Reply to If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?

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Reply to "If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op again.  These comments are helpful. To those who say an activity partner is enough, it’s not for me.  My spouse would not take care of me when I’m ill, be patient with me if I were  disabled, etc.  He barely tolerates me, but loves our kid.  I “gray rock” the situation as someone else said and ask nothing of him emotionally.  He hasn’t been helpful or supportive when friends and family have been sick, he’s not interested in hearing about my day, etc.  We enjoy hiking and sight seeing with our kid and we both find her entertaining, so we generally enjoy weekends….but [b]the second she’s not there, it’s clear I’m the last person he wants to see.[/b] We both work from home and he eats lunch in his office to avoid me.  Again, when our kid is around, we are both pretty happy. She’s seen us fight, but only a few times/year.  For the most part, she experiences us as fun and engaged. [b]But when she’s not there, my partner is dismissive and doesn’t talk to me.[/b]  He’s admitted that he doesn’t love me.  Our marriage wasn’t arranged, but we were both in our mid/late 30s, got along well-ish and ignored lots of problems because we felt pressure to marry and have a kid. Not ideal, but it’s what I did during an insecure period of my life.[/quote]

OP, the bolded is not sustainable for the next, what, 11 years?  It's also not low conflict, as another PP said.  Moreover, you're both putting an ENORMOUS amount of pressure on your kid to sustain your marriage.  Even if that hasn't been said out loud, that's the dynamic.  Best case, she'll want to spend more time with peers as she gets older; worst case, you both rely on her too much, to the point where her emotional development is impaired.  (BTDT)

Please consider, if nothing else, individual therapy for you.  Divorce is going to be tough regardless of when you do it.  One benefit of doing it sooner rather than later is that you'll be honest about the situation.  You two might be able to sustain amicability if you divorce in 11+ years; you might not.  And then what?  
[/quote]

+1 this is very different from how you initially explained the situation which is why so many said the "companionable/not "in love"" stage is normal. But avoiding you, barely tolerating you, etc sounds much more toxic. I would pursue counseling individually to start with [/quote]

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