Reply to My 22 Year Old Stepdaughter Lives at Home and I’m Unsure How to Handle Her Behavior

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, can't you see what a pickle you've gotten yourself into? Your DH sucks! He's neglected his daughter's mental health and development for a year now, placing the burden on you to cater to her. You're here asking for advice because your DH isn't stepping up to deal with HIS child. And now you're stuck with your little kids, with this neglectful parent and loser of a husband. You can tell us all day how wonderful your DH is, but the facts say otherwise.

You probably thought you were getting a great deal marrying a 35-year-old whose kids were soon to be out of the house. But oh how foolish and naive you were.[/quote]

I’m here asking for advice for my husband. Kids that have do not motivation, are hard to parent. He’s trying his best to figure this out. He’s always treated me and the children well, and we’ve never hard any issues.[/quote]

Except the issue that you are having now, and have been having for the last year! He is treating you badly right now through his passivity and his eagerness to burden you with his failure to launch child. Open your eyes! And he is not treating his daughter well! For several years she has been making bad choices and in a bad relationship and her father has done nothing about it. Is this how you would like him to treat your children as young adults?

What has your totally not neglectful husband DONE about this? What ACTIONS has he taken? Has he just been sitting around for a year saying "Oh no" and "Of course my wife will do your laundry" and "Here's some money and a phone and a car"?[/quote]
I don’t feel like my stepdaughter living in our house is a burden on me. I just would like to encourage independence, and advice related to that is all I’m looking for.[/quote]

But you do feel like it's a burden on you. Here are some things you have said:

"her behavior at home is… challenging."

"She doesn’t cook, clean, or help with anything around the house. I end up doing all the meals, laundry, and cleaning for her."

"She doesn’t help voluntarily and doesn’t respond well when asked to follow rules. When I ask her to do anything, she either ignores it, argues, or rolls her eyes."

"the lack of contribution in other areas has started to feel even more stressful."

"almost lazy to the point where it’s affecting the household."

When will you tell us what ACTIONS your DH has taken to help his daughter develop maturity and independence, and stop her from wasting years of her life?

To encourage independence, your DH must:
1) Seek mental health treatment for her. 
2) Stop her from excessive drinking and partying, by taking away phone and car and money if necessary. 
3) Insist that she do her own chores to develop responsibility. 
4) Teach her that lying has consequences-- stop believing her and insist on proof that she is doing what she's supposed to be doing.
5) Not protect her from the consequences of her mistakes. She totaled her car, so now she "has" a brand-new one-- well how exactly did she get that new car? Appropriate parenting means young adults handle their own problems, not bailing them out every time. She should be working to save for a low-cost car, not being handed a new one. [/quote]

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