Anonymous wrote:Have been trying to date over the past few years and after a very very large number of rejections I bit the bullet and asked a couple of my friends what they thought was going on. To my surprise, all of the women said that I have "niche looks" meaning they thought that while I'm not "ugly", I'm not traditionally attractive for a guy. They don't think I'm the equivalent of Steve Buscemi or anything along those lines, but I'm no George Clooney or Patrick Dempsey either. This kind of makes sense because of my dating history in that over the past few years I've dated dozens of women with varying amounts of success. Some only wanted the first date, some lasted for 6 months, but that is the extent of it.

To provide a bit more context, I'm 5ft6in tall, very muscular and fit. My celebrity lookalike is Curtis Mayfield, but I cannot sing like him unfortunately . I own a condo in DC and I work as a partner at a boutique law firm in a finance practice. I have a fair amount of hobbies (obviously weightlifting/exercising, BMX bike riding, collecting tattoos, perfecting my beef wellington) and a solid friend list, and I have never heard from anyone that I'm "boring" but I'm not putting it past there being some sort of social defect as well that is preventing me from making a solid connection with someone. I provide that info not to brag or point out that I'm a catch but to establish that I have my life in order as a baseline. The women that I have dated have never brought up my "niche looks" but usually would tell me they just weren't feeling it and I did not want to pry or try to force them to come up with a "reason" for not wanting to continue to see me.

Do folks have any thoughts here, absent plastic surgery, that I could use to improve my dating life in this regard? Do I need a matchmaker? The vast majority of women that I've dated have come from online dating as I'm not one to approach in person IRL other than two one-offs over the years.

Anonymous wrote:I reside on the West Coast but have not seen many Black men with bodysuits of tattoos.

No matter how attractive, educated, intelligent or charming you were I just would be too turned off by all that tattooed skin that I couldn’t date you.
No offense - I just think at your age having such a large collection of tattoos will make you look much older much sooner.
I imagine in 10-15 years your skin will look gross.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.

I’m a pretty adventurous woman but this type of profile picture would be a massive turn off for me. My boyfriend skateboards pretty regularly but if that was his profile picture I would have swiped left. I want a mature, responsible, adult man with a good job. If my very first impression of a guy is tattoos and BMX I’m gonna assume he’s a FBoy who sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

Women aren’t impressed by men doing things that their middle school boyfriends did. Portray yourself as an adult, then let the tattoos and BMX come out later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.

I’m a pretty adventurous woman but this type of profile picture would be a massive turn off for me. My boyfriend skateboards pretty regularly but if that was his profile picture I would have swiped left. I want a mature, responsible, adult man with a good job. If my very first impression of a guy is tattoos and BMX I’m gonna assume he’s a FBoy who sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

Women aren’t impressed by men doing things that their middle school boyfriends did. Portray yourself as an adult, then let the tattoos and BMX come out later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Negative to all of those. Parents are about to celebrate their 56th anniversary and no abuse or constant moves.

Happy to date women of all sizes other than morbidly obese. Dating age range is about 7 years on either side which I think is reasonable. Not trying to date a 23 year old model.

As far as the tattoos, I liberally use sunscreen and try to take care of my skin so hopefully that will mitigate any effects at least from the sun. I’m close friends with a few of the folks that have done some of my work and we hang out constantly so while some folks may be turned off by them I feel like I wanted them/enjoy the process of picking out the designs and placement and the meaning behind the classic designs so it was worth it. My OLD profile has a picture of my shirtless grinding a handrail on my bike so I would think most folks would know what they’re getting into in that regard prior to matching with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Yes, he's giving off sexual abuse, parents' traumatic divorce, constant moves with no stability, or all of the above. Something that damaged his ability to form healthy attachments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you like to cook, OP? The beef Wellington and more?
Try cooking classes.

Sure do. I will give that a try.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

DP. This is a lot of what I am thinking as well. The part about him only wanting to be with a woman who has a hobby that takes up a lot of her time makes me think this too.

He just doesn’t seem invested in giving a lot of himself in a relationship or being very open. Probably some kind of childhood trauma history.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read all your posts and none come off as someone looking for marriage or anything serious. You're looking for companionship and a permanent girlfriend. Women your age are looking for marriage and kids. That's just the beginning of the issues I see in what you've written, but it's a big one.

I would be ecstatic to find someone to marry. Kids ehhh not so much. I don’t particularly think I would be a good father as I think the level of patience to raise kids is not something I readily have but it’s something I would be willing to work on and reassess.

Anonymous wrote:I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.