I rarely recommend divorce, but, if this post is real, the best option for all to heal and move on is divorce. The pain and feelings of betrayal will start to pass as you each move on and try to effectively co parent. He will never get over this in a way that can lead to reconciliation. Nor should he be expected to. But he should move on to co parent with you and you can each find happiness without each other. GL.

IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

DW here almost 4 months after DH's affair. It sucks to have trust violated. I haven't forgiven DH and although I'm trying to move past his 3 year affair, I find myself wanting to give up sometimes. Just today I asked for proof he was where he said he'd be last night. I'm not that wife but when I think about all the lies he told me, I just get so sad. I may never believe him ever again. Affairs are just selfish, in my case we had regular sex 3-4 times a week often just before he'd see her. I'm game for anything sexually, he just wanted something different. My advice, if you truly want your life back you'll suck it up and make him trust you again.

OP you should go spend some time on the Wanderer forum at www.survivinginfidelity.com

You don't get it at all. This isn't an oops that you say sorry and everything is fine. You threw a grenade into your marriage and you expect your DH to act like nothing happened. You aren't remorseful at all. You don't get it. Wanting things back the way they were isn't remorse. Regretting what you did isn't remorse - both those things are still all about you.

Some people want to know all the details because they don't want their spouse to have intimate secrets that they share with others that the spouse isn't privy too.

I hope your husband keeps up his defenses. Given your lack of remorse you will likely cheat again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:02, is there a reason you get off on imagining all of the details of OP having sex with her affair partner?

Plus, what is this "Centurion" bullshit?

An idiot (and woman hater) who cannot figure out how to create a profile to login in with.

OP, the problem here is that while you acknowledge your mistake, you don't seem particularly contrite nor remorseful. You want your family back, you want your life to be what it was, you are fearful about what will happen to you in a divorce. You had your affair for 2.5 years and didn't stop until you were evicted from your house. You don't seem to care about what will happen to your husband or children. Everything you say says that you are worried for purely selfish reasons and frankly, I agree with your husband that in this frame of mind, you should not return to your family. Nothing will stop you from further harming your family and you've shown no regret for past actions.

Your first step after being caught and kicked out was to run to your boyfriend and continue your adulterous ways. You didn't try to make any amends and you haven't tried nor made any amends to your family. Your husband has asked you to live outside on your own, in your own apartment until you can rebuild his and their trust. You don't do that by moving in with the object of your infidelity. Your husband has asked you to have independent therapy first to find out what caused you to be unfaithful and to work on admitting your faults and becoming remorseful. With your current attitude why should he waste any time on joint counseling when you haven't shown any true admission that you've done wrong, only regret that you were caught (and frankly, just saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong" right now isn't enough). You even show that you are resentful that you have to work at a lowly non-profit when you are clearly superior with your ivy-league education.

So, let me spell this out. You need to do some personal introspection to not only admit that you had an affair, but to admit that you were wrong, to find out why you are so remorseless and to start showing some contrition. You need to start being a little less selfish and to start putting your marriage, your children and your husband first rather than last. Right now, the ONLY reason for him to take you back is because it would be good for you. You've shown no reason why it would be good for your children or husband. In point of fact, your own words in your OP show why it would be unhealthy for them to welcome you back at this time. Once you have established that you can change, that you can put your family and their interests ahead of your own, only then will it be worthwhile for your husband to invest his time into joint counseling to determine how to repair the marriage. Because right now, you are not a partner I would be willing to welcome back. If you can establish that you can be trustworthy, that you have reconsidered your errors and truly show that you are remorseful then he can participate in joint counseling to find out what was wrong in your marriage including his part and what needs to change to get you back together, but frankly, I agree with your husband that currently, you aren't worth joint counseling. And I also acknowledge that he could have been partly at fault for the breakup of your marriage. But a partner worthy of joint counseling would have left or separated from her husband before having an affair, would have realized after a very short time that the affair was wrong and discontinued it until separated from the marriage, or would have made some amends long before this.

Anonymous wrote:14:02, is there a reason you get off on imagining all of the details of OP having sex with her affair partner?

Plus, what is this "Centurion" bullshit?

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you just care about "getting your life back" till you find the next dude. You took a huge sinking dump in your house and set it on fire. Did the OM break it off with you? How did that end? Bet he didn't like you hanging around his place and cramping him game. As for him wanting to know what you did sexually and do it with him....read that as "this relationship is over". Any time he see you now, he thinks about how you were banging this other dude, the lack of sex in your "marriage" and the what a chump him is. This thing is over, you can't go back to your sah gig and your ivy degree ain't worth much, as you are finding out. Good luck

Anonymous wrote:Some of the posters here find it "implausible" that DW would not do things with her DH that she did with OM? I am a DW would did have an affair while my DH was on assignment outside the U.S. for a year - a woman has needs you know - and I let me lover have me every which way he could. I hadn't behaved like such a dirty little whore since college. Now, I would never ever think of letting my DH "take me from behind" for example. He is too much of a prude for that - pretty much vanilla sex guy. Anyway, that affair was 10 years ago, we are still married. I just keep my mouth shut!

That's not what people are calling implausible, but thanks for sharing.

Sounds like you just care about "getting your life back" till you find the next dude. You took a huge sinking dump in your house and set it on fire. Did the OM break it off with you? How did that end? Bet he didn't like you hanging around his place and cramping him game. As for him wanting to know what you did sexually and do it with him....read that as "this relationship is over". Any time he see you now, he thinks about how you were banging this other dude, the lack of sex in your "marriage" and the what a chump him is. This thing is over, you can't go back to your sah gig and your ivy degree ain't worth much, as you are finding out. Good luck

If you want back with hubby, why wouldn't you do all those things you did with OM to him? Why hold back?

Anonymous wrote:No sympathy. You fucked up. Except for demanding the intimate details of the affair (maybe you should provide those -- in graphic detail -- if you want to twist the knife?), I would probably do the same thing.

I hope he gets custody, too.

+1

I wouldn't take you back. You are getting what you deserve.

Some of the posters here find it "implausible" that DW would not do things with her DH that she did with OM? I am a DW would did have an affair while my DH was on assignment outside the U.S. for a year - a woman has needs you know - and I let me lover have me every which way he could. I hadn't behaved like such a dirty little whore since college. Now, I would never ever think of letting my DH "take me from behind" for example. He is too much of a prude for that - pretty much vanilla sex guy. Anyway, that affair was 10 years ago, we are still married. I just keep my mouth shut!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, it's understandable that the betrayed spouse would think about that, but I don't get why 14:02 enjoys fantasizing about OP (a stranger on the Internet to him) cheating on her husband, with all of the sordid details including positions.

14:02 (centurion) is a sick fuck. He seems like the kind of guy who kills prostitutes. His hate for women just seethes and boils. He's dangerous.

Lol. I hate women? That's bullshit. I love women very much.

Centurion

Yea, you probably love them strangled and in a shallow grave.