Reply to Husband e-mails Wife spreadsheet of Wife's excuses not to have sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It wasn't his last option but we can see even from the spreadsheet that he was trying to communicate. Every time he attempted to initiate sex with her, that was communicating that he desired her and desired sex with her. Those were honest communications.

She responded by saying that she didn't desire him and didn't desire sex with him because she didn't feel good or felt tired or felt like watching TV more than having sex with him or felt like not showering more than having sex with him. Those are often disingenuous communications from her, mostly rejecting him.

So they were communicating; just not in a healthy manner. [/quote]

That's not the communication I'm talking about at all. I think it would be interesting to know what other conversations they had about these issues. I think it would be interesting to hear her perspective on why she said no so many times. I posted above that I was the denying spouse. We did talk about it. We talked about it a lot. It took a long time for me to really get right with the idea that it was a pattern, rather than a series of unrelated events that made me not feel sexy. It was weight gain. It was post-pregnancy sensation weirdness. It was exhaustion from being up multiple times in the night. It not feeling supported in a couple of career things. It was feeling resentful of his leisure activities and carefully guarding the few that I had left (reading, watching TV, etc.). All those things, when taken together, formed a pattern of overall disinterest in our sex life that was very hurtful to my husband. If he had petulantly sent me a spreadsheet listing the times I said no and the reasons I said no, I would have felt more resentful and unsupported and unsexy. I would not have felt inclined to communicate better about our situation. In the end what woke me up was my husband sadly listing the many things that he was doing privately to "try to make me want him again". [/quote]

Sounds familiar. I've had similar conversations with my wife. Fortunately we were older than the spreadsheet couple when our sex life tanked. We had grown together over the years and had matured by parenting together. Still, I'm a little on the fence about how much even tactful conversations about our lackluster sex life have helped. I did what I could to give her space. I did what I could to address her stated concerns about what was affecting our sex life. I told her bluntly I didn't ever want to find myself on the receiving end of a "I love you but I'm not *in* love with you" conversation. She acknowledged a complete lack of desire. We ditched hormonal birth control.

So, we're both working on it. But after the conversations, sex seems more pressured. The sex that does happen feels more like duty sex. Because I see the IP logs from our home network, I know that probably once a month she watches porn before coming to bed and initiating sex (we probably have sex 3-4x per month -- up from about once a month during the infant/toddler years). I'm torn between being happy at the effort and being sad that it takes that for her to want me. I want sex with my wife, but I don't want to be a burden to her.

Other than the sex element, however, our marriage is solid and we like each other quite a bit. Guess we're a lot better off than the spreadsheet couple! And there's no help for it but to just keep grinding along, making an effort to improve our sex life.
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