Anonymous wrote:This thread is over a year old. I hope OP has received the help she needed. I hope the jerk who bumped it goes to hell.

nope, that jerk got us an update!

OP, I am so so glad to hear that you are in the clear for STIs, and that the convo went well with your DH. Know that you deserve all of the self compassion in the world- and that whatever decision you make, you will do it having been a thoughtful human being who is looking deeply at all sides of this and not judging others harshly. You are a good person, and your post has affected me deeply. I'm in a horrendous marriage, but for many reasons, have chosen to stay. Life is complex, and just know that we in DCUM land are rooting for you! xo

OP here. Wow, I can't believe this has been bumped back up again! I really appreciate the kindness of so many people who have responded with such care and thought. DCUM has carried me through so many low points in this marriage...it can be ridiculous, but I still find this anonymous community of people to be, overall, astonishingly kind and generous toward posters like me.

So, an update...one thing I didn't mention in my post is that DH and I were about to experience a separation of sorts around the time I posted. I can't reveal too much detail without being too identifiable, but for career reasons we will be geographically apart for about a year. Our child is with me most of the time and we have managed 2 visits since summer. It's not a legal separation and all but for me is a very welcome hiatus from cohabitation.

Around the time I posted, I did end up getting a full STI panel done through a service that works with a local lab chain...it was really easy to arrange online for like $99 and I just had to stop by the lab to give samples. All clear.

Once I got the results back, we were just a day or two from when we would be parted, and I just mustered up my courage when we had a couple of hours alone to tell him what I had found in his Amazon history. The discussion actually went really well. He was really embarrassed, and, while I don't 100% trust anything, I came away with a strong feeling that he was being truthful in saying the clothes were just for him, for fantasy exploration at times when I and our child are away traveling to see family or whatever. There were several purchases over time because he'd get paranoid that I'd stumble upon where he kept them hidden, so he'd throw them away...and then a few months later if I was away for a week again, he'd buy something else. Purchases matched up with times I traveled.

He was horrified and very apologetic when he heard I had gone ahead and gotten STI testing done and is adamant that the exploration didn't involve another person or people. He wished I had talked with him first but I said I would have gotten tested either way, since the whole situation shook my trust so much. Strangely, the discussion did make me feel like our friendship was a little stronger afterward. What he fessed up to in terms of desires rang true and his mannerisms just felt...right to me, if that makes sense.

Longer term, sadly, things don't look great for us, but as other posters have said, he IS a good partner in some ways. If it was all bad, it would be much easier to leave. I think this time apart has been so enjoyable to me because I would be much happier living apart, but this temporary career assignment is very different than divorce, which comes with so many financial hits of supporting two households, plus the trauma to our child. But staying together also has a cost to our child, as one prefer to model a much healthier relationship.

So...long term, nothing is resolved. Short term, though, I am not as concerned with those purchases. There is certainly a lot below the surface that I'm not trying to unearth now. Until I saw this thread resurrected, I hadn't even thought about this for many weeks.

Thanks again for all the thoughtful perspectives and advice!

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s due to porn or the unrealistic expectations that men are up against, but it feels to me like men are expected to have normal to high libido, be ready anytime, get and maintain strong erections or else be confronted with statements like “what’s wrong” etc…And then women are shocked when we are suffering in silence and depressed and keep to ourselves.

Oh, dear God…

Anonymous wrote:This thread is over a year old. I hope OP has received the help she needed. I hope the jerk who bumped it goes to hell.

I agree because now I’m invested and need to know what he was doing with those toys and panties

Maybe it’s due to porn or the unrealistic expectations that men are up against, but it feels to me like men are expected to have normal to high libido, be ready anytime, get and maintain strong erections or else be confronted with statements like “what’s wrong” etc…And then women are shocked when we are suffering in silence and depressed and keep to ourselves.

This thread is over a year old. I hope OP has received the help she needed. I hope the jerk who bumped it goes to hell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you still have sex together? If not, which of one you rejected sex first?

OP here. Fair question. We technically have had sex a handful of yikes in the past couple of years, but I know my definition that would qualify as a “sexless” marriage.

He’s always had a lower sex drive than me but it drastically, drastically went down after the wedding. Like nearly immediately after. I initiated 9 times out of 10 and was rejected maybe 7 or 8 of those 9 times for the first year, then we had a kid and it just stayed that low and has been that way for years. Interestingly the last few years he has initiated much more (as in, a few times a year) but he’s now very crude about it, nothing like actually being physically affection in general and then building up to it. He’s also picked a lot of fights for years and been very argumentative, veering from picking fights to the silent treatment when I engage and actually make a point, so when he started to initiate a couple of years back, I just wasn’t feeling it at all. Plus, menopause. I accept out of obligation sometimes and to not hurt his feelings, or hoping it will improve his mood. But a decade of rejection leaves me with little enthusiasm.

Sounds like he’s been watching porn while he’s been home

You can’t love your kid that much if you are raising him/her in such a dysfunctional household (with a non-communicative father and a passive /depressed mother).

Your husband might be sending the underwear to women with a Fans Only account. It does not matter. You gave SO many bigger problems.

Please get help, for the sake of your child.