Anonymous wrote:My kids are mixed and we operate the same way for both our son and our daughter. Honestly to some degree it’s also for their safety.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're a black man. I'm a white woman, and I want to validate your perspective.

I don't like boisterous rambunctious boys (or kids) in public and kind of encourage my son to act like you do yours. But for different reasons. I fully acknowledge your reasons, and I agree with you that this is real and true. I'm really sorry that's the case and I don't fully know what it's like.

I also think that had you posted this on DCUM two years ago you would have gotten more support. It's been kind of taken over my MAGAs and MAGA-lites, so, don't take these responses as the whole truth.

As the parent of a child with invisible special needs, the bolded statement is so triggering. I’m constantly working to get my kid close to the average, energy-wise. Parenting books, parent coaching, parenting classes, IEP, expensive therapies, etc. I’m not allowing my child to be more energetic because I don’t care. My child is more energetic despite years of attempting to bring him into the norm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sitting with something that’s hard to say out loud—especially in parenting spaces where freedom, joy, and childhood expression are the default assumptions. But here it is:

I don’t always let my sons—two energetic, curious, Black boys—have “too much” fun in public.

Not because I don’t want them to. Not because I don’t love their energy. But because I know the world doesn’t always see their joy for what it is.

The same noise, silliness, or boundary-testing that might be brushed off—or even celebrated—as “boys being boys” when it comes from white kids can easily be seen as disruption, aggression, or lack of control when it comes from Black boys. That shift happens quickly and often quietly, but it’s there. And it’s dangerous.

So yes, I find myself asking my boys to tone it down. Lower your voice. Keep your body still. Don’t draw attention. And it’s not because they’re doing anything wrong. It’s because I’m calculating what others might see, and what assumptions might follow.

I’ve developed an internal rule of thumb:

Keep their register—of noise, movement, presence—below that of the median white boy in the room.

Not because I think the white boy is especially privileged. But because Black boys are simply held to a harsher standard. That white boy isn’t getting special treatment—he’s being treated as the norm. My sons aren’t. That’s the difference.

Now, my wife and others sometimes look at me sideways when I do this. They emphasize healthy expression, emotional awareness, conflict resolution. And I believe in that too. But my instinct kicks in before the conflict. Before the escalation. Before the judgment. I’m not trying to stifle my kids—I’m trying to shield them from a reality that sees their exuberance as a problem.

I don’t like parenting this way. It’s not aspirational. But it feels necessary.

And I wonder if anyone else out there has felt this too—this pressure to preempt, to pull back, to keep your child from being fully themselves in public, not because of what they are doing, but because of how the world might see them.

If so, you’re not alone.

Welcome to how every girl of every color has been parented for eternity. So do you think because your children have a penis they are special or should the white boys tone it down - I'd argue for the latter.

Here it is: child-hate. All kids should be given space to be themselves in moderation. Heck, all people should be given space to be themselves in moderation. But they’re not, so some people become self-conscious, and other people are considered jerks for not being self-conscious.

The US has a lot of social aggression.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're a black man. I'm a white woman, and I want to validate your perspective.

I don't like boisterous rambunctious boys (or kids) in public and kind of encourage my son to act like you do yours. But for different reasons. I fully acknowledge your reasons, and I agree with you that this is real and true. I'm really sorry that's the case and I don't fully know what it's like.

I also think that had you posted this on DCUM two years ago you would have gotten more support. It's been kind of taken over my MAGAs and MAGA-lites, so, don't take these responses as the whole truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parenting skills have failed you OP. I’m black and don’t feel this way at all. My husband is white though and raised my boys to fear him from before they could talk. I wasn’t raised like that but it really does work, as our kids never get stared at like yours and I almost never have to speak to my children about their behavior. If I do it’s something like do you want me to tell your father about this when we get home? That straightens them out pretty quickly, even though he at worst raises his voice. They haven’t been spanked or anything since they were about 3. It’s definitely a cultural or parenting issue and not a black issue because our kids are darker skinned.

OP here:
Your reading skills really missed the mark. As I already said, I’ve never witnessed my kids being scrutinized more than others. That’s precisely why I framed it as a fear—not a confirmed reality, but a concern I carry nonetheless. And I think that fear is legitimate, given how perception often works in this world.

My wife is actually far less concerned about this than I am. But that probably has something to do with how I grew up. As a Black male—unlike your husband—I don’t have the luxury of assuming that people will always judge my sons fairly. That’s where this comes from. But sure, keep missing the point.

I’m not missing the mark, You are concerned about the side eye, you stated people judge you for disciplining your kids in public. I’m black I don’t fear for my black children, I also don’t get any side eye because I don’t have to discipline them in public. This is a you problem, probably a result of your parenting skills.

Congrats on internalizing your racism so that your children fear your abuse more than racist strangers. Your parents must be so proud.

Nobody is abusing my child, they behave because they were taught to behave. They are loved and respected AND they behave. I realize you ain’t used to black kids behaving but mine do cause they was raised by a white man.

I don’t believe a black woman wrote this. Not for a minute.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sitting with something that’s hard to say out loud—especially in parenting spaces where freedom, joy, and childhood expression are the default assumptions. But here it is:

I don’t always let my sons—two energetic, curious, Black boys—have “too much” fun in public.

Not because I don’t want them to. Not because I don’t love their energy. But because I know the world doesn’t always see their joy for what it is.

The same noise, silliness, or boundary-testing that might be brushed off—or even celebrated—as “boys being boys” when it comes from white kids can easily be seen as disruption, aggression, or lack of control when it comes from Black boys. That shift happens quickly and often quietly, but it’s there. And it’s dangerous.

So yes, I find myself asking my boys to tone it down. Lower your voice. Keep your body still. Don’t draw attention. And it’s not because they’re doing anything wrong. It’s because I’m calculating what others might see, and what assumptions might follow.

I’ve developed an internal rule of thumb:

Keep their register—of noise, movement, presence—below that of the median white boy in the room.

Not because I think the white boy is especially privileged. But because Black boys are simply held to a harsher standard. That white boy isn’t getting special treatment—he’s being treated as the norm. My sons aren’t. That’s the difference.

Now, my wife and others sometimes look at me sideways when I do this. They emphasize healthy expression, emotional awareness, conflict resolution. And I believe in that too. But my instinct kicks in before the conflict. Before the escalation. Before the judgment. I’m not trying to stifle my kids—I’m trying to shield them from a reality that sees their exuberance as a problem.

I don’t like parenting this way. It’s not aspirational. But it feels necessary.

And I wonder if anyone else out there has felt this too—this pressure to preempt, to pull back, to keep your child from being fully themselves in public, not because of what they are doing, but because of how the world might see them.

If so, you’re not alone.

Welcome to how every girl of every color has been parented for eternity. So do you think because your children have a penis they are special or should the white boys tone it down - I'd argue for the latter.