Reply to Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me.  He has committed to it.  The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track.  He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be.  It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine.  Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything?  I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc.  I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids.  But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave.  And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him.  I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway.  I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change.  I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with.  I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man.  It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting.  Have you been here?  Do I need to give it more time?  I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially).  I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.[/quote]

I emotionally detached a long time ago. I don't think my husband realized or noticed, but he'll express frustration at times that "I don't even like him." It's true. It's just not worth even arguing about anymore. We are going to have a very serious disagreement about long-term retirement plans and I plan to be estranged but still married. I literally have zero interest in another relationship and would prefer to strengthen my female friendships. I have been unhappy for a really long time and had some of my own issues over the years - I'm not perfect by any means.

Not gonna lie that it's hard to accept your "fate," so to speak, but finally doing it allowed me to let go of so much emotional investment in a relationship dumpster fire.[/quote]

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