Reply to He ordered WHAT?!? A lonely yawp to my pocket friends about my pathetic marriage

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Wow, I can't believe this has been bumped back up again!  I really appreciate the kindness of so many people who have responded with such care and  thought.  DCUM has carried me through so many low points in this marriage...it can be ridiculous, but I still find this anonymous community of people to be, overall, astonishingly kind and generous toward posters like me.

So, an update...one thing I didn't mention in my post is that DH and I were about to experience a separation of sorts around the time I posted.  I can't reveal too much detail without being too identifiable, but for career reasons we will be geographically apart for about a year.  Our child is with me most of the time and we have managed 2 visits since summer.  It's not a legal separation and all but for me is a very welcome hiatus from cohabitation.

Around the time I posted, I did end up getting a full STI panel done through a service that works with a local lab chain...it was really easy to arrange online for like $99 and I just had to stop by the lab to give samples.  All clear.

Once I got the results back, we were just a day or two from when we would be parted, and I just mustered up my courage when we had a couple of hours alone to tell him what I had found in his Amazon history.  The discussion actually went really well.  He was really embarrassed, and, while I don't 100% trust anything, I came away with a strong feeling that he was being truthful in saying the clothes were just for him, for fantasy exploration at times when I and our child are away traveling to see family or whatever.  There were several purchases over time because he'd get paranoid that I'd stumble upon where he kept them hidden, so he'd throw them away...and then a few months later if I was away for a week again, he'd buy something else.  Purchases matched up with times I traveled.

He was horrified and very apologetic when he heard I had gone ahead and gotten STI testing done and is adamant that the exploration didn't involve another person or people.  He wished I had talked with him first but I said I would have gotten tested either way, since the whole situation shook my trust so much.  Strangely, the discussion did make me feel like our friendship was a little stronger afterward.  What he fessed up to in terms of desires rang true and his mannerisms just felt...right to me, if that makes sense.

Longer term, sadly, things don't look great for us, but as other posters have said, he IS a good partner in some ways.  If it was all bad, it would be much easier to leave.  I think this time apart has been so enjoyable to me because I would be much happier living apart, but this temporary career assignment is very different than divorce, which comes with so many financial hits of supporting two households, plus the trauma to our child.  But staying together also has a cost to our child, as one prefer to model a much healthier relationship.

So...long term, nothing is resolved.  Short term, though, I am not as concerned with those purchases.  There is certainly a lot below the surface that I'm not trying to unearth now.  Until I saw this thread resurrected, I hadn't even thought about this for many weeks.

Thanks again for all the thoughtful perspectives and advice!

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