It’s a personality trait or the way they were raised. Some of the least wealthy people I know are the most generous.

Some of the same people who are anxious or controlling about money (aka people who announce they are on a budget or make a big deal of itemizing a check down to the penny) are also too anxious or controlling to host.

Other people are just oblivious and self centered. They don’t think to host or reciprocate because they don’t notice that people do them favors or pick up the tab for them. I will stereotype the acquaintances I have who are like this in that they are usually attractive women. They seem to float through life getting special treatment, unaware that other people don’t experience the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation.

I have treated this childhood friend for decades including trips to Europe, Asia and the Middle East and countless domestic trips. She used to at least thank me. I think she has become very unpleasant. We probably have just drifted apart. I think the expecting for me to pay for everything when she orders things I know she would never order if she had to pay for it and then not even thank me does bother me now.

This is on you. Why are you treating her to entire vacations? This is unusual. I think you have an unhealthy dynamic with her that you are 50% responsible for. Also, I just have a ton of questions about these trips because I think this is so weird. I would personally feel very uncomfortable if a friend was buying me multiple international vacations. Even though I have limited money to travel and a free vacation with a friend sounds great, if someone were spending tens of thousands of dollars for me to travel all over the world, I'd start to wonder what the deal was.

I am guessing there are TONS of weird power dynamics in this relationship and that you are very bit as much to blame for them as she is.

Our trips started off split when we were poor students. I went to a lucrative field while she went into a low paying field. Throughout my twenties, I would cover the hotel and she would pay for her flight and would pay for her share for some meals. Then she stopped being able to cover the cost of her airfare and I used points for her. When she got divorced, I treated her for the whole trip. Since her divorce, she changed into a different person. I took her on 2 trips (one domestic, one international) and just paid for the whole thing. On the most recent trip, she seemed kind of rude and definitely not grateful. She saved her money to spend to hang out with her other friend and did not try or attempt to pay for one thing during our entire trip. She asked if she could get extra things so she could give to her friend. It just left me feeling used.

Oh gawd. You again?

Background: been in the social services arena for decades both as salaried employee and active volunteer board member of a crisis resource program (mostly diapers and food).

You know who is constantly dropping off donations and/or asking me about current needs with the charity? My hairstylist, a single mom, who doesn’t have many extras, but is so incredibly generous.

The least generous I find are the wealthier donors - they want to write a check (a relatively modest amount) every other year and be done. Or, they’ll volunteer once and decide our charity has too many/not enough rules (“How are these people vetted? How do you know they’re not fraudsters?”) or, (“Why aren’t you giving your clients more X/Y/Z? I’m going to hand her a $20 & offer her a job.”

Life experiences + personality, maybe? I was born this way - kind, giving, patient, charitable
and understanding.

I am just barely middle class. I live in a TINY one bedroom apartment. Like, I eat all my meals on the loveseat because it’s either there or on my bed. I can’t pull my dresser drawers out all the way because they bump into my bed. It’s tiny. So, I can’t host. I’m single and will need to work until I drop dead. I don’t have a fancy job or any skills to have a lucrative side hustle. There’s no extra money to throw around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s anxiety inducing for some. I feel awkward when someone treats me to something and feel like I now owe them something and get stressed looking for an opportunity to treat them back. When it does come up, they decline and I don’t know if I should insist or let it go. I find hosting at my house stressful too. I have hosted a few dinners at my house but it’s been awhile. I get self conscious that I’m not being a good enough host or I forget something I was supposed to serve or worry that people are getting bored. I would much rather meet people out and split the bill. It’s not that I’m not generous, I always tip, give teachers gift cards etc. its just stressful. Please don’t take it the wrong way or personal.

Yes! I hate that kind of "debt." It's almost worse than the financial kind. I love going out to socialize though. I always suggest this first.

Agree.

In Japan when I lived there it was very cultural too. Little thank you gifts would escalate into $100 designer umbrellas and then Tiffany’s jewelry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation.

I have treated this childhood friend for decades including trips to Europe, Asia and the Middle East and countless domestic trips. She used to at least thank me. I think she has become very unpleasant. We probably have just drifted apart. I think the expecting for me to pay for everything when she orders things I know she would never order if she had to pay for it and then not even thank me does bother me now.

R u the same lady who was supposedly asked by her divorced childhood friend to join on a biz trip and you flipped out?

Either way you need to grow up. If you’re supposedly paying for other peoples big trips and not getting a thank you it must because you’re rubbing everyone the wrong way.

Anonymous wrote:I have learned from my own, personal experience that the less money someone may have -> the more generous they are fundamentally.

I think it comes from the fact that poorer people know first-hand what it is like to come from or have nothing so they in turn do not scrimp w/their money on others since they know first-hand how awful it feels on the flip side.

I already said I’m over it. Some people are cheap. Some people are not generous. Some people are selfish. Some people are in debt. It is fine. I really don’t need someone to buy my kid an ice cream. The gesture would be nice. Today is a new day. I’m glad we are in a position to be able to host and be generous to others.

Anonymous wrote:It’s anxiety inducing for some. I feel awkward when someone treats me to something and feel like I now owe them something and get stressed looking for an opportunity to treat them back. When it does come up, they decline and I don’t know if I should insist or let it go. I find hosting at my house stressful too. I have hosted a few dinners at my house but it’s been awhile. I get self conscious that I’m not being a good enough host or I forget something I was supposed to serve or worry that people are getting bored. I would much rather meet people out and split the bill. It’s not that I’m not generous, I always tip, give teachers gift cards etc. its just stressful. Please don’t take it the wrong way or personal.

Yes! I hate that kind of "debt." It's almost worse than the financial kind. I love going out to socialize though. I always suggest this first.

I have learned from my own, personal experience that the less money someone may have -> the more generous they are fundamentally.

I think it comes from the fact that poorer people know first-hand what it is like to come from or have nothing so they in turn do not scrimp w/their money on others since they know first-hand how awful it feels on the flip side.

Anonymous wrote:I have some friends who are not rich and not poor. They are MC/UMC. I know they plan and budget. I have noticed that some of these friends never host, never treat and never reciprocate. They do always pay their share, often want to itemize the bill and pay separately.

I have always been generous no matter my financial situation. I want to treat my friend for her birthday. If someone treats me, I treat or at least offer to buy the next time. I’m surprised at some people who NEVER reciprocate or offer to reciprocate.

Is this a personality trait? Or financial?

How or why would you “know they budget?”

I know who’s cheap and tries to get others to always pay.

I don’t mind fair and splitting bills.

Trading off who pays can sometimes discover bad agents (cheap wads playing the system.)

And I don’t get an ego kick out of treating everyone each time. My spouse does, they’re the first to buy a round, or slap down our CC and say got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation.

I have treated this childhood friend for decades including trips to Europe, Asia and the Middle East and countless domestic trips. She used to at least thank me. I think she has become very unpleasant. We probably have just drifted apart. I think the expecting for me to pay for everything when she orders things I know she would never order if she had to pay for it and then not even thank me does bother me now.

This is on you. Why are you treating her to entire vacations? This is unusual. I think you have an unhealthy dynamic with her that you are 50% responsible for. Also, I just have a ton of questions about these trips because I think this is so weird. I would personally feel very uncomfortable if a friend was buying me multiple international vacations. Even though I have limited money to travel and a free vacation with a friend sounds great, if someone were spending tens of thousands of dollars for me to travel all over the world, I'd start to wonder what the deal was.

I am guessing there are TONS of weird power dynamics in this relationship and that you are very bit as much to blame for them as she is.

Our trips started off split when we were poor students. I went to a lucrative field while she went into a low paying field. Throughout my twenties, I would cover the hotel and she would pay for her flight and would pay for her share for some meals. Then she stopped being able to cover the cost of her airfare and I used points for her. When she got divorced, I treated her for the whole trip. Since her divorce, she changed into a different person. I took her on 2 trips (one domestic, one international) and just paid for the whole thing. On the most recent trip, she seemed kind of rude and definitely not grateful. She saved her money to spend to hang out with her other friend and did not try or attempt to pay for one thing during our entire trip. She asked if she could get extra things so she could give to her friend. It just left me feeling used.

Have you ever considered hanging out with her in a way that doesn't involve massive travel expenses? You are messing up this relationship by raising the financial stakes so high when you have extremely different finances. Maybe she is using you. Or maybe you make her feel constantly indebted to you by insisting on doing these trips that she cannot afford instead of doing something local or even just less expensive (go rent an AirBnB in a not-obscenely-expensive city driving distance away). This is a weird way to conduct a relationship and I question how much of it is driven by YOUR desire to take these lavish trips and inviting her and if she says "oh I'd love to but I can't afford it," insisting on paying. That's still partly on her (learn to say no) but this dynamic is so messed up and since you are footing the bill for it, you need to take ownership over how you'v let it get to this point.

I have friends who are much wealthier than I am and I occasionally let them treat me, but mostly we do things where no one has to treat anyone because the point is for us to hang out together, not to do something extravagant. My best friend is a Big Law partner and takes very amazing vacations with family and wealthier friends. But we get together and just barbecue or go out for drinks and other normal things. I'm sure my friend treats more often than I do (they will sometimes arrange it so that's the case even when I try to treat or go dutch) but I never feel like the scales are way tipped in one direction because we are never doing anything so far out my reach financially that my friend would HAVE to treat in order for it to be feasible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation.

I have treated this childhood friend for decades including trips to Europe, Asia and the Middle East and countless domestic trips. She used to at least thank me. I think she has become very unpleasant. We probably have just drifted apart. I think the expecting for me to pay for everything when she orders things I know she would never order if she had to pay for it and then not even thank me does bother me now.

This is on you. Why are you treating her to entire vacations? This is unusual. I think you have an unhealthy dynamic with her that you are 50% responsible for. Also, I just have a ton of questions about these trips because I think this is so weird. I would personally feel very uncomfortable if a friend was buying me multiple international vacations. Even though I have limited money to travel and a free vacation with a friend sounds great, if someone were spending tens of thousands of dollars for me to travel all over the world, I'd start to wonder what the deal was.

I am guessing there are TONS of weird power dynamics in this relationship and that you are very bit as much to blame for them as she is.

Our trips started off split when we were poor students. I went to a lucrative field while she went into a low paying field. Throughout my twenties, I would cover the hotel and she would pay for her flight and would pay for her share for some meals. Then she stopped being able to cover the cost of her airfare and I used points for her. When she got divorced, I treated her for the whole trip. Since her divorce, she changed into a different person. I took her on 2 trips (one domestic, one international) and just paid for the whole thing. On the most recent trip, she seemed kind of rude and definitely not grateful. She saved her money to spend to hang out with her other friend and did not try or attempt to pay for one thing during our entire trip. She asked if she could get extra things so she could give to her friend. It just left me feeling used.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation.

I have treated this childhood friend for decades including trips to Europe, Asia and the Middle East and countless domestic trips. She used to at least thank me. I think she has become very unpleasant. We probably have just drifted apart. I think the expecting for me to pay for everything when she orders things I know she would never order if she had to pay for it and then not even thank me does bother me now.

This is on you. Why are you treating her to entire vacations? This is unusual. I think you have an unhealthy dynamic with her that you are 50% responsible for. Also, I just have a ton of questions about these trips because I think this is so weird. I would personally feel very uncomfortable if a friend was buying me multiple international vacations. Even though I have limited money to travel and a free vacation with a friend sounds great, if someone were spending tens of thousands of dollars for me to travel all over the world, I'd start to wonder what the deal was.

I am guessing there are TONS of weird power dynamics in this relationship and that you are very bit as much to blame for them as she is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation.

I have treated this childhood friend for decades including trips to Europe, Asia and the Middle East and countless domestic trips. She used to at least thank me. I think she has become very unpleasant. We probably have just drifted apart. I think the expecting for me to pay for everything when she orders things I know she would never order if she had to pay for it and then not even thank me does bother me now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

This sounds petty.

You aren’t genuinely generous, OP, and that’s okay. I have some hang ups around this too, but my DH is genuinely generous so I know what that looks like. You should maybe figure out why you put yourself in this situation and start behaving differently. You can only change yourself so stop giving OR drop the expectation of reciprocation.