Reply to Common things that keep people unmarried

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

The reality is that the people who remain single are not socially attuned, sometimes in ways that may not always be visible to people not dating them. I bet some of them could be found autistic (high-functioning kind). I'm a scientist and met my husband in the lab. A lot of men there were socially-challenged. He has ASD. My son has ASD. It takes a certain type of person to look past that. If my husband were to use OLD and go on dates, he wouldn't be able to find anyone. He's not social at all, but at the time I met him, he had good looks and fitness working for him, we shared scientific interests, and we met in person, which is very important to build a rapport with someone who isn't social.

When you start off with certain social challenges, sometimes a lifetime is not enough to meet your significant other. The statistics work against you, and OLD is a killer.

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So sounds like someone with ASD needs to meet their spouse whilst doing their academic hyper interest, hurry up propose, get married, and lock in a kid before any basic life incapabilities get discovered. [/quote]

PP with the ASD husband and son, back for answer a poster's question, and comment on the above post.

Well, the truth is, good looks go a long way towards attracting a mate, and money goes a long way towards keeping a mate.

My husband was very cute and poor when I met him, and is now less cute but wealthy. He has interesting opinions about many things, and has a trouble-shooting mentality. He is not empathetic, he cannot read body language or hints well, things have to be spelled out. He's awkward in social settings. When he helps, he does help a lot and without stinting. It's difficult to describe exactly all his capacity for hurting yet also supporting us. He just doesn't see the world on the same plane as most of us or operate within the usual social rules. I think I have a lot of patience, I don't mind explaining social mores to him, and translating constantly: maybe because I come from an international family, and grew up constantly translating in my mind, and juggling different cultures, languages, social expectations, religions, etc. Autism is just another "culture/language/alien planet" one needs to adapt to.

"Basic life incapabilities" usually are revealed after having children, because parenting requires a lot of social acumen: you're doing the social communication work for two, because little kids aren't self-aware and can't make sense of their feelings. If the parent has ASD, you start to see issues - they can't read their own child easily, and start to enact rigid and sometimes inappropriate rules until the kids start advocating for themselves properly. When a kid has ASD, that's when all hell breaks loose, because now you have two people who butt heads with each other because neither can read the other well. Having both a husband with ASD and a son with ASD made me consider divorce, or simply running away. Now my son is in college, and I think we've survived the worst.

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