Reply to DH's angry parenting is ruining our family

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I saw the topic title and did a double take, wondering if I'd written the post. So much of this resonates including the calm persona (or masking) that turned into a 180 a few years into parenting.

But actually I now see that a lot of the lack of fighting etc was actually part of being very poor at communicating about conflict and expressing emotions. If you're not in tune with your childhood, have had positive modeling or dealt with trauma etc., it eventually comes out. There's a lot of flags I see in retrospect. We both have cultural baggage that contributed to his childhood and my blinders.

I haven't successfully gotten DH to see a therapist. He acts like he'll just improve but doesn't obviously. And we did sign up for a virtual parenting class but he was so dismissive and stopped even being in the room for it. It can be very hard to get someone to recognize the depth of their problem or get them to care about actually changing.

I have been similar to you OP on not wanting to leave due to custody but I wouldn't tell DH "it's off the table." It's an enormous lever, don't let him assume you won't use it. I raised it after something that happened and in my own mind adjusted to the fact that I might need to. It makes me very sad but it's my kids' childhood (and my mental health too) and there's only so much mommy martyr I can do and only so much damage I can buffer.[/quote]

In a similar situation but DH is like this to me too in addition to our child. He’s actually better with our child because at the end of the day she’s his child.

How do you talk to your DH about this? Mine is not willing to engage and just rages and storms off. Maybe then he also “retaliates” by being in a particularly terrible mood for the next week or so, and then further disrupting family life.

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Bluntly I haven't been able to talk to him in an effective or productive way. I have tried, he shuts down or just gets more pissed off, and all it does is extend the unpleasantness. I walk on eggshells, always have an ear out, and certainly feel an unhealthy amount of stress. [/quote]

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