, like you, justified it due to the lack of sex (just what a grown child needs to hear) and continues to even though much of the lack was due to his behaviors and health issues.

Just divorce your wife. Give her the good car, house and kids. Make sure she is set up well financially, including college for the kids and retirement... let her move on with her life. You have your fun and see how life isn't greener on the other side. Don't think your kids will not know. Don't think that it will not alter a part of the respect your kids have for you.

Would you be ok if your daughter's husband had affairs on her? Would you be ok with him having sex with someone, not telling her and her catching some disease that could kill her.

You don't deserve your wife. Get a divorce, then move on.


It seems that you blame your own unhappiness on your father, even though all your evidence is just a belief.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 19:30     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.


OP here. Interesting on the BC angle. I have mentioned getting snipped so she can get off BC. She actually has been against it, doesn't want to forclose us having more kids. Which, in retrospect, shows that she really is in la-la land thinking our marriage is going to last.

Thanks for all the good suggestions.


OP, you are a true ass. If you aren't going to treat her with respect and be actively engaged and follow your marriage vows, do your wife a favor and leave. Why drag her through an affair and divorce when it is going to lead to divorce anyway. You are looking for someone to say it was a great idea, worked out great, wife was ok with it.
In terms of being a dad. My dad cheated on my mom 10 years ago for several years. My husband and I suspected it but had no proof (I would have told my mom). We think it went on longer than that. She tried to work things out after a separation and he kept cheating. At that point, I was the one who pushed her to put him out again (I didn't support her taking him back as it went against everything they taught me). I was very close to both my parents and with all the drama, now I don't feel close to either one. You will hurt your kids more by cheating and divorcing rather than just divorcing. My mom was miserable and took it out on me, which caused a rift. She is now much happier with her new boyfriend and it has worked out well for her. My dad is still having his flings and really regrets leaving my mom (she'd never take him back and he'd never stop cheating). He is very lonely while she isn't. Our relationship is very superficial now. I hate to admit it but I lost part of the closeness out of lack of respect for him. He has completely changed from the dad I grew up with who was very attentive and put our family first. It makes me sad that I basically lost part of both my parents - not because of the separation so much as the affairs. My dad, like you, justified it due to the lack of sex (just what a grown child needs to hear) and continues to even though much of the lack was due to his behaviors and health issues.

Just divorce your wife. Give her the good car, house and kids. Make sure she is set up well financially, including college for the kids and retirement... let her move on with her life. You have your fun and see how life isn't greener on the other side. Don't think your kids will not know. Don't think that it will not alter a part of the respect your kids have for you.

Would you be ok if your daughter's husband had affairs on her? Would you be ok with him having sex with someone, not telling her and her catching some disease that could kill her.

You don't deserve your wife. Get a divorce, then move on.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 18:14     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
I would just like to say- my DH was/is in the exact same boat as you. He constantly complained about lack of sex. In reality sex was all about his pleasure and not at all about mine. I communicated this to him many times. He would try to please me for a couple of times, then i guess it turned into too much work.
He began taking a co worker out alone after work. He constantly talks about her. I am not at all angry at the woman. She is 12 years younger than him and he is her boss. How can she say no?
When I found out what he was doing I wanted to kill him. I was so hurt and confused i couldnt even function for days. It was not a pretty sight.
To this day he still believes he did nothing wrong. He only feels bad that i got upset about it.
He brought up lack of sex- why would he bring that up if he didnt feel it was wrong to do?
I told DH - why would I enjoy sex when there is no enjoyment for me? Think about what you are doing with your wife? Is there foreplay? Seriously ask yourself some questions about it.
I will honestly say- i will NEVER trust a word out of my husbands mouth again. But after 25 years I am finally enjoying sex, because He finally realized how selfish he was in bed.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 17:12     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.


OP here. Interesting on the BC angle. I have mentioned getting snipped so she can get off BC. She actually has been against it, doesn't want to forclose us having more kids. Which, in retrospect, shows that she really is in la-la land thinking our marriage is going to last.

Thanks for all the good suggestions.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 16:58     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
PP here. I think women often marry men who are "marriage material" and overlook the fact that there is no sexual chemistry. It's really a deception and leads to this kind of situation.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 16:57     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People lose the sex cues and forget how to find their partner attractive. The best cure for that is to let them fuck someone else. Encourage your partner in some extracurricular sex and see what happens. If done honestly, it reinvigorate a marriage.


In truth, if she knows that another woman is after you it might turn her on and reinvigorate her libido. Screwed up but true.


It's called "social proof" in the trade. OP, if you haven't at least tried to learn a bit of Game and use it on your DW, you are not yet justified in cheating.
Incognita
Post 08/14/2014 16:55     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People lose the sex cues and forget how to find their partner attractive. The best cure for that is to let them fuck someone else. Encourage your partner in some extracurricular sex and see what happens. If done honestly, it reinvigorate a marriage.


In truth, if she knows that another woman is after you it might turn her on and reinvigorate her libido. Screwed up but true.


Happened to me...

Was a coworker of his, when we had already started talking divorce. Put on an incredibly sexy dress, hairs, nails, met him at work, took him to dinner then fucked his brains out. No complaints since.


Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 16:49     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:People lose the sex cues and forget how to find their partner attractive. The best cure for that is to let them fuck someone else. Encourage your partner in some extracurricular sex and see what happens. If done honestly, it reinvigorate a marriage.


In truth, if she knows that another woman is after you it might turn her on and reinvigorate her libido. Screwed up but true.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2014 16:46     Subject: When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.


OP here. I am sure it is wishful thinking but a part of me wonders whether my DW would understand if I had a purely sexual affair. She knows I am unhappy with sexual aspects - we have discussed it ad nauseum and frankly I am sick of making her feel bad about it. Our marriage otherwise works, so it seems so pointless to toss aside an otherwise healthy marriage just for lack of sex. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and how much she wishes she could be in the mood more but then we go a month without sex and the resentment overflows.

As a caveat, I can compartmentalize sex and emotions. But then again, seeing the other responses, I can see how bad it can go if discovered. Thanks for feedback.


OP, did you ever have an active sex life with your DW?