Reply to Do you think people on a budget are less generous?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.[/quote]

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

[b]I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.[/b]

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.[/quote]

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation. [/quote]

I have treated this childhood friend for decades including trips to Europe, Asia and the Middle East and countless domestic trips. She used to at least thank me. I think she has become very unpleasant. We probably have just drifted apart. I think the expecting for me to pay for everything when she orders things I know she would never order if she had to pay for it and then not even thank me does bother me now.[/quote]

This is on you. Why are you treating her to entire vacations? This is unusual. I think you have an unhealthy dynamic with her that you are 50% responsible for. Also, I just have a ton of questions about these trips because I think this is so weird. I would personally feel very uncomfortable if a friend was buying me multiple international vacations. Even though I have limited money to travel and a free vacation with a friend sounds great, if someone were spending tens of thousands of dollars for me to travel all over the world, I'd start to wonder what the deal was.

I am guessing there are TONS of weird power dynamics in this relationship and that you are very bit as much to blame for them as she is.[/quote]

Our trips started off split when we were poor students. I went to a lucrative field while she went into a low paying field. Throughout my twenties, I would cover the hotel and she would pay for her flight and would pay for her share for some meals. Then she stopped being able to cover the cost of her airfare and I used points for her. When she got divorced, I treated her for the whole trip. Since her divorce, she changed into a different person. I took her on 2 trips (one domestic, one international) and just paid for the whole thing. On the most recent trip, she seemed kind of rude and definitely not grateful. She saved her money to spend to hang out with her other friend and did not try or attempt to pay for one thing during our entire trip. She asked if she could get extra things so she could give to her friend. It just left me feeling used.[/quote]

Have you ever considered hanging out with her in a way that doesn't involve massive travel expenses? You are messing up this relationship by raising the financial stakes so high when you have extremely different finances. Maybe she is using you. Or maybe you make her feel constantly indebted to you by insisting on doing these trips that she cannot afford instead of doing something local or even just less expensive (go rent an AirBnB in a not-obscenely-expensive city driving distance away). This is a weird way to conduct a relationship and I question how much of it is driven by YOUR desire to take these lavish trips and inviting her and if she says "oh I'd love to but I can't afford it," insisting on paying. That's still partly on her (learn to say no) but this dynamic is so messed up and since you are footing the bill for it, you need to take ownership over how you'v let it get to this point.

I have friends who are much wealthier than I am and I occasionally let them treat me, but mostly we do things where no one has to treat anyone because the point is for us to hang out together, not to do something extravagant. My best friend is a Big Law partner and takes very amazing vacations with family and wealthier friends. But we get together and just barbecue or go out for drinks and other normal things. I'm sure my friend treats more often than I do (they will sometimes arrange it so that's the case even when I try to treat or go dutch) but I never feel like the scales are way tipped in one direction because we are never doing anything so far out my reach financially that my friend would HAVE to treat in order for it to be feasible.[/quote]

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