Reply to DH wants "open relationship" after my affair...

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, the problem here is that while you acknowledge your mistake, you don't seem particularly contrite nor remorseful.  You want your family back, you want your life to be what it was, you are fearful about what will happen to you in a divorce.  You had your affair for 2.5 years and didn't stop until you were evicted from your house.  You don't seem to care about what will happen to your husband or children.  Everything you say says that you are worried for purely selfish reasons and frankly, I agree with your husband that in this frame of mind, you should not return to your family.  Nothing will stop you from further harming your family and you've shown no regret for past actions.

Your first step after being caught and kicked out was to run to your boyfriend and continue your adulterous ways.  You didn't try to make any amends and you haven't tried nor made any amends to your family.  Your husband has asked you to live outside on your own, in your own apartment until you can rebuild his and their trust.  You don't do that by moving in with the object of your infidelity.  Your husband has asked you to have independent therapy first to find out what caused you to be unfaithful and to work on admitting your faults and becoming remorseful.  With your current attitude why should he waste any time on joint counseling when you haven't shown any true admission that you've done wrong, only regret that you were caught (and frankly, just saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong" right now isn't enough).  You even show that you are resentful that you have to work at a lowly non-profit when you are clearly superior with your ivy-league education.

So, let me spell this out.  You need to do some personal introspection to not only admit that you had an affair, but to admit that you were wrong, to find out why you are so remorseless and to start showing some contrition.  You need to start being a little less selfish and to start putting your marriage, your children and your husband first rather than last.  Right now, the ONLY reason for him to take you back is because it would be good for you.  You've shown no reason why it would be good for your children or husband.  In point of fact, your own words in your OP show why it would be unhealthy for them to welcome you back at this time.   Once you have established that you can change, that you can put your family and their interests ahead of your own, only then will it be worthwhile for your husband to invest his time into joint counseling to determine how to repair the marriage.  Because right now, you are not a partner I would be willing to welcome back.   If you can establish that you can be trustworthy, that you have reconsidered your errors and truly show that you are remorseful then he can participate in joint counseling to find out what was wrong in your marriage including his part and what needs to change to get you back together, but frankly, I agree with your husband that currently, you aren't worth joint counseling.  And I also acknowledge that he could have been partly at fault for the breakup of your marriage.  But a partner worthy of joint counseling would have left or separated from her husband before having an affair, would have realized after a very short time that the affair was wrong and discontinued it until separated from the marriage, or would have made some amends long before this. [/quote]

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