Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

Yes. It is a big downer. Its all fun and games when you are single, out in a bar or whatever. But then you find a woman you really love. Then, for no real reason, you get turned down.

Believe me, it hurts. I'm going through the same thing right now, but things are getting better. Wives, listen up. Your husbands love you, so make love with them.

and yes, I can see how it makes them cheat, but not for the pure experience of orgasm, but the need to feel wanted, desired, and for affection. My wife at least french kisses me deeply every day. Believe it or not it makes a huge difference.

But I don't want DH. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want him. I would like to have a sex life again, but not with him.

I asked him to agree to an amicable divorce, but he won't agree to it. I don't want to start WWIII over this, but I really don't want him. I've been very clear with him about it and my desire for a divorce.

So... at least in my case, you're not wrong about what "no sex" means. It means I want out.

So are you legally separated? What are you waiting for?

Anonymous wrote:A different thought: if a woman expressed this to me (another woman), I would tell her to seek counseling. No sex is deeply frustrating, but soul-rending despair over being told "no" is a mental health issue for which y'all need therapy. How can you base your entire identity on what someone else is doing or not doing? That's needy and weak and not healthy. No one's identity should be that dependent on his/her spouse's attitude.

Sex is a fundamental human need. When you commit to monogamy, you put satisfaction of that need entirely in the hands of one person. If that person says "no" once but mostly says "yes" at other times, then you are absolutely correct. But when rejection becomes consistent, the "no" on a particular night isn't just that night. Rather, the rejected spouse can see a life time of sexual rejection stretching out into the future.

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse - man or woman - is denying you sex they are not living up to their marital obligations. They are leaving you with no ethical way for you to get your sexual needs met. Then they are pissed when you stray.

07:34 again.

So what?

You need to talk to your spouse and say "I want to have a sex life. I want to have it with you. But if you won't have sex with me, I am going to go outside the relationship. What can we do to make this relationship work sexually?"

If he/she is pissed about that, too bad. No sex and no outside excursions is not fair.

A different thought: if a woman expressed this to me (another woman), I would tell her to seek counseling. No sex is deeply frustrating, but soul-rending despair over being told "no" is a mental health issue for which y'all need therapy. How can you base your entire identity on what someone else is doing or not doing? That's needy and weak and not healthy. No one's identity should be that dependent on his/her spouse's attitude.

Anonymous wrote:Have men's feelings about this changed since the, say, 1950s? If you think of the stereotype of women just lay there and tolerated it, were men unhappy? Or does the sexual revolution and preponderance of porn change their views?

Another way to ask: are men's egos now programmed by external stuff to make how they feel about themselves equate to how sexually desirable they feel?

Some thoughts in no particular order:

1. Maybe externally created expectations have made guys less happy with what they have.
2. Maybe externally created expectations have made women more likely to reject initiations.
3. Stereotype of the asexual wife in the 1950s was probably overblown.
4. Men in the 1950s may have been as or more unhappy with their sex lives than guys now.
5. Less feminism and (the corresponding) manlier men may have made wives feel more sexual toward their husbands in the 50s.*

* I'm not trying to bash feminism. But I think the messages of feminism have made a lot of guys confused about how to be the "confident"/dominant guy that a lot of women seem attracted to without being disrespectful to the equality of women. (A lot of women too, perhaps).

If your spouse - man or woman - is denying you sex they are not living up to their marital obligations. They are leaving you with no ethical way for you to get your sexual needs met. Then they are pissed when you stray.

Have men's feelings about this changed since the, say, 1950s? If you think of the stereotype of women just lay there and tolerated it, were men unhappy? Or does the sexual revolution and preponderance of porn change their views?

Another way to ask: are men's egos now programmed by external stuff to make how they feel about themselves equate to how sexually desirable they feel?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

Yes. It is a big downer. Its all fun and games when you are single, out in a bar or whatever. But then you find a woman you really love. Then, for no real reason, you get turned down.

Believe me, it hurts. I'm going through the same thing right now, but things are getting better. Wives, listen up. Your husbands love you, so make love with them.

and yes, I can see how it makes them cheat, but not for the pure experience of orgasm, but the need to feel wanted, desired, and for affection. My wife at least french kisses me deeply every day. Believe it or not it makes a huge difference.

But I don't want DH. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want him. I would like to have a sex life again, but not with him.

I asked him to agree to an amicable divorce, but he won't agree to it. I don't want to start WWIII over this, but I really don't want him. I've been very clear with him about it and my desire for a divorce.

So... at least in my case, you're not wrong about what "no sex" means. It means I want out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

DH here: if our sex life is otherwise healthy, rejection is a non-issue; I'd actually prefer her to tell me when she is not up for it to avoid a bad experience for both of us. When it is not healthy, though, rejection is a major issue and suggests there are serious problems with the relationship. It's not just rejection, though. Disengaged sex where she is clearly only doing it out of a sense of obligation is in some ways worse than being straight-up turned down.

Please clarify. You let her tell you when she is not up for it? How on earth does that work without it being a rejection? So, ergo, how is rejection a non-issue when you rely on her rejecting you about sex?

So then, you are like the rest of us rejected husbands, including yours truly.

I wouldn't call it "rejection" if she just isn't up for it that particular night, but we are in a place where sex is generally plentiful and good. That's just a scheduling issue, which I don't take personally. Some nights I am not up for it either, whether due to fatigue, illness, stress, etc. That happens. If you know you are going to get good sex sometime soon because you have a generally healthy sexual relationship, you don't *feel* rejected, which is the real issue.

"Rejection" is a problem when it is frequent, especially when during those times when the sex happens the wife is clearly not into it, which women are pretty good at making clear in my experience. Different issue, and one that is legitimately difficult for a husband to deal with. Having said that, letting on that it bothers you only makes it less likely that she will be into you, so it is kind of a catch-22. You really have to pretend like nothing bothers you if you want to make any progress.

Quoted for truth.

Also, I don't know how many times I've read some variation of advice on how to get your wife more in the mood to have sex that went something like, "to have more sex, you have to do [x, y, and/or z], but you can't be doing it to have more sex." Nice trick bag. Thanks.

Pfft.

You can't LET HER KNOW that you are doing it to have more sex. That's it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a guy friend who gets turned down by his wife all the time. Now he takes his anger out on me and threatens me. I try and only have sex with him once every few month but the anger he has for her he takes out on me. I wish he would leave me alone and just be with his wife.

Ignore him. Just stop answering his calls and texts. Call the cops if he shows up at your house.

You need to get out. Most likely he is having sex with you because his wife stopped having sex with him because he is abusive. She needs to get out to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

DH here: if our sex life is otherwise healthy, rejection is a non-issue; I'd actually prefer her to tell me when she is not up for it to avoid a bad experience for both of us. When it is not healthy, though, rejection is a major issue and suggests there are serious problems with the relationship. It's not just rejection, though. Disengaged sex where she is clearly only doing it out of a sense of obligation is in some ways worse than being straight-up turned down.

Please clarify. You let her tell you when she is not up for it? How on earth does that work without it being a rejection? So, ergo, how is rejection a non-issue when you rely on her rejecting you about sex?

So then, you are like the rest of us rejected husbands, including yours truly.

I wouldn't call it "rejection" if she just isn't up for it that particular night, but we are in a place where sex is generally plentiful and good. That's just a scheduling issue, which I don't take personally. Some nights I am not up for it either, whether due to fatigue, illness, stress, etc. That happens. If you know you are going to get good sex sometime soon because you have a generally healthy sexual relationship, you don't *feel* rejected, which is the real issue.

"Rejection" is a problem when it is frequent, especially when during those times when the sex happens the wife is clearly not into it, which women are pretty good at making clear in my experience. Different issue, and one that is legitimately difficult for a husband to deal with. Having said that, letting on that it bothers you only makes it less likely that she will be into you, so it is kind of a catch-22. You really have to pretend like nothing bothers you if you want to make any progress.

Quoted for truth.

Also, I don't know how many times I've read some variation of advice on how to get your wife more in the mood to have sex that went something like, "to have more sex, you have to do [x, y, and/or z], but you can't be doing it to have more sex." Nice trick bag. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Reading all these replies... This is why I never want to be married again. It's so nice to only see my guy once a week. To think about him.... look forward to it.... save up my energy and then totally attack him. Only have sex when you WANT to, not because you are obligated, and not because you have to worry about feelings of rejection or the destruction of your relationship if you aren't having sex whenever he wants to.

I knew a woman who told me her husband expected sex every-other night. I thought, how horrible. It's like you're a receptacle for a bodily function, like a toilet, instead of passionate love making. I'd go nuts if I had someone pawing at me all the time like that.

Most men and women who want romance should not live together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

You only want sex once a week? No wonder you didn't like being married.

Holy shit right? I've been with my DH 15 years and we still go at it 2-3xs a week with a little stand alone oral thown in there for good measure. Prior to having kids, we were fucking 2xs a day.

You are wise, DO NOT GET MARRIED AGAIN. You sound low drive.

I feel bad for many of the men posting on here in sexless marriages. I don't think they are the norm though. As I've entered into my late 30s, my drive has increased, so I'm not sure what is going on in these relationships.

Actually, I think about sex a lot, and take care of myself many times a week. Sometimes daily. But when sex becomes routine and expected, it's a turn off. And when you're partner is being an unhelpful jerk who doesn't contribute to the marriage in (whatever) ways, it's a turn off. Real life is a turn off. Hungrily jumping a guy who I've missed, and who has been missing me all week, is a turn on.

So you'd rather masturbate than have a full relationship with a real live man? Your x did a number on you.

Not PP, but I'd much rather masturbate than have sex with my husband. He's awfully needy and sex with him is all about his needs. Not reciprocal at all.

Then tell him what you need. Don't fake orgasms just because you feel that he needs to feel good. He could not have missed that you are not coming unless you have been faking it. Good sex can be learned and taught by telling the other person what feels good. You do not need experience, you need communication.

I don't fake. He is aware. He doesn't care. Doesn't matter one bit to him as long as he gets his.

I try to keep him to maintenance blow jobs as much as possible. No point in having him pump away with no return for me.

Joke might be on you. I think a lot of guys would happily take the knobber over intercourse. Especially with a sensual, erotic partner like you.

I'm okay with that.

If that is true, we're both biding time until the kids are out of the house, I think.

It would be nice if we could just say that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

DH here: if our sex life is otherwise healthy, rejection is a non-issue; I'd actually prefer her to tell me when she is not up for it to avoid a bad experience for both of us. When it is not healthy, though, rejection is a major issue and suggests there are serious problems with the relationship. It's not just rejection, though. Disengaged sex where she is clearly only doing it out of a sense of obligation is in some ways worse than being straight-up turned down.

Please clarify. You let her tell you when she is not up for it? How on earth does that work without it being a rejection? So, ergo, how is rejection a non-issue when you rely on her rejecting you about sex?

So then, you are like the rest of us rejected husbands, including yours truly.

I wouldn't call it "rejection" if she just isn't up for it that particular night, but we are in a place where sex is generally plentiful and good. That's just a scheduling issue, which I don't take personally. Some nights I am not up for it either, whether due to fatigue, illness, stress, etc. That happens. If you know you are going to get good sex sometime soon because you have a generally healthy sexual relationship, you don't *feel* rejected, which is the real issue.

"Rejection" is a problem when it is frequent, especially when during those times when the sex happens the wife is clearly not into it, which women are pretty good at making clear in my experience. Different issue, and one that is legitimately difficult for a husband to deal with. Having said that, letting on that it bothers you only makes it less likely that she will be into you, so it is kind of a catch-22. You really have to pretend like nothing bothers you if you want to make any progress.

Anonymous wrote:I have a guy friend who gets turned down by his wife all the time. Now he takes his anger out on me and threatens me. I try and only have sex with him once every few month but the anger he has for her he takes out on me. I wish he would leave me alone and just be with his wife.

Ignore him. Just stop answering his calls and texts. Call the cops if he shows up at your house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Women can feel as rejected as men do, when it happens to them.

I'd as it's almost worse. After all, men are supposed to be horn dogs 24/7 so when one turns you down you really wonder what's wrong with you.

I agree. I feel terrible about myself when DH turns me down. His libido isn't what it was (due to age/medications/us being together for several years) and he's gotten lazy in bed anyway. I feel like in order to have sex at all, I have to silently agree that it's OK for him to not fully reciprocate (with oral, for example). He masturbates and watches porn when I'm not around, which would never bother me - if we were also having sex.

I'm very pregnant now (so not everyone's cup of tea), but we've only had sex about 3 times my whole pregnancy - and I don't think he finished any of those times. The last time was November. (I'm happy to give him oral to completion, but have lost interest since he won't reciprocate.) I still blow him and he'll touch me with his hands every couple weeks, but nothing else.

Bottom line: I feel terrible about myself as a result.