Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is now 50. I've watched her desperately try to find a husband, or even a boyfriend, since she was 35. I don't think she's ever even had a second date.

With her, it is definitely expectations that are way off. She's a 4-5, looking for a 8-9. She's 50 darned years old and keeps talking about "hot guys." She also scares everyone off; she tells people right away that she is looking to get married. They run, lol.

Does she think she's a prize looking for a 8-9?

I think she always thought she was a bit of a prize because she is a professional with a good job (she goes on about our job having "prestige" which is annoying and not something everyone would think, lol). As far as everything else, she has to know she's average at best. She's just got to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

+1. Although to me kindness doesn’t mean things like spending time and attention on the downtrodden or cats, it more means valuing people for themselves rather than players in their personal narrative. Maybe that’s not a conventional definition of kindness.

Its still a good definition as kindness comes in different forms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

Man here, and completely agree. I will add that being into having a family and having a nice home life were super important to me.

Exactly: kind, wants to have kids, wants to keep the home and life nice

Perfecto.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly high expectations is has a job, is not a slob, is kind and doesn’t cheat.

Not sure this list is complete. I tick those boxes but I’m short and not attractive and not outgoing and yet women aren’t drawn to me.

It's not that you are short it's that you are trying to date hot chicks. I have a ton of friends that would date a nice guy with a job who does not cheat and doesn't expect them to clean up after them no matter their height.

I suspect you look right through those women because they are not beautiful and skinny, and I'm not talking about obese, i'm talking normal.

PP. No, no hot chicks. I know what’s out of my league. I do well enough with pretty, overweight women but it’s not like I attract them, they’re just willing to accept my attention. I think they know they’re settling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

+1. Although to me kindness doesn’t mean things like spending time and attention on the downtrodden or cats, it more means valuing people for themselves rather than players in their personal narrative. Maybe that’s not a conventional definition of kindness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The reality is that the people who remain single are not socially attuned, sometimes in ways that may not always be visible to people not dating them. I bet some of them could be found autistic (high-functioning kind). I'm a scientist and met my husband in the lab. A lot of men there were socially-challenged. He has ASD. My son has ASD. It takes a certain type of person to look past that. If my husband were to use OLD and go on dates, he wouldn't be able to find anyone. He's not social at all, but at the time I met him, he had good looks and fitness working for him, we shared scientific interests, and we met in person, which is very important to build a rapport with someone who isn't social.

When you start off with certain social challenges, sometimes a lifetime is not enough to meet your significant other. The statistics work against you, and OLD is a killer.

So sounds like someone with ASD needs to meet their spouse whilst doing their academic hyper interest, hurry up propose, get married, and lock in a kid before any basic life incapabilities get discovered.

PP with the ASD husband and son, back for answer a poster's question, and comment on the above post.

Well, the truth is, good looks go a long way towards attracting a mate, and money goes a long way towards keeping a mate.

My husband was very cute and poor when I met him, and is now less cute but wealthy. He has interesting opinions about many things, and has a trouble-shooting mentality. He is not empathetic, he cannot read body language or hints well, things have to be spelled out. He's awkward in social settings. When he helps, he does help a lot and without stinting. It's difficult to describe exactly all his capacity for hurting yet also supporting us. He just doesn't see the world on the same plane as most of us or operate within the usual social rules. I think I have a lot of patience, I don't mind explaining social mores to him, and translating constantly: maybe because I come from an international family, and grew up constantly translating in my mind, and juggling different cultures, languages, social expectations, religions, etc. Autism is just another "culture/language/alien planet" one needs to adapt to.

"Basic life incapabilities" usually are revealed after having children, because parenting requires a lot of social acumen: you're doing the social communication work for two, because little kids aren't self-aware and can't make sense of their feelings. If the parent has ASD, you start to see issues - they can't read their own child easily, and start to enact rigid and sometimes inappropriate rules until the kids start advocating for themselves properly. When a kid has ASD, that's when all hell breaks loose, because now you have two people who butt heads with each other because neither can read the other well. Having both a husband with ASD and a son with ASD made me consider divorce, or simply running away. Now my son is in college, and I think we've survived the worst.

Anonymous wrote:When I look at my never-married 35+ friends, the common denominator is that they all wasted too much of their prime dating years (early to late 20s) in dead-end relationships. These women are kind, attractive, employed, and it's not that they have crazy high standards, it's that the vast majority of same-age men are either already off the market or wanting to date younger.

+1

Exact same here. I know several who simply wasted too much time on the wrong guy/guys and eventually it was just too late.

I also know 2 “failure to launch” women- who have always been so focused on their parents/family of origin that it left no time for dating and/or scared guys away from getting serious. Very “my big fat Greek wedding” type scenarios

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

Man here, and completely agree. I will add that being into having a family and having a nice home life were super important to me.

Exactly: kind, wants to have kids, wants to keep the home and life nice

Perfecto.

Anonymous wrote:

The reality is that the people who remain single are not socially attuned, sometimes in ways that may not always be visible to people not dating them. I bet some of them could be found autistic (high-functioning kind). I'm a scientist and met my husband in the lab. A lot of men there were socially-challenged. He has ASD. My son has ASD. It takes a certain type of person to look past that. If my husband were to use OLD and go on dates, he wouldn't be able to find anyone. He's not social at all, but at the time I met him, he had good looks and fitness working for him, we shared scientific interests, and we met in person, which is very important to build a rapport with someone who isn't social.

When you start off with certain social challenges, sometimes a lifetime is not enough to meet your significant other. The statistics work against you, and OLD is a killer.

So sounds like someone with ASD needs to meet their spouse whilst doing their academic hyper interest, hurry up propose, get married, and lock in a kid before any basic life incapabilities get discovered.

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Same here, the happy go lucky dumb doormat strategy has served me and my marriage well too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I look at my never-married 35+ friends, the common denominator is that they all wasted too much of their prime dating years (early to late 20s) in dead-end relationships. These women are kind, attractive, employed, and it's not that they have crazy high standards, it's that the vast majority of same-age men are either already off the market or wanting to date younger.

Yeah that’s a rough time for women until you start getting a lot older. Options are basically date older - a guy age 43+ if you’re 35 most likely and then adjust from there. Date blue collar instead of white collar. Or date YOUNGER especially if the woman is financially in decent condition. I have a friend who was married young, divorced young with a kid. She has a really decent job as a middle school principal in a medium COL area and is quite pretty (I’m sure that fact is important). She recently remarried to a guy about 10 years younger who is a fitness trainer and amateur athlete. Ages 37/27ish. He loves being a stepdad, kid’s bio dad is barely in the picture, and they haven’t closed the door on having a kid together either.

+1. It’s definitely a numbers game. Only so many hot, nice, sex-positive women who don’t state their opinions to go around. Most men will have to give on something - average looking, moody, dead bedroom, feminist.

Same for women. Only so many wealthy, generous, good looking, non maga men. Most women will have to give on [b]income, [b]asshatery, short/bald, or conservative views.

It’s only the top 5% of each that get the whole package. The vast majority of men don’t marry gorgeous women. And the vast majority of women don’t marry the seven figure income men.

Many educated women insist on marry a man with a degree. With 60% of college students female, women will be left out if they don’t marry men with a degree. With the obesity epidemic in America, the majority of women are overweight. Men will have to marry larger women or they will be left out. The people who don’t realize this remain single.

Honestly, women are not interested in the "put out and shut up" model of marriage. They are also not interested in "asshatery".

I would like to be in a healthy marriage of equal partners, but, TBH, I don't really ever meet men who treat me like an equal nor do I see any marriages in my peer group that I would consider marriage of equals. Even my well-educated, successful female peers with good jobs have been forced to downshift more than their partners for unpaid caregiving.

Women work. They can have kids on their own. They have options that don't involve being in an abusive or unequal partnership, and their desire to "not compromise" and stay out of that kind of relationship is what has "kept them unmarried."

Well, that and being fat.

Wondering about the dude who doesn't want women to have opinions. What exactly are we supposed to do with our opinions, then? It's pretty hard to be a successful professional and not have opinions on something -- teachers tend to have a lot of opinions about education, for example. I imagine that lawyers probably have opinions on the constitution, doctors have opinions on healthcare, etc. I kinda think if you want to be with a successful woman then she's probably going to have opinions and to express them. It's kind of what adults do.

Wondering also how you raise children without having any opinions about child-rearing. Or is the idea that the only opinions in the relationship should be his? My parents have a relationship like that -- he's an arrogant narcissist who always has to be right. it's actually really embarrassing when he lectures people on topics he knows nothing about, especially if they happen to be experts on the topic. Is that what this dude is looking for? He sounds kinda awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I look at my never-married 35+ friends, the common denominator is that they all wasted too much of their prime dating years (early to late 20s) in dead-end relationships. These women are kind, attractive, employed, and it's not that they have crazy high standards, it's that the vast majority of same-age men are either already off the market or wanting to date younger.

Yeah that’s a rough time for women until you start getting a lot older. Options are basically date older - a guy age 43+ if you’re 35 most likely and then adjust from there. Date blue collar instead of white collar. Or date YOUNGER especially if the woman is financially in decent condition. I have a friend who was married young, divorced young with a kid. She has a really decent job as a middle school principal in a medium COL area and is quite pretty (I’m sure that fact is important). She recently remarried to a guy about 10 years younger who is a fitness trainer and amateur athlete. Ages 37/27ish. He loves being a stepdad, kid’s bio dad is barely in the picture, and they haven’t closed the door on having a kid together either.

+1. It’s definitely a numbers game. Only so many hot, nice, sex-positive women who don’t state their opinions to go around. Most men will have to give on something - average looking, moody, dead bedroom, feminist.

Same for women. Only so many wealthy, generous, good looking, non maga men. Most women will have to give on [b]income, [b]asshatery, short/bald, or conservative views.

It’s only the top 5% of each that get the whole package. The vast majority of men don’t marry gorgeous women. And the vast majority of women don’t marry the seven figure income men.

Many educated women insist on marry a man with a degree. With 60% of college students female, women will be left out if they don’t marry men with a degree. With the obesity epidemic in America, the majority of women are overweight. Men will have to marry larger women or they will be left out. The people who don’t realize this remain single.

Honestly, women are not interested in the "put out and shut up" model of marriage. They are also not interested in "asshatery".

I would like to be in a healthy marriage of equal partners, but, TBH, I don't really ever meet men who treat me like an equal nor do I see any marriages in my peer group that I would consider marriage of equals. Even my well-educated, successful female peers with good jobs have been forced to downshift more than their partners for unpaid caregiving.

Women work. They can have kids on their own. They have options that don't involve being in an abusive or unequal partnership, and their desire to "not compromise" and stay out of that kind of relationship is what has "kept them unmarried."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

Man here, and completely agree. I will add that being into having a family and having a nice home life were super important to me.

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?