Reply to Guys, how do you feel when she says no?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum.  Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal.  Oh well, we'll do it next time.  Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again.  I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way?  Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?[/quote]

DH here:  if our sex life is otherwise healthy, rejection is a non-issue; I'd actually prefer her to tell me when she is not up for it to avoid a bad experience for both of us.  When it is not healthy, though, rejection is a major issue and suggests there are serious problems with the relationship.  It's not just rejection, though.  Disengaged sex where she is clearly only doing it out of a sense of obligation is in some ways worse than being straight-up turned down.   [/quote]

Please clarify.  You let her tell you when she is not up for it?  How on earth does that work without it being a rejection?  So, ergo, how is rejection a non-issue when you rely on her rejecting you about sex?

So then, you are like the rest of us rejected husbands, including yours truly.[/quote]

I wouldn't call it "rejection" if she just isn't up for it that particular night, but we are in a place where sex is generally plentiful and good.  That's just a scheduling issue, which I don't take personally.  Some nights I am not up for it either, whether due to fatigue, illness, stress, etc.  That happens.  If you know you are going to get good sex sometime soon because you have a generally healthy sexual relationship, you don't *feel* rejected, which is the real issue.

"Rejection" is a problem when it is frequent, especially when during those times when the sex happens the wife is clearly not into it, which women are pretty good at making clear in my experience.  Different issue, and one that is legitimately difficult for a husband to deal with.  Having said that,[b] letting on that it bothers you only makes it less likely that she will be into you, so it is kind of a catch-22.  You really have to pretend like nothing bothers you if you want to make any progress.[/b]  
[/quote]

Quoted for truth.

Also, I don't know how many times I've read some variation of advice on how to get your wife more in the mood to have sex that went something like, "to have more sex, you have to do [x, y, and/or z], but you can't be doing it to have more sex." Nice trick bag. Thanks. [/quote]

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