Reply to If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?

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Reply to "If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  These are helpful perspectives. In my case, I don't think our marriage will improve when the kid is older because the kid is the thing that brings us joy as a couple. We do really like spending time together as a family, but don't spend much time together outside of the kid. Once she's out of the house, I cannot imagine that we will want to stay together.  We want to live in totally different climates, we want to do totally different things in retirement, etc.  We don't have a lot of conflict right now, but once our kid has launched, there really won't be anything binding us to one another.  For example, he wants to move to a colder environment and I can't imagine moving because of him and he can't imagine staying here because of me. We have really different desires for the next phase of our lives, and compromising for one another feels weird when there's no real connection between us.

I don't think we would ever put our kid in the middle, make her feel badly, talk trash about one another, fight about supporting her, etc. When it comes to how we treat our kid, we are really aligned.  I think we'd be fine, for example, visiting her at college together and we'd work to make sure that she has equal time with each of us over summers, vacations, etc. (e.g. even if my partner moves, I think he'd come to the DMV for her school vacations so that she could see both of us and her friends, and I would support her going to his location when that makes sense too).[/quote]

How about a 2nd home instead of a divorce? I fully expected to divorce once youngest left for college. As soon as youngest DC left, I started traveling with friends/my sister/our adult kids. DH hates travel now and is happy to stay home with the dog. I work remotely so spent couple weeks here/there visiting relatives. DH and I have very little in common now except for the kids. But we do get along better with this anrrangement and I’m much happier. Adult DCs live in the area and youngest comes home for college breaks - but we don’t see them very often now that they are grown. I’d HATE to miss out on 1/2 of that time w/them and also would hate to have them have to deal with negotiating time spent w/us if we divorced. So now I’m thinking of getting a 2nd home somewhere warm/near my family where I can spend longer periods of time. MUCH cheaper than a divorce! That way DH and I can appreciate the time we spend together more and not burden our kids with the holiday/visiting time. AND we can take care of each other if/when one of us gets ill. Had an uncle who went thru gray divorce and then got cancer 7 years later. My cousin was pregant w/2nd kid working F/T and it was just SO awful for her having to bear that burden knowing she will have to do that again when her Mom gets to that point. OP your spouse wants to retire in cold weather and you like warm - get a place in both and spend as little or as much time as you want in each.[/quote]

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