Reply to Why is it taboo for adult children to leech off their parents, but not for parents to leech off their adult children?

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Reply to "Why is it taboo for adult children to leech off their parents, but not for parents to leech off their adult children?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you not feel any responsibility towards your parents and have no wish to return the live, kindness, care, education, resources they provided to even though they could've spent energy and money on better lifestyle and retirement.

There is no real compulsion for parents to care and provide for their children. There are many who only offer abortions, neglect, abuse, selfishness, broken families, alcoholism etc etc.[/quote]

There's this weird middle ground though where parents may have provided a home and food and maybe even have helped with college, but were also abusive, neglectful, and selfish. I think that's where you run into problems. Because from the adult child's perspective, their parents may have given them only the bare minimum of what was legally required but may also have failed to love them, provide safety or affection, been supportive or kind.

In that case, what does the adult child "owe" their parents, really? Like if they actually gave back in kind, they'd provide for their aging parents financially while also abusing them or being emotionally neglectful. Is that best? Is it just?

I have parents like this, and what I choose is to be emotionally supportive and kind (I know that the reason my parents were the parents they were is that they did not receive kindness or love in their own childhoods -- I'm not going to punish them further) but I would not take them into my home or support them financially. I might help them figure out how to maximize their social security and other sources of support, but I would do so on my terms and if it spilled over into subjecting myself to abuse and manipulation, I'd bow out.

Meanwhile, if my adult child needed something and I had it to give, I'd give it -- a place to stay, a shoulder to cry on, a cash infusion. My relationship with my kid is uncomplicated. We love each other unreservedly and I'll always show up for her. We have had good boundaries and communication from the jump, so I don't worry about being taken advantage of or her becoming too dependent on me. I know if she did need money or a place to stay, I could also have frank conversations with her about how long that might last and what she needed to do to become more independent. I also know she's be grateful and kind and helpful.

It's just a totally different relationship. I have less willingness to help people who have a history of abusing me, violating my boundaries, being manipulative, refusing basic emotional support, etc. None of that applies to my kid.[/quote]

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